Driving and babies make me cry. Today I got a little of both.
I went to Goodyear to visit my dad. It is so hard not to scream and throw things every time I walk into that house. I just want to go plop on the bed next to my mom and tell her every meaningless thing that is happening in my life and then listen to her prattle on about the latest thing the babies she nannies for did. Instead I am greeted with her pictures in the living room and flowers that are there to remind me that she's gone. Her urn was there but my dad has taken it into their room now. My dad. Seeing him breaks my heart all over again. She was his life for 35 years. He is just so lost now and I can't stand it. Today I was in the living room and I heard clear as day the exact sound her slippers made when she walked into the kitchen from her room. I know she's gone but that didn't stop my heart from doing a little joyous back-flip and it certainly didn't stop me from looking up really fast. Even as my heart broke all over again, I got up and walked over there, just to make sure.
There was nothing there.
Any time I go visit and drive back home I cry the whole way. The stark contrast between what my visits home used to be and what they are now chip away at my soul and I cry. Today I stopped at Target before driving off, and I had to pass by the baby section. The only thing I can think of when I see all the adorable baby clothes, car seats, and nurseries is: who is going to care about my babies? I mean, aside from Anthony, I can't imagine anyone is going to care the first time my kid smiles or rolls over or sits up. Who the fuck is going to care when they are just sleeping really cute for the 200th time that week and I HAVE to take a picture? No one is going to want to see that many pictures. Who am I going to call freaking out when I don't know how to do something baby-related? Who is going to call me ten times a day just for me to gush?!? No one. No one is going to do that. I know how crazy my mom was with my nieces and nephews and how often she called my sister and how happy she would be to hear any little thing about the babies. I feel like other moms aren't like that, not to the extent my mom was anyways. My moms' ideal vacation was one surrounded by grandkids, and all of the vacations she ever took were to Mexico to see them. My mom was a nanny since I can remember. She has raised so many children from little babies until they start school. She was an infinite source of baby knowledge and I was so thankful for her. She has been curious as to what my kids will look like and act like since I was about ten. She really wanted to meet them. At the end, that was all she wanted. She would pray to God that she could be here at least for my first. She wanted to see me pregnant and to see how in love Anthony would fall with a little tiny blend of us. We aren't having kids for a while, but it already breaks my heart whenever I see little baby clothes at the store or see a pregnant girl out shopping with her mom.
This is all so fucked.