Tuesday, August 21, 2012

One More Moment


08.20.2012

I know everyone always says they wish had just one more moment with their loved ones who died. One more moment... There are so many questions I have for my mother. I have so many things to tell her. Why the hell didn't I ask all these things before she died? We knew it was coming. But not really. I was on my honeymoon and everything was peachy and she might have found a cure, I received great news when I did call my family from Cancun...and I came back to my sister telling me she was dying and only waiting for me to come back and to hurry home. WHAT?
It was true. In that week I was gone she deteriorated rapidly, they stopped her experimental treatment, and she started receiving hospice care at home. She was in a lot of pain and a lot of painkillers. She was awake for only an hour or two a day. At that point...it was too late. She couldn't speak much any more. She couldn't bathe herself and walking to the shower from her bed almost made her pass out. What the hell happened? She wasn't nearly at that point when I left...I thought we had at least another year...
I found a song today. It reflects how I feel perfectly, only I received the call from my sister and not my father. She was crying and I couldn't tell if she said mom was dead or mom was dying but I rushed off to Goodyear. It was about 9am. Mom  died at 11pm that night. I took a nap with her that day when she was finally able to get some rest from the horrifying agony. I held her hand and rested with her, taking in her smell and how her skin felt, taking care to memorize every last freckle on her hands and arms... and I knew that was the last time. I cherished every second laying in that bed with her. I fell asleep for only a few minutes but it felt like when I was little.She, the person who was dying a horrifying death, she  was still managing to comfort me. That's how great of a mother she was. She was asleep, but holding my hand back. That was one of the only times I was alone in her room with her all day and I am so grateful...but I wish I got another moment to tell her everything...


"One Moment More"
Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving "

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