Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dreams and Demons

Of Dreams and Demons

Rachel walked through the crisp December air, self-conscious in her borrowed heels.
The man at the door watched her as she approached. He smiled at her, but Rachel was somewhat shocked to see some form of pity in his eyes as she said,
"I'm here for an interview...uh- as a server. Do  I-"
"Just go inside."
Her feet were swimming in her shoes. She steadied herself on the back bar as she took it all in. The center stage, the bright lights, the fishnets, the perfume, the body paint. The woman on the stage was covered in tattoos. She was moving gracefully between the poles, and for a second Rachel forgot she was at a strip club. Then the woman took off her bra after falling into the splits on the stage, and the suspension of disbelief vanished.
Robin approached, looking stunning in a corset and fishnets, waving an application excitedly at Rachel.
"Just fill this out, and he'll be in to talk to you soon! This is so exciting!"
Rachel felt out of place as she nervously scrawled her resume on a standard employment form, under a set of  black lights and leering eyes. The manager was interviewing another girl before her, so Rachel tried to relax and watch the dancers. A man caught her eye as he walked over to her table. Rachel looked around for her friend, only to realize that Robin was taking drink orders from an older couple in the front. The man sat down, gently grabbed Rachel's arm, and asked, "so what time are you dancing, gorgeous?"
Rachel felt her face flash as she mumbled, "Oh..I'm not..I don't... I'm here for an interview."
"Well, when he hires you and you get on that stage, I've got a hundred dollar bills to spend on you."
"Um...I'm not...I'm interviewing to be a server. I don't want to dance."
"Oh, you'll dance. Let me buy you a drink."
At that point Robin had returned to Rachel's aid.
"What's going on?"
"I want to buy her a drink."
Rachel looked at Robin with a sigh of relief. She was sure Robin would make up an excuse for her. Maybe potential employees weren't supposed to drink with customers or something. No such luck.
Robin looked at Rachel and said, "okay, so I'll get you a vodka Redbull." She then turned back to the gentleman "What can I get for you?"
"Oh, I only drink on Sundays. You can just get me a Coke, sweetheart."
Robin smiled and sped off toward the bar.
He turned his dark brown eyes back to Rachel.
"So what brings a girl like you to a place like this?"
"I didn't graduate from college."
The man laughed as if Rachel had just told a funny joke. She used the opportunity to down half of her drink. Maybe this was part of the interview. Maybe how well she treated this regular would have some kind of bearing on her employment opportunities. Maybe she needed to get drunk.
"So are you going to dance for me?"
"I think maybe I need to be hired before I do anything like that. I'm still waiting to talk to the boss."
The man laughed again.
"He's not your boss, I am. I'm the one with a hundred bucks to blow on you right now."
Rachel laughed nervously before taking another drink. Where was Robin?
The banter continued. The minutes were taken up by the man showering her with insincere compliments, and Rachel laughing and drinking. Finally, she made a mistake.
"I'm not really looking to be with anyone right now."
That was it. She had shattered the illusion for this man. His laughter suddenly became cold, and his words had a cutting edge to them. Rachel finished her drink as a dancer was setting up on the stage next to them.
The man, intending to shake her confidence, said,
"I know why you want to keep your clothes on honey, too much competition." He then turned his attention, and his dollar bills, to the tattooed Asian dancer beside them. Rachel chose that moment to retreat to the bar, where several of the dancers were chatting.
"Are you going to dance with us?" asked a petite blond girl with big, blue eyes. She had lost her top earlier in the night, and the gold body paint drew attention to her nipples.
"I've thought about it, but no. I'm trying to get hired to be a server... but...What is it like?"
A brunette woman, the one who had been doing the splits earlier, spoke up first.
"It's not that hard. The lights are so bright and there are so many mirrors, you forget you have an audience. The first time you definitely want to be drunk, it just makes it so much easier. If you look like you're having fun, that's when you get the most money. Also the first night, girls tend to get a lot more...I think because people must feel sorry for you or something. It's not that bad though, really...and you forget about it when you're walking away with a grand a night."

-To be continued-

Edit, because music.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Fan Film Project- Phoenix Branch!


The Fan Film Project (TFFP) is working to assemble independent film makers from around the globe to create a new streaming Internet channel called The Independent Network (TIN). Formatted like a cable TV station, its content will be exclusive to the independent film community. 

This channel will run content 24/7, with a weekly programming guide, airing everything from short films and web series to feature-length film productions. 

Included will be new series featuring works from talent from around the world, as shorts are organized into episodes. For example, a yet-untitled comedy-variety show will feature unrelated comedic shorts in all forms, from stand up pieces and skits and animations. Other similar programs will feature works in other genres than comedy.

The goal of this station is to gather up independent film makers from small to large whose works deserve airing but have fallen through the cracks, and bring them together in a setting that will provide maximum exposure. 

TFFP is working to open up Branches in all cities in all countries around the world in a spirit of cooperation by being able to work together through file sharing, Skype communications, and other Internet resources to brainstorm and work on projects together. 

The types of projects TFFP are working on include science fiction, action-adventure, horror, and comedy shorts, along with works based on anime and video games, in formats ranging from web series to full length feature films.

Currently in development are Doctor Who 2.0 Origins, a film based on the popular BBC television program Doctor Who; Cereal Killer Z, a comedy-thriller zombie movie; and other movies and series. 

Kirk Johnson, founder of TFFP, says, “This streaming television station is the next step in the evolution of the entertainment industry, as the lines between televisions and computers blend together.”

“We already see a fair number of people watching Internet programing off of the internet,” he continues, “through the network connection in their televisions to small cheap devices you can now purchase, hooking your computer to your television for Internet viewing of things like Netflix and other services.”

“What will make this so attractive to the viewer is that this programing will be available on their computers and hand held devices with never before seen before programing,” he adds. “Plus, if they have a Branch open in their area the opportunity to become a part of what is being aired is there.”

To see if there is a branch open near you and see what projects are underway, along with management and other opportunities, go to !

Romina would like to add: I am the Phoenix office Branch Manager!!! I am looking for a place to host the first meeting and I am open to suggestions. If you are interested in being a part of this project, please contact me. Everyone is welcome at the meetings, especially those of you with interest or experience in set-design, sound production, performing, make-up, bribery, music, film, and theater. My contact information should be up on the official website soon. I can't wait to get started! <3

Saturday, December 14, 2013


So, over the summer people had a ridiculously low and skewed opinion of me. They probably still do, but whatever.
Thanks to the downright life-shattering lies my brother propagated via Facebook and his evil attempts to manipulate my life, the public thought I was crazy. My therapist strongly disagrees with this statement, and I am more than happy to bring anyone along to my next appointment.
That aside, it's a psychological fact that when someone already thinks you're crazy then anything you say sounds crazy. I had only myself to entertain, and I was getting really bored, so I decided to just run with the crazy thing and embrace it.
People thought it was insane to change my profile picture more than once a week and decided to stop being friends in real life because of it, so then I started changing it every day just to annoy them. a light bulb sitting on my counter when I first moved in. I was just cleaning up my place and trying to change some fucking light bulbs in my lamps. This was apparently an indication that I was on drugs, a criminal, and not allowed to drive by the powers that be.
None of this was true at the time.
To entertain myself, I made a whole centerpiece of light bulbs and have it proudly displayed on my kitchen counter.

People thought I was a dumb ho, so to entertain myself I chose some social networks to talk like one. I was ridiculing the dumb hoes myself, but I just wanted to see who would honestly believe I would ever seriously speak like that.
I hardly got drunk when I went out by myself, mainly because you need to keep your wits about you if you want to go out alone and not get taken advantage of. I also had to walk my ass home alone a lot of those nights. I would say things like, "oh my god where are my shoes?" in the most obnoxious drunk-white-girl voice I could muster just because it was fun. Call it a sociology experiment, if you want to call it anything.
One time there were some asshats being incredibly hurtful on the internet, so I wanted to go out and have fun dancing with my favorite DJ playing. I didn't want anyone to know where I was going because I didn't need any bitches judging my awkward, insane, jumping-around-like-I'm-5 style of dancing. So I posted on Facebook something along the lines of, "Why poke the crazies? If I'm so hysterical and delusional, isn't it best to leave me alone? So...what am I going to do tonight? Something fucking crazy."
Now, I know just that last line is accurate, I don't remember what else exactly I said. So...what did I do? I took my merry self on the lightrail, got to my favorite place to dance (before everyone knew which place it was), had two Redbull vodkas instead of one, and I danced until bar close. I rode the lightrail back home and went to sleep smiling after my dance-induced endorphin rush. To me, having the two redbull vodkas and jumping around for like 5 hours was pretty crazy. I don't know what everyone else assumed.
So you see, everything is relative.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Young Fuckery.

I made a short video, and embedded it here for your viewing pleasure. I tell a story. My family has always been so nice to me!
On a different note... what is my life about?
Have you figured it out yet?
Can you tell me?

 Here's the link:

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

My Bucket List

  • Get on the high school dance team.
  • Be in a play.
    Fall in love.
  • Marry my best friend.
  • Love myself.
  • Be in a commercial.
  • Be on the radio.
  • Be in a student film.
  • Be in a film  festival film.
  • Attend the Sundance Film Festival.
  • Be in a big studio production.
  • Smoke weed.
  • Go to Mill alone.
  • Go dancing on Mill alone. Just dancing.
  • Live with my best friend.
  • Live alone.
  • Get lost in Europe.
  • Disconnect from technology.
  • Not have a cellphone.
  • Live in the moment.
  • Own a cat.
  • Own a horse.
  • See an elephant in the wild.
  • Hold a koala before they go extinct.
  • Kiss under the Eiffel Tower.
  • Spontaneous roadtrip.
  • Be a mother.
  • Spoon under the stars.
  • Have a real, loving, close-knit family to call my own.
  • Overuse "I love you".
  • Give people a good reason to remember my name.
  • Try psychedelics.
  • Go to jail.
  • Go to a hair show audition and get chosen.
  • Meet Ellie Goulding.
  • Explore the UK.
  • Meet J.K. Rowling.
  • Buy property in Switzerland.
  • Attend a convention in Geneva.
  • Find fossils in Norway.
  • Go on an African safari.
  • Ask the President for his autograph.
  • Run for public office.
  • Be elected.
  • Feel comfortable with the way I look.
  • Enter a jumping competition (equestrian).
  • Win a jumping competition.
  • Dance on-stage again (ballet or lyrical, you pervs)
  • Physically help in a disaster.
  • Sleep in a tour bus.
  • Live in Europe.
  • Learn German.
  • Live in Colorado.
  • Smoke weed with my kids on their 18th birthdays.
  • Hike in the Rockies.
  • See the northern lights.
  • Witness a solar eclipse.
  • Watch a meteor shower with someone I love.
  • Explore a castle.
  • Survive a kidnapping attempt in Paris.
  • Be comfortable singing around someone else.
  • Buy my dad a new home.
  • Have a paint fight.
  • Have...another paint fight.
  • Go to a strip club.
  • Get a lap dance from sexy twins.
  • Ride a motorcycle in Mexico.
  • Ride a motorcycle anywhere else.
  • Have my niece to myself for a whole year, living abroad.
  • Watch a Broadway show in NYC.
  • Show Amsterdam to someone I love.
  • Sing at a karaoke bar.
  • Join an improv troupe.
  • Be in a horror film.
  • Be the lead in a play.
  • Help a troubled teen.
  • Scatter my mother's ashes at Big Bear Lake.
  • Visit Sweden.
  • Try to find long-lost family.
  • Visit Lithuania.
  • Visit my cousin in Dubai.
  • Find a truly comfortable pair of heels.
  • Feel sexy.
  • Get one more tattoo.
  • Take my nephew stargazing.
  • Take my niece and nephews on a ferry boat.
  • See him smile.
  • Explore the catacombs under Hamburg.
  • Explore the catacombs in Amsterdam,
  • Visit Italy with a friend.
  • See the Vatican.
  • Take my grandmother to see the Vatican.
  • Visit the Louvre.
  • Go to Montpellier.
  • Help end human sex-trafficking.
  • Be a member of the Screen Actor's Guild.
  • Be a human rights activist.
  • Find meteorites in Antarctica.
  • Live in New Zealand.
  • Meet The Bloggess.
  • Meet Jenna Marbles.
  • Co-star in a video with Jenna Marbles.

-to be continued-

Many of these I've accomplished, and many more I have not. This is my life bucket list, make your own and share please!

Dramatic Turn of Events

Holy fuck.
This shit is PAINFUL!

Remember when I was all like: "the doctor said I sprained/bruised my ribcage!" and "breathing hurts lol"

Yeah...I severely downplayed how much pain I'm in. Also? The doctor LIED. Or...didn't think to poke my kidneys because I was acting so nonchalant in the office. kept getting worse, and worse, and worse...until I was sure I was going to die hugging a cat. I thought of things my gravestone would say like "She died as she lived- ignoring her problems until it was too late." Or..."She died hugging a cat, so no one feel bad for her." I knew it was bad when I had BOTH of my cats laying with me and they weren't even growling at each other. So...the night after THAT madness, I went in to the doctor again. She started touching my ribcage, which hurt but stabbing demon pain I was having...then she squeezed...right under the ribcage...and I...died. Well, I screamed and almost started crying and I was like "YOU MADE THE STABBING COME BACK THANKS A LOT!" and she laughed, then told me I needed to call people and find someone to drive me to the ER immediately....
So, I helped Keegan get out of work and he drove me to the ER. Mutually beneficial friendship, I think. THANKS KEEGAN!!!
Then my dad met me there.

It was kind of nice, actually. I got seen immediately, there was no waiting, and the nurse was very liberal with the morphine. They did all the things while I was asking everyone if they were married and getting all sentimental and crap.

I mentioned before that this all started after I fell off a had tried to prevent myself from falling by grabbing onto the swing with my right hand, causing me to fall on my left side. My right hand was all sorts of bruised but nothing broken or anything so I kind of forgot that it still looked like I got in a fight.
The ladies seemed concerned asking me what happened, if I felt safe, if someone was harming me...because I guess a 22 year old girl saying "I...fell off a swing...yeah..." sounds pretty shady. It's like a more creative version of "I ran into a door."
There were a lot of questions about my safety, and they had to write in their report where it happened and what time and date and it was weird... but I think they were satisfied when they realized that I'm the type of girl that falls off swings and tries ballet on her concrete roof. I have a really high pain tolerance so I really do avoid emergency rooms and doctors and never really know whether something is serious or not.
This was bad though. I honestly felt that maybe God had given me an extra faulty gallbladder on the left side as a prank.
They did a cat scan of everything to make sure my idiot self hadn't fucked up all of my internal organs with my shenanigans.
The culprit ended up being a kidney. Well...kidneys? The actual disease they gave me is "acute pyelonephritis", which I think sounds way more bad-ass than "kidney infection", so I'll go with that.
It really only hurts on the left though. Still, they found some infection that I guess had been running rampant that WHOLE TIME that I thought it was a bruised ribcage. FUCK. They gave me antibiotics there and fluids and shit, and of course I have to finish the antibiotics here. I also got painkillers, which I need if I want to do anything besides laying in the fetal position on my floor-bed all day. It's nice, I got the really good ones for the first week, then like normal ones for after that. I'm very happy with the treatment and service I received at the Scottsdale hospital, which is in stark contrast to how I was treated at the Tempe one last summer.Tempe was the reason I was avoiding hospitals and doctors. I was traumatized!
Anywho, sorry. This is long and whiney and I hate whining but I'm really good at it so...
I also wanted to update family so I don't have to talk to them on the phone. :P
Yeah, I'm an asshole.
In cooler news, I have an audition today! It's on Princess Blvd....I can't make this shit up.
So...pray for me, wish me luck, tell me to break a know...I would really appreciate it!
I also received good feedback for my audition tape that I sent for a real, actual, MOVIE!
So...there's that. Please, please, please, send positive energy my way because I really want to be in this movie. If I get the part I won't feel like I threw it all away for nothing, I won't feel like a failure, and you'll get to see my face on a big screen. Who doesn't want that? :P I will go to Texas to film. I will...shout with joy.
I will do...anything...Positive thoughts please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Not a Real Post

So I never write about what I do and people think I lie, when nothing I say is a lie. I just count on the fact that no one believes me anyways so I don't have to censor myself.
I start my new job on Monday at a marketing research company.
On Wednesday I have a hair show audition and I'm reeeaallyy hoping I get chosen. It's...a lot of money to get my hair done by professionals while getting pictures taken. This is the life, man. My hair might be crazy looking next week, and that's alright with me.
I have a friend who moved to Germany a while ago, first as a study abroad thing and then she just decided she liked it and went back. She's helping me with the aupair agency stuff so...yes, I have a game plan for when I move. The most expensive part is the plane ticket,  which I've had since June. It's currently on hold and I have until June 23, 2014 to go. If I get to live with a family and have that all ready to go, then there will be zero stress when I show up in a new country. At least the work and housing will be set while I adjust.
Anyways I...still have a lot of loose ends in life. Make plans and God laughs, right?
So I'm not really too attached to any vision for my future anymore. I'm just going with the flow and working hard to make my childhood dreams come true. If other people fail me, well, I've got myself! I can't be let down if I have zero expectations.  I can, however, be surprised.  We'll see how 2014 goes I suppose, but it's got to be better than this year. *_-

Friday, December 6, 2013

So Home.

As you can tell, I don't have a lot going on at this very second.
I have a lot to get done, but my bruised ribs are like: haha you thought! No bitch.
It's all fun and games until someone falls off the swing. -_-

So, here's a blast to the past with this awesome conversation piece!

Now I'm going to go try to cuddle Archer without him trying to make out with me. Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Jail Story

edit- if you watch from a Desktop it should work. I took the video on my phone yet my phone YouTube wouldn't play it back to me after I uploaded it...from my phone... So YouTube and Google have some issues to work through, but I promise I'm hilarious and you should watch this when you can.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Winter is Fantastic

Ke$ha's Die Young inspired an impromptu solo dance party in my room. I have a normal person job interview tomorrow and tons of auditions. :D
Is this what success tastes like?
I found this note earlier today in my yearbook. In my high school we had to write ourselves letters as Freshmen and we didn't get to see them again until we got our high school diploma. This is fucking precious, and you KNOW it is. I was 14 when I wrote this.

I feel better than a child on Christmas morning. I feel better than a little kid playing with bubbles.
I feel...unstoppable.


I'm supposed to be doing a reading for this casting thing, but I'm freaking the fuck out.


Ahem. Anyways. I decided to write a blog post to clear my racing mind and help get myself into character.

You know that saying, when it rains, it pours?
I don't know why. I don't know what I do. I don't know why anyone likes me. I am just at a point in my life where I am going to be incredibly selfish. I like being a lone wolf most of the time. I'm leaving the country this summer, so...I don't want to get attached to anybody and I don't want anyone getting attached to me.
I work a lot. No, I'm not complaining. I have the best jobs in the world. "Working" is oftentimes talking to myself for hours on end in my room, changing the inflection of words in a single sentence. I need to practice faces in the mirror. I sometimes sit and watch people to figure out what normal people look like interacting.
I'm having the time of my life.
Is this how I pictured my life? Well...when I was 10, 14, 16...yes, absolutely, this is exactly how I pictured my life.
I have a soft spot in my cold, icy heart for one person. I think everyone is well-aware. I let go of the things I can't change, though, and found happiness. If you love something...let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. In the meantime...I'm just letting it be.
At this point...people tell me exactly what I want to hear, so I don't trust them. Other people criticize everything I do, and their opinion simply isn't any of my business. Don't believe what you hear, don't believe what you see. Trust yourself. Follow the heartlines on your hand. The rest is background noise.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I never make sense.
Everyone's like: LET ME LAVISH ATTENTION ON YOU! Be young, live it up! HANG OUT WITH US HO.
Me: Um. I'm busy.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Bubble Wrap Update

Official diagnoses: sprained ribs


I'm glad it's not something serious, but really? I suck at life!

The doctors advice: I know breathing hurts, but you just have to.


Bubble Wrap Required!

So... this is going to be a whiney post, just skip it.

A few nights ago I was on the swings and lost my one-handed battle to stay on. The result is another bruised hand, and I fell on my back. I just laughed, and laughed. I didn't realize this meant I can no longer even attempt to open anything with a lid! My other thumb, leftie, is  forever broken, simply because I can never go enough time without doing something stupid to it. The first time wasn't my fault, in July. Then I got arrested in September, and the handcuffs re-injured it. The worst time was punching the concrete floor with that same thumb as I fell from a graceful ballerina leap on my roof one night. I just...don't even take that hand seriously anymore. Righty though, I NEED RIGHTY. It's just a bruise though.
I don't know if it has anything to do with falling off a swing, or maybe something to do with all the cigarettes I smoke and energy drinks and/or coffee I consume to wake up in the morning, but something HURTS. I had to stop ignoring it last night. I just always want to throw up and like I'm going to pass out, and it fucking hurts like someone is stabbing me right below my ribs. Now the pain is going back to my shoulder, too, all on the left side. I finally decided to get over my whole "never seeing a doctor again" thing. I'm going in a little while, where I'll probably be told I'm just crazy and in the best health ever.
If I can have all my stuff. You know it's sweet stuff, man.
In conclusion, I cannot be trusted at life. I think I need to break into the old geology museum and steal the massive roll of bubble wrap we used to play with and wrap myself in it. The jumbo-roll of industrial strength bubble wrap was for fossils and shit, but we just liked to play with it. We also never actually bothered to use it around the priceless fossils. I'm glad I never dropped any of them...

Monday, December 2, 2013


I can't stop. I won't stop!

Giggling, that is.

Things are happening!

I wish I had someone to share my happiness with

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Teaspoon of Honesty

So I was going through some things, and found something I wrote on September 14 in response to a blog post. It's sheer honesty, and kind of painful for me to read back over. I've been posting silly things lately, and please don't take it the wrong way. I don't need calls telling me to "be happy" or to stop talking about you. I am happy, damn it, as happy as I can be in this situation anyways. I've been through a lot of shit, and if I never talk about it guess where it stays? Inside, where it slowly kills me.  If I didn't write I would be depressed. Anyways, here's the original blog post. Read it, it's insightful.

HollyGoLightly •
I had a...similar...problem. I was forced to choose between family and family. I was at the time entirely dependent on family #1. It was not because I wanted to, but because I was trying trying trying to save any ties to my past, any relationships, anyone who I thought might help me with the major emotional/mental shitstorm at hand. I was dependent on family #1 in regards to housing, food, transportation, and all methods of communication to anyone on "the outside" of  family #1.... I did have internet at the time, and that was my means to say anything. I asked family #2 for help, only I failed at the time to understand why family #2 felt hurt...Family #1 I was born with. Family #2 I chose. It comprised of every friend, every person I loved in the country and community that I was lucky enough to be raised in. I felt guilty for choosing family #2 all over again. I could not imagine my life without any of them. However...the guilt. Maybe I thought it would be fair to give each family a chance because I always heard that family would be there for you when you had no where to sleep at night and no where you could run to, nowhere to charge a laptop, nowhere else to change your clothes or just...listen to music. I hurt both families, and when it came down to it I DID choose family #2 family #1 did not simply let me go...Family #1 decided to punish me swiftly and severely so I was not allowed to "run" until it was...too late. I felt everyone thought I was a burden and I loved family so much how could I possibly hurt them more by existing around them, dragging them into my bullshit? I couldn't do that. I had one chance. One night to wait until they were sleeping, steal a truck with everything I had ever owned that I thought was worth saving from a fire...
This was a while ago to many people in my personal life, but it was hard being my only advocate. Things take a lot longer when you feel like you have been betrayed, scorned, ostracised, judged, and lied to by every single person that you ever trusted. It doesn't matter if that is true or not. Truth may vary depending on which angle you view a situation from...I felt like I forgot to take myself out of that house, so I saved all my precious memories from my friends and families...and let myself burn instead.
It becomes difficult to not rethink every handshake. Every friendship. Every time you trust someone with your name is a huge victory. Fake it till you make it. One day, at some point, you realize you weren't trying and your world didn't implode once again. You have to trust yourself...and in that situation it was difficult but once you find it...once you know it beyond a shadow of a doubt...well then you feel on top of the world and want to be allowed to show it for the few minutes or hours a day that you step outside

P.S. Technology is not my friend, any impression to the contrary that I give is me trying to convince myself that I even know how to turn on one of these new-fangled lappy tops....


Don't mind me. Carry on!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


::gets hacked::
::disjointed nonsense sent to friends and family::
::gets labeled insane::
::buys a plane ticket::
::works ass off for 5 months::
::moves to England::
::illegally marries a redhead::
::finds out he's a Prince::
::hilarity ensues::

So, that's my new novel summary so far. I understand that what I am writing is fiction! Fiction means fake! That's what writing with your imagination produces!

On a completely unrelated note, I have decided my future...well, a small part of it. After much thought, therapy,  and deliberation...I decided that to make things easier on myself I will be using my already-purchased Lufthansa ticket to move to London, England! I don't know how long I will be there for. At least for the long, summer months. By that point I'll probably have made new friends and found new people to call family, and I'll love my, maybe I'll stay there forever, or hop around countries visiting aaaallllll my cousins. I met with my acting agent, Ruth, yesterday and it went incredible! I love her and the actor community soooo much. She even said Dustin considers me a little sister, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yes, these are real human beings whom I have interacted with since I was like 15 and auditioned for her for the first time (didn't get in until I was 18 and had gone through a crash course in commercial acting from Sandy Gibbons at John Robert Powers). They, and my dreams, are not figments of my imagination. My resume is not a figment of my imagination. The people who I met this summer when I stayed out for like a month are not figments of my imagination. You want their info, I've got their cards motherfuckers.

Have a nice day! ^_^

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Rose, The Hummingbird, and the Astronaut.

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl named Rose. She had a hummingbird that hummed around her in the lush flower gardens of her youth. She didn't have any siblings, her and the hummingbird lived in the garden and greeted visitors enthusiastically. Rose was bubbly and easily amused,  so she was able to entertain the visitors and she befriended everyone. None of the visitors ever stayed for very long. When she was very small, Rose used to cry and cry because she was filled with grief and longing for her friends and cousins who came and went. Everyone enjoyed their time in the garden, but they always had to go back to their own lives. Rose yearned to go with, sometimes grabbing their legs and begging them to stay and the strangers would politely remove her from their legs and tell her "big girls don't cry, goodbye now Rosie".
The hummingbird noticed how little Rose hurt and heard her cry. The hummingbird decided to fill Rose with dreams, something greater than the people who would always have to leave. So...with the help of the hummingbird, Rose learned to ride a bike. She was so insecure and so scared the hummingbird would leave her, and she made the hummingbird promise to never let go. They went back and forth several times, Rosie refusing to get on the bike until the hummingbird promised again, and again, "I won't let go!"
Finally, Rose got on the bike, the hummingbird let go...and...Rose didn't crash. She rode a long ways before she realized no one was holding her, and then she started crying when she realized she was alone...and crashed. The hummingbird caught up, trying not to laugh, and told her "you were flying too fast for me, I lost my grip." Rose threw a fit and cried and sulked and vowed she would never forgive the hummingbird.
The next day, she was on the bike again. Eventually she realized the hummingbird wasn't teaching her to ride a bike, it was teaching her to fly. Rose didn't have wings, she didn't look like a bird, and certainly didn't feel like one, but she zoomed around on her bike. She raced the wind down the winding path she knew so well and then raced back in terror time after time to find the hummingbird laughing. "I'm so proud of you!" always awaited at the end of her mad dashes of freedom. There were no reprimands, no belittling words, only love.
One day Rose was watching a play with her birdie, and the bird could tell she was getting worked up over something. Rose had that look she gets when she's piecing something together. A mixture of determination, anger, and...a kind of glazed look, like she's seeing something really far away. The bird hummed around her face until Rose snapped out of it. She looked at the bird and said, "why can't I be the one on the stage looking at all the pretty lights?"
The bird was perplexed, and worried. She had worked so hard to build Rose's confidence over the years and she knew that it would take one tired comment to throw it all in the trash. Rose was fragile, breakable, too little. The hummingbird wasn't about to let her put herself at risk for harsh criticism and disappointment, so she said "Rose, they are acting. They don't let you do that unless you can make yourself cry on command." The bird thought this was a simple enough explanation, and enough to deter Rose's curiosity. Rose put her head down and covered her face for a moment and looked up at the bird with tears streaming down her face. No one said anything for a long, tear-filled, agonizing minute. The silence and stares of onlookers were suddenly pierced by Rose's laughter. "I CAN CRY! I CAN CRY!" she screamed, beside herself with glee.
A resounding ::gulp:: came from the bird.

-to be continued-

Saturday, November 23, 2013


Okay so...I know I'm an actor because when I announce that I'm SAG-eligible and that they ran a Taft-Hartley on me in 2009, I expect these reactions:
Instead I get:

How is this not more exciting than the NASA internship, or the cocaine rats, or breathing?
This is.................................................. my childhood dream. My life-long dream.
No one seems to grasp the significance of it, or why it matters, or why it's such a big deal, or...AHHHH.


Friday, November 22, 2013



So, what is:
  • vampirestat
  • livecams
  • yandex
  • tattooofbadass (too many o's? whatever, too lazy to go back and check)
Should I be worried?
Why can't I click on livecams?
Why so many redirects?
Why the gibberish languages?

What are this?
 Why do I get told to "enjoy your moment" by strangers every time I go buy anything?
They're usually like, "you never know, each day could be your last". Is that a death threat? It's totally a death threat, isn't it?


In other news, my therapist (Molly Dean, she's amazing, omg, go to her. "A New Path" in Phoenix.) told me to write a book. Everyone keeps telling me to write a book. I want's just...hard.
I just want to take all my diaries to a publisher and say, "here, have at it".
Only, I haven't actually written about what's happened in like a year. I write about my feelings and jokes, but, I realized looking back that I never write about what I actually do do. doodoo. hahaha
I just want to tell my stories, in videos. They sound less dramatic that way because of my ridiculous facial expressions. Tomorrow I'm west-siding it and getting that other webcam so I can tell all about jail. It's hilarious. The story is everything I hoped for, and more.
Unfortunately, I have court next week.
Fortunately, I wasn't actually stealing wine from the golf shack so....

Thursday, November 21, 2013

It's Not Gay

When it's right, it's right.
Think about it.
We can join forces and maybe put out videos...twice a week. Maybe that's too ambitious, but baby, I know we can.
Girl, you know what I like. You know that I like it.
We can eat whipped cream, or blast it from our magnificent breasts boobies.
We can hold hands on the boardwalk.
When we're gettin' nasty at the club and weirdos try to grope us, we can just make out.
I can feel it. This love is real.
will you...make videos with me?
Even one?
Please say yes. I hate rejection.
I'll even move for you baby. You think Max No Sleeves is so great because he moved to LA with you?
I'll do that. I'll do so much more for you.

Think about it, baby.  ;)

P.S. I love you.

Sexual Frustration

I feel like I'm on that Disney ride "It's a small world after all! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!" only...I can never get off.

Pun intended.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Daisy Predicted My Future

We made predictions for each other and some of our closest friends one summer when we were in Rocky Point. We were 15. We agreed not to look at the predictions until 2013, when we were all supposed to graduate from college.
This is what I wrote about her:

We're assholes, so by "decent" we actually meant "I see her making a shit-ton of money". We like to push each other though... 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Dear Diary. *music edit

I went to the park today and cried and wrote in my diary. I will now copy what I wrote. If you want to just rip me to shreds, please don't continue reading.

Dear diary,
people who know the date and day of the week really have their shit together.
I've never felt so alive...and so dead.
Now what?
Lately, people say the strangest things to me, out shopping, driving, at the park, on the internet. I don't realize how odd it all is until I have someone else with me. They notice that the elevator beeps for far too long when I get in. They, and I, notice that the entire store alarms go off when I walk in. Then if I'm buying cigarettes, 3 or 4 men rush in and buy the same kind I just bought.
I meet people...and sometimes I recognize them. Sometimes from tv or music or movies. Sometimes I don't...but figure it out later. I have to keep asking myself if they're real. Am I real? Is this all a dream?
But no. Unfortunately?
I feel like a leaf. Just...falling in the autumn breeze, letting the wind blow me any which way it pleases.I fall to the ground, and then occassionally flutter hopelessly up in a new breeze. I'm lost, and I don't think anyone's looking for me.
I'm...trying to connect a few dots, and I might be way off. I don't want to name names just yet, so I'll use initials. J told me his sister is an actress. I have a suspicion she might be the same girl from Ed Sheeran's Give Me Love video. Maybe just a coincidence. Maybe not. BUT then the fighter I met...that one night...well, he gave me his card and they all share a last name.
Well...then..."Amy" and I had a fight because I thought she was telling everyone about my problem, and I thought that's why people were suddenly being rude and following me into bathrooms. I didn't want legal trouble. I didn't mean to attack her, or her friends, and in all honesty if she was telling people she probably was just trying to help. I was so scared, and alone, and I felt cornered and I lashed out. I'm embarrassed about it, and she has since forgiven me which made me so fucking happy. I just...once again, wish I could take it back. I have also forgiven anyone and everyone who has wronged me or who I perceived as having wronged me. Holding onto anger is just like drinking a cup of poison.
Without any of the anger...the fire? I just feel empty. I feel like my presence anywhere is so unwelcome. So yeah. My biggest fear is being forgotten, and at the same time I also feel like everyone would be better off if I disappeared. I just go around disappointing everyone day after day.
I'm so fucking weird that people probably think I'm on drugs, when in reality this is me dead sober. Do I wish I was on drugs? Yes. Then I wouldn't have to feel. I gave that up a long time ago. Even weed. I ran out and just...stayed sober. The truth is I don't know how to act around people. I don't know how to talk to people. Everything I say comes out wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anymore either. I hope no one ever feels the way I feel now. So lost. I like to sleep now, a lot, because there's a chance I'll be happy in my dreams. Last night I had such a wonderful dream, and then Archer woke me up. I yelled at him, "LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP! IN MY DREAMS APOLOGIES WORK". Then cried. So. That's all I've got now. Dreams.
"If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real." -from an Ellie Goulding cover*
By the way, I just need to mention, my place is haunted. Not by spirits, but living ghosts and monsters. People. I've known for ages that other people have copies of my key. My largely rewritten by someone else. I find drawings. I find...letters. Single letters, not like...pages with words. The one time I was actually spooked was when I found a triangle arrangment of my GRE notecards in the center of my bedroom after being away for a few days. Sometimes all my pictures and paintings are face-down. My SIM card in my phone is not even the same company as the one I bought, so there's that. I'm almost glad someone sneaks into my room though. I am. I just wish they didn't have to sneak.
I'm over my GTA days, when I was trying to get away from the fancy cars following me around. Now I've accepted it. I still don't really quite know why, but let's follow the traffic rules, that's fun!
Um. I couldn't write when I was perfectly happy. So I have journals upon journals of my life, the first one started when I was 6 and learning to write and learning english. There's a life gap of about 5 years where I barely wrote. Why? I was too happy. So happy. I'm afraid I will never be that happy again.


I Blame The Bloggess, Today
Today is going to be...less tear-filled than yesterday because instead of blaming myself for my horrible life choices, I can blame Jenny!
Who went crazy in Europe? The Bloggess.
Who robbed me in Paris? The Bloggess.
Who made my husband hate me? The Bloggess
Who refuses to compromise and hug and cuddle and be happy with me? The Bloggess
Who makes me cat walk all over me and wake me up from beautiful dreams? The Bloggess
Who is making me get a "normal person" job? The Bloggess


Happy Tuesday!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Black Horses Everywhere!

 So, we all remember Katy Perry's song "Dark Horse", ft. Juicy J, from Prism, right?
Here it is:

Keeping with that's "Black Beauty" by Lana del Rey:

I paint my nails black
I dye my hair a darker shade of brown
'Cause you like your women spanish, dark, strong and proud
I paint the sky black
You said if you could have your way
You'd make it nighttime all today
So it'd suit the mood with your song

Oh, what can I do?
Nothing, my sparrow blue
Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Black beauty
Oh x2

I paint the house black
My wedding dress black leather too
You have no room for light
Love is lost on you
I keep my lips red
They seem like cherries in the spring
Darling you can't let everything seem so dark blue

But oh, what can I do?
Nothing, my sparrow blue
Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Oh x5
Black beauty baby x2

Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Black beauty
Oh x4

Because, REASONS!

The awkward post was a story. Meaning, fiction. I don't, and never have, had a girlfriend. I just say very lesbian things sometimes.
I may or may not have a Powerpoint of "Beautiful Ladies" on my computer to look at when I'm sad.
That doesn't necessarily mean anything.

My Life in Cat Videos

Leela: I don't know that freak, don't look at me!
::drinks from toilet::

Leela Playing Zelda


So...I finished my phoenix tattoo yesterday...only...NOT REALLY. Now that it's colored I realize it needs some dramatic smoke swirls around it or something. Anyways...getting it colored in did not hurt as much as the outline whatsoever. In fact, I laughed at some points in the process because it tickled, or because I was thinking about Kanye West. Don't ask. It was hilarious.
I slept for like 12 hours, woke up crying, slept. I'm sick, it turns out. I'm freezing at 78 degrees, and I can't wear clothes because they stick to my tattoo. So I'm stuck, topless, in my room. Being miserable. Sorry.
If I am unresponsive for a few days, I'm sleeping.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Excuse me, mister

Excuse me, I'm tired of people thinking everything I do is for someone else. No.
The things I do are for me. I want to. They distract me. I was told to do them by someone else who owns me. Or I'm trying to not sink into the big black hole of depression and self-hatred.
The things I DON'T do? Those are all because of that someone else.
They are also because I just don't want to do them. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to have sex with randoms. I don't want to go clubbing. I don't want to go out and get wasted and black out around college frat boys. So, I don't.
Simple, really. Nothing is ever as complicated as you think it is, and also, not trying to prove shit to anyone. I what I do. Isn't that the same for everyone else? If I buy a monster instead of a rockstar one day, it's because I fucking want a monster that day instead of a rockstar, or maybe it's on sale!
If I take the time to handwrite you notes and leave them at your house with presents, then yeah, I'm in love with you, but I have ZERO control over how you feel so I try to put it out of my mind and go about my days and days. I don't sing well, but I LIKE IT, so fuck you. I'm not a world-class dancer, but that WAS my safety self-expression over the summer. When dancing stopped being fun because bitches started judging and like making it a competition, look what happened? I tried to die. So now, I sing. I narrate what I do, through song. I sing along to almost anything so pay no attention to the words I'm singing. Someone else wrote them. It's not a competition. I don't give two shits who I'm annoying when I sing in public. If they don't like it, they can move away from me or put headphones in. I also found out when you go about in singing in public, people tend to leave you alone and your own voice drowns out whatever bullshit other people are spewing at you, works out for me. This is like...all I did as a child...So...gonna go ahead and keep being weird as fuck and not accepting rides to Vegas from strangers and not meeting randoms from Instagram who like to write in blood on my roof anymore.

I'm having a really hard time because for Christmas, fucking Christmas, which already makes me want to blow my brains out, well my family decided they want to go ahead and do EXACTLY WHAT MY MOM EXPLICITLY TOLD US THOUSANDS OF TIMES SHE DIDN'T WANT.
They want to take her ashes and put a fucking cemetery. THE REASON SHE WANTED HER ASHES SPREAD IN THE SNOW, ON BIG BEAR LAKE, WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS VERY MUCH AGAINST THE IDEA OF BEING IN A CEMETERY. She didn't want us to be stuck going to the same spot to mourn her. She said we could do that from anywhere, it isn't one fucking place where the remains of her body are. That, and she loved the snow more than anything so near the end she even said to make it easier on us that it didn't have to be Big Bear, BUT IT SHOULD BE SNOW, IN THE MOUNTAINS.
Nope. Family DGAFs about her. I feel like no one fucking knew her, no one loved her like I did, no one cares about what she wanted. They're being selfish. Also, "BIL" took pictures of her dead body "for the children" and my aunt got pissed at him. My mom didn't even want the kids to see her body, and there's their dad TAKING PICTURES.
So when I'm looking down in the dumps, please don't assume what it's about. It could be about something as serious as this, or maybe my face just looks weird that day. I guess you'll never know...if you never ask. Even'll leave with an unsure feeling in the pit of your stomach. Was I even real? Probably not.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

"Be Careful When Anyone Loves You"

"...but one thing's for certain, he'll definitely try to finish off the job if he's still alive, and he'll probably do it while you're sleeping...and he'll probably look like someone you love, just to make it worse when he murders you. So, you know, be on the lookout for that. And be careful when anyone loves you."