Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Word "Crazy" - **now with Natalie Portmeow

Rumor has it I'm just too crazy.
I LOVE how only AFTER the ER bill for over $5000 got to my parents house did he decide to believe me about anything ever and lend me the truck. Daddy dearest is not the worst person, but he was surrounded by the worst people and has let them convince him I'm crazy I have always been on the insurance policy in the SAME way for the 3 cars yet I had to waste my "Moving to Europe money"  on rental cars, U-Hauls, motels, hotels, and taxis because I was not "allowed" to drive the 2 cars  sitting idly day after day, and I was not trusted to be given MY money for MY Prius, which I was forced by circumstances to sell immediately in June, even though I wanted to keep it until I was sure I was leaving....I say "Forced to sell" because no one would lend me a fucking hand when I got back and I couldn't do anything physical like standing or going outside. Doctors fucking orders. 
No, too crazy. 
So I sold my car so I could go right back and get a place of my own since I was unwanted at my legal residence at the time. Incidentally, I wanted to move out of that residence only because I was a bitch to the person I love and I could not stand to cause any more pain,  more panic or anger by remaining, legally, there. It hurt too much. He is the ONLY person who had any right to be upset with me...and even so, I had every right to be upset with him too and I was. This is called a "fight" and I hear that it happens sometimes in a marriage. Five years without a real fight, I say we were due for a big one. Nope, people fighting? Too crazy. So I sold my car to move out...annnd.....where is the money?
I'm too crazy right now to receive my money. 
Wtf. That was money MY MOTHER LEFT ME. I used most of it to trade in MY Honda so I could afford to buy MY PRIUS in cash so I could sell it when my husband and I decided to move, or to have an economic car. I still haven't seen the rest of the money for that since my dad gave me money once as a gift and now wants it back and kept it. Thankfully I am not an idiot and I also had a tiny bit of money stashed away, because I have BEEN SAVING from the insane amount of money I have earned all by myself in the last 4 years alone. Nearly $90,000 in scholarships and grants, NO LOANS BITCHES!
Oh, I just used a curse word? "CALM DOWN CRAZY!"
What I earn through acting- that's nobody's business. Let's just say the one time I worked with dogs was mostly for fun and not seriously a paycheck, BUT that was also the only time in 4 years that I told my agent not to send me on auditions that season because I was NOT OKAY for almost a year after my mom died...like not okay to act okay in front of...professionals and cameras and lights and microphones. Not even my husband knew how much I made or how often I worked. He doesn't like to talk about his job or earnings. I don't either. Hmmmm two people with similar views on everything, even finances? SHOCKING, crazy some might say, how they were so perfect and happy together. We are two busy young adults and I sometimes leave the house for an hour or two to run errands or see a friend, to go give rats cocaine at school for this scientific research paper, or I might go to the studio to record and guzzle down tons of free drinks while I get paid for saying some shit, you know, normal kid stuff. I fucking love my life, and my life before all this shit I'm convinced was TOO PERFECT so some bad shit had to happen, and that's okay.
Anyways, we never talked about work or had to worry about money or stressed about it like every other married couple does, especially my parents growing up. I knew we were the lucky ones. We both knew we could move away to something new and better, maybe Colorado, when I was done with school. It wasn't stressful, but suuuper exciting when we talked about moving away. The only time we ever discussed finances went something like this "So I will work full time to save right before the move" and "I will actually get one of this jobs people talk about to pay our daily expenses while we save".  We WERE NOT rich by any means, at all, but we got to live pretty fucking great lives and both of us refuse to accept money from our parents. Financially independent and very, very proud of the fact. Both of us. When my family snooped and asked if he completely supports me financially, and I said "no", they reacted like this:
-OMFG HE'S SO CRAZY WHAT AN ASSHOLE GET RID OF HIM
Me- I have always been financially independent and want to keep it that way...I don't want to mix accounts either....
-OMFG YOU ARE TOO CRAZY TIME TO GET YOU SOME MENTAL HELP
My husband and I had it figured out. If we wanted something we just put in some extra hours at work and it was ours. We never bought something that we couldn't afford. That to me is the DEFINITION of wealth and the real "American dream". Haha we were such assholes, we are such assholes. Like really. I can't talk to people most of the time because I don't know how to not be an asshole long enough to alienate them, but that's because I had my asshole-other-half for 5 years to talk shit with about others and mostly to toot our own horns. Which, if you can't tell by this, we LOVE to do. I was LIVING the American Dream. Especially when we've got this lifestyle at 21 and 23 years old, respectively. 
No, that's just too crazy we must be secretly miserable degenerates. That's what those relatives have thought for years.
Anyways, lots of people think I'm lying or exaggerating when I say I'm an actress. What? No.What else do I say? I...I make a living acting thanks to my acting agent and get tons of free time to experience other things. I'm...really an actress, you guys. Eligigble for membership in the Screen Actors Guild when I was 18. Now I am SAG and AFTRA eligible at 22.... THAT'S me bragging, but my momma isn't here to brag for me so I have to brag a little bit ^_^
But that's just so crazy
I don't talk about work to anyone who is not at work with me and I have had that rule for myself from the start. It wasn't weird of me to not mention work to my husband either, especially since most of the time he was at his own job or at school when I would go record a commercial really quick or whatever I did that day. The ONLY one I mentioned was my very first commercial in 2009, which I landed after my very first audition under representation by Leighton, and that HAPPENED to be a union (Screen Actors Guild) job, so not only did I gain entrance by invitation to the most exclusive union in the world, the most sought-after prize by many, on my very first try but I didn't even watch that commercial when it aired during the Fiesta Bowl on national television...I just know from the residuals that it continued to air for a while. I still have not seen it, and I don't want to. That's how I am.
So crazy!
My mom bragged too much about that one, so after Tostito's I only told her sometimes if I had an audition, usually not, and only told her sometimes if I landed a job. I do NOT tell anyone when I audition because I am too afraid to fail. I don't want anyone to ask me about it later and tell them "I didn't land it" or "I don't know" and then get questioned about it. Anyways, I only told my mom about gigs when it was a different type of job...say my first voice-over for tv, or radio, english, spanish, tv- local or regional or national....I told her my firsts so I could talk to her after about the new experience and that was it. The other relatives pissed all over my dancing, acting, performance talk since I was like 9 or 10-that is when I first started harassing my mom to let me audition for an agency...so she put me in dance...and those relatives? They have only negative comments about my first dance recital, very first performance ever, and all I heard all that night  as an excited 10-year-old was how shitty I was and how fat I looked. I got yelled at for wasting everybody's time since my dance was AFTER intermission and they had to wait around...They never went to anything of mine ever again... When I get new headshots done they have nothing nice to say either, even the most recent ones... so fuck them. If they criticize my headshots to death and also still make fun of a dance concert I was in when I was 10 which was the first and only performance of mine any of them ever went to is it any wonder my mom told me to just keep the good stuff for myself so no one would rain on my parade every single time I had a parade. I was 14 the last time they heard anything about it and my mom didn't want to share this with them either because their negativity was appalling and off-putting. My first real headshots were when I was 15 and my mom and I told relatives that they were just professional pictures I had done to commemorate turning 15...lololol
So crazy! :)
Just a few days ago I was too crazyyyy, delusional, meth-ed out (this one made me LOL forever) or  high off of my "prescription" allergy pills to be allowed to drive any car, even to go take care of healthcare, school, and work things hahahaha! Funny thing is that I was clean as a kite instead of high as a kite this whole time anticipating their batshit insanity. This might be the only time...ever...that I can confidently say my urine is as pure as a baby's. I was actually HOPING to get arrested to have another awesome story from the infamous Summer of 2013- and I was actually asking to be arrested and drug tested after the lies they told police to cover their own asses last week....the day before I escaped and moved in to my new place. I begged the officer to arrest me after I "had a psychotic break" and I had apparently been "awake for ten days" and "smoked meth with friends" causing me to go crazy and move a table outside at 5am. In response to such insane, delusional behavior one of them was clearly forced to "restrain" me so hard that my left thumb bone cracked and the clear imprint of all of his ten grubby fingers was painted on my arms and wrists in beautiful greens, browns, and plums.....but yeah, duh, of course I deserved it for being so crazy. That's what my sister told me the only time I was seen after. She saw me and made a beeline to me to chastise me for disrespect to other peoples furniture and how livid my mother would be with me. I showed her how I can't move my thumb where it meets my wrist  and I showed her the beautiful perfect bruises that were already appearing.
That's what I get for being so crazy.
So I was glad for their tall tales in front of authorities and asked to be arrested instead of having to spend one more second where they could get to me, hurt me, make me feel impotent and 2 inches tall like when I was in middle school...The cop felt bad for me and gave me a ride to wherever I wanted to go, but he said he could not arrest me because I have not broken a single law, it would waste taxpayer money, and I have clean pee for once. IT IS A CURSE!!!  I feel like clean pee is much rarer than gold here in Tempe, I should sell it while it lasts!!! OMG PEE FOR SALE!!! Florence and the Machine's "shake it out" just started playing at me, I think it's a sign that I should send her some of my pee....with a note that says "Your song inspired me to send you this. I love you so much please be my best friend or wife"......   This is why I don't let myself talk to people and have no friends hahaha the crazy is strong with this one.
In conclusion, if you ask any of the 4 relatives that fucked me over and over, stressed me more each day than I have ever felt before finals, constantly criticized and insulted me the past month and a half....They will gladly and loudly tell you all about how I'm delusional, hallucinating, everything I have ever said is a lie, I'm not going to school, never acted in anything,  and I never had ANY money, and I need to be locked up in the looney bin for my own safety. The police could find nothing wrong to arrest me for though even when they looked for a fault. You want to know who else couldn't find a single thing wrong? ANY of the mental health professionals I've seen in the last 3 months. Going to therapy for a year+ has the benefit of maturity, self-awareness, and healthy coping skills! Who woulda thought?!? 
So crazy, right?
So who are you going to believe then about my life since I came back from my "vacation"?  4 ultra-Catholic Mexicans who have never lived in the United States and have never experienced the culture we take for granted, or me and police and mental health professionals from both the U.S.A. and the E.U. ?
I've got nothing to hide. Get at me. I'm safe now. I probably should NOT press "publish" on this one, but what do I know?
Haven't you heard? I'm fucking crazy. :D

**edit for style points: 

"I never said I was a role model"

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