Monday, August 19, 2013

As Promised, In the Morning pt. 1

While in Hamburg: "You're not the only one who sings how they feel...
There's a reason I can't stop watching this video..."



"Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts"

"I can't quote you Shakespeare but I do my best to make my own."
- A  

EarthScope. Social Media. Get on it!
Uhhh....I INVENTED the Gwen Stacey look!
Went to the research lab from an audition that day.

  • In Europe you ignored me, refused to speak to me on the phone, AND how many times did I ask to meet you somewhere? And why did I end up paying for our vacation yet you got to stay at the place that I arranged to stay for free while I was banished from that city because you were there and I hurt your feelings over a post on Facebook; a post which I discussed with you thoroughly in Switzerland. I wanted to MAKE DAMN SURE we were on the same page about what I meant by the word "divorce". It had nothing to do with splitting up. It was easier for immigration if we went anywhere besides Mexico. So to go ANYWHERE in the EU, including England which we could have discussed, visited, and chosen.We would divorce in the USA, then do the whoooole getting-married-again thing that I talked about. First, I didn't know if you even wanted me so I gave you the heartbreaking choice of whether you wanted me or not. That was the first day when I left you. That had nothing to do with our trip, and everything to do with the gradual change in you, especially the last two or three months in Tempe, and how shitty you treated me when you used to treat me like royalty. You treated me badly at the end. Kind of how you treat me just weren't as out in the open about it I guess and now occasionally you decide to stop ignoring me and answer a few things before you go back to ignoring the problems. The elephants in the room. 

  • Why did you stop treating me like....your wife?....or even like you would treat a girlfriend? I have never disliked your friends. I disliked how you act differently around some of it is NOT just me who sees it, a ton of people do. It's a very obvious shift in personality from "Awesome" to "Asshole". started treating your friends better than me. You started caring about them and for them and going out of your way to do nice things for your friends, acquaintances I would say at that point, than you would for me.  Remember when you talked to C about how he was being a careless idiot and was going to lose ANOTHER amazing girl? I was hoping you would listen to the words coming out of your own mouth, and maybe stop and reflect. "Hmmmm this sounds an awful lot like what I'm treating my wife like". I don't know we never talked about it because you left me in another country. I went down to breakfast so you could pack up or do whatever, then I was going to be going back up, and after we were  going to be leaving on the train that left an hour later TOGETHER, but I suggested different train compartments since you were acting so strange and seemed so distraught....confusing to me but I couldn't say much without a voice and I honestly was super happy because we were together. We were a couple. There would be no divorce for any reason because I couldn't imagine going through that even on paper. I say things all the time o facebook, mostly all jokes, purposefully misleading, lies, etc. It's fun, Faebook isn't real. Needed it to get in contact with Saskia though, and I had already messaged saskia and everything I'm pretty sure telling her when we would be there. If you were in contact with her whatsoever during that time  or before the trip, I had no idea. Then my phone locked me out, I didn't know my PUK, so even though it had not been stolen yet, I had no phone.
  •  Anyways, I figured once we talked and after our travels, if we didn't find an area where we would consider living, then we would definitely remain married so you can get the job experience and awesome life available to us at a moments notice in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for a little while. Available to YOU only because it is available to ME with dual-citizenship. You remember Puerto Vallarta...Hollywood stars retire to's a better version of Hawaii that's not an island. Although we can have an island if you want.  lololol no, not crazy, I'm just saying HYPOTHETICALLY we could have an island. Fuck that though. Beach house! My aunts friend kept bothering her recently to go see his new house on his new island and she was just so over having to go see people's islands. Hahaha. I'm super upset my dad just kept refusing to give me her phone number or I would have called her back in March when we first thought of putting the Puerto Vallarta plan into action this July. Sorry a lot of this was not explained or discussed in person whatsoever even...but man...we had just barely started talking...and no voice I was NOT talking about anything important, remember? Why do you think I haven;t left you alone? Because YOU NEVER HEARD WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BEFORE I LEFT YOU ALONE. I suggested leaving you alone. not you. You didn't ask for ANY of this. That's what I meant by THIS ISN'T A REAL DIVORCE AND I DON'T THINK ANTHONY HAS ANY IDEA WHY. Or oh did the 20-30 people who stuck their noses in to "help" just not contact you? Oh they didn't give you any of my messages? No? people suck.
  •  REMEMBER?!?! I kept writing that I did NOT want to try to discuss it until I could speak. I had no voice the days we were together. The days that were wasted. Wasted, wasted days on not our vacation. I was bleeding money and did not give two fucks yet because if it all ended with me and you happy and living on our own, alone, ANYWHERE in the world, it was worth it to me. It seemed to me like every time we talked, then went back inside, your attitude would shift and it was worse instead of better? I might just be  a crazy girl though. Insane. Lost her marbles. Haha "I lost my head...when I fell in love with you." I'm Michael Scott in female form I guess. 
  • Anyways,  point of that stupidness is that I...fell in love with you again dude. The words that came out on our anniversary shocked me, because idk I didn't realize how distant we had been...until we weren't. Until I wasn't being distant anymore. In Europe I was going mad, losing my fucking mind day in and day out because all I wanted was to talk to you, to go to wherever you were, and no one was letting me and no one was telling me why they weren't letting me.Your method for ending it was to just ignore me until I went away. Ignore problems until you don't have to pass one "uncomfortable" moment. So you were married and had not given me the courtesy to tell me you were done and completely 100% fine and "over it" by May 16. Wow. You told me in August. You already had a new 'main squeeze' and I was honestly disgusted with the way you said you were the first man she's been with. I mean that right there. You value that more than....anything. Virgin pussy  >  fame, liquor, love, drugs, marriage, family, baby, travel, life...That, or you were trying to make me jealous. I didn't tell you about all of the guys that have taken me out or come over and "spent the night", technically. We spend it outside, by the pool, conversing about love and life. I made a few amazing friends. They all know about you. They try to help me figure my shit out. I help them figure their shit out. Because every single person has something to figure out and there are a lot of lonely people in cities. I'm finding them. I'm making friends and networking and when I go to Mill I get free drinks almost everywhere now, I get to cut lines, I never pay a cover. I make my dancing attract people. I invite people out. I do dance with non-creepers and maybe flirt, because I am there for free! Mutually beneficial relationships. Symbiotic, in biology.  But you just went for it. It has to be sex=love for you or something? Is that what it is? You think sex and love are linked somehow? Snap out of THAT haha.
  • I think there's support groups for that kind of erratic, unstable behavior. Yes logical, cold, calculating behavior or words in certain situations, like this situation, are in reality very alarming behaviors...exactly when the alarm bells SHOULD be ringing for most people. Oh right most people that study this stuff. She's a lesbian, which would be awesome...if you were a female? Haha. She's the same one you went to "visit" when you cheated on me the first time in October 2008.  You were upset we broke up, I imagine. Well that you thought we broke up. That you wanted it that way. You're the first male she's engaged in sexual intercourse with and you two are going to be together forever and ever and ever and be live super happily ever after. Lol. 
  • "Just go to Berlin then", "leave" "go back to your friends in Berlin" or whatever I said exactly in Cologne...If you had explained the  whole story, the context, remember the words you said before I woke up and we started fighting and I said that....then maybe, tovsomeone looking at the situation objectively,well not anyone but SOMEONE who has succesfully maintained a relationship with a female, over many many years, they would have told you then and now that clearly if a woman says what I said after you told her what you told her, it means SHE WANTS YOU TO SAY SOMETHING TO SUGGEST YOU WANT HER WITH YOU. "I don't want to leave" or "I want you to come with me" or "please come with me" or "I will only leave if you'll see me there" or ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING besides "okay!"  My cousin barged in  before I had your answer to me telling you to "just go back to Berlin, then" She went in to tell us to go talk outside because even speaking at a normal volume in those rooms, the sound carried too much...But I saw her and I cried, and  I went in her bathroom. I ran after you when I realized you ACTUALLY LEFT ME THERE, right after we had a FIGHT... No, right in the middle of a fight!!! A piece of me died. My world...imploded some more. After that nothing makes sense to me. Remember how we had a rule that we would NEVER go to bed angry? Remember how well that worked for us  for 4.5 years of our ridiculously happy lives together, until...we went to bed angry?I'm pretty sure I immediately sent you a message which I will find if you want me to. I'm sick of finding proof for these things only to have the story changed on me and having to go find proof to support my side of ANY of it when all it is is different experiences. No right or wrong. Every person perceives the world DIFFERENTLY than any other person on the planet.  Differences are fun, not bad, and should be discussed.I sent dozens more messages...and emails... and I messaged saskia and tried texting and calling and begged everyone to call you or find out a number for me to call you at, all so I could apologize and go to you and hear your fucking voice. You ignored me. You ignored your pregnant wife. I needed help, I couldn't move around a lot and I kept falling asleep on trains. I mean every single time I got on public transport I fell asleep unless I stood the whole time haha. That was the last week there; it was intense sleeping.  When I finally asked you enough times whether you wanted to be involved with YOUR.BABY, or not, and that it was fucking FINE if you didn't believe me but to just TELL ME THAT so I could leave you alone and stop STRESSING about it, you said, "when I believe you are pregnant i will answer that question." Wow. You couldn't have pretended at least to not be THAT guy that you criticize so much? You didn't even text me back the night before at around 10-11pm when I told you something was wrong "with the pregnancy". When I got myself to Urgent Care in the am they did some tests but when they saw that yes I was pregnant and yes I was bleeding and in immense pain they made me go to the Emergency Room. I sent you a picture from the first place, from East Valley Urgent Care that said everything that was happening, and along with the picture I attached I asked "now do you believe me fucker?" Keep in mind the remaining piece of my life and soul was drying at that moment.
  •  You replied "no". That was June 6th.  I did not speak to you after that for a long time. I wonder why?!?!?!?! A few days later you were kicking me out. Telling me to get out of your house. I have the text. "Get out of my house".... I paid rent. I had nowhere to go except to the ONE PLACE ON THE FUCKING PLANET THAT MY THERAPIST HAS INSISTED I DO NOT GO BACK INSIDE OF- THE HOUSE WHERE I WATCHED MY MOTHER DIE. 
  • Don't pretend you are a better person than anyone. I say "get off your high horse" because you pretend to do things "for" me. To "make it easier". Make what easier exactly? I say I want to go on a walk and you get mad and say no, and I ask why, and you say "you can't walk". Really? Really?!? That did not concern you in Europe when I was pregnant and would get stranded and have to walk on my blistered as fuck feet. Nope, didn't matter back then. It didn't matter when I got back and had to pack what I physically could or couldn't do. I just had to do it all alone. I've had to do everything all alone since May, so when I say something I am well aware of everything my statements imply. You don't have to point out the obvious, I'm not confused. You have absolutely no right to say what is good for me, what is bad for me, what is healthy for me or what is unhealthy for me, when you have no idea what the alternatives are, how I feel, how my body feels.I'm covered in burns because I can't fucking feel it.  NOT saying I purposefully burn myself. The cigarette touches my skin. It lingers, I don't pull away in a knee-jerk reaction anymore. I'm like "oh warm la de la de da" ...4 seconds later..."oohhh that's going to leave a scar"
  • I didn't have a phone or a vehicle and I told you that always,repeated it often. I was allowed to drive for the first time July 9th. I did not get a phone until July 12 or 13th. I know it was AFTER I "stole" my dad's truck on July 10 to find a place to move into that day, then packed all my shit in the middle of the night and moved out before the men woke up and went psycho killer rage on me for "making up my own rules". You continued to ignore me and if you responded to anything it was to say I was crazy/insane/delusional or just the worst things you could think of. I didn't know we were over. I didn't know we were broken up. We did not discuss ANYTHING AT ALL until the first time we kind of hung out. I remember I asked you that day if you had a girlfriend. You laughed it off. I knew you were lying. I knew you were lying and that also it wasn't really that important to me right then. I had to try to convince you I'm not totally crazy over you, over whatever. Nutso. Not the kind of nutso my family thinks. Oh yeah and I had to make sure I cut them permanently out of my life before even telling a soul how I truly felt, and feel. I didn't know you supposedly do not love me any more and have not since the middle of May. You keep telling me and telling me and driving it into my head. That was the day it all ended for you and you threw it in the trash? You stopped loving me on May 16. 
  • You get really mad when I question how you can possibly say that or get mad if I decide to be crazy upset with you. I was right. I was right. You never ever cared or loved me, not the way I love you, if you felt nothing, absolutely nothing, after Cologne. Still today(few days ago now) you refused to look me in the face and break up with me. Look me in the eyes and tell me everything, tell my why and how our marriage is over. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me how I fucked it all up... Not looking at the light rail people but at me. So your method for ending a 5 year relationship and a MARRIAGE that yes, we both wanted to keep the last time we spoke in May. That was the last time you said anything about it to me. The wife. The other person in the 2 person marriage. Maybe 2 weeks ago, it was in August,  you sent me a message to tell me you don't love me anymore, our marriage didn't count because I cried too much last summer over my  dead mommy, and that YOU, yes, YOU wanted a divorce and were getting it. 
  • Great, so why didn't you say that...the last 3 months or believe the 100s of emails and messages where I say I love you and don't want a real divorce and that I need healthcare and you made too much? No clearly the ONE time the ONE DAY I said I wanted a divorce and that we were depressed and maybe some time apart was all we believe that instead.
  •  Something else I would love to clear up...for the world. The only reason I need to clear anything up is because you told people I one calls me a liar.
  •  March. Remember the two solid weeks when we had sex at least twice a day without any form of protection ? Yeah remember that?  Oh god trying not to think about it too hard because....fuck..hahahaha hahahahahaha
  • That was a fun  fun fun two weeks. Why did we have unprotected sex? Because it was fun, fun, fun
  • I think that's when I stopped speaking to my friends, I was having way more fun indoors...under the sheets. hahaha.
  • Then ...I got the positive pregnancy tests. Freaked. Told you from under a blanket to hide my shame/panic/ongoing heart attack, which was all written in my face. I remember how I came home from work that night to a house full of candles, the rooms flickering and lit entirely with candle light,you had your guitar out and played for me and the micro soybean and we got really excited about moving to Puerto Vallarta and being able to FINALLY live alone together in our own place without roommates...and we had amazing job opportunities and a fun fun fun life in store. You were going to really learn Spanish and when we came back to the U.S. to live (Colorado), then you would have valuable marketable skills and experience. Same with me and the dolphins. My pregnant posts on Reddit are still there for anyone to see from that time. I mean I remember every detail of that night in March, Anthony. Maybe you remember SOMETHING. I have a picture of you with Archer and the guitar. I was so happy and thanks to you I knew everything would be fine and this crazy freakout was avoided entirely.
  • "I love you more than those bitches before". I love you, that does not go away for anyone after 5 years, and when I say that that's all it means. It just means I love you. I love a lot of people and a lot of things that aren't mine. I said different things to you when you were mine that were just yours.I love you is cheap, it's public, but it's real too! ^_^ I DONT try to forget  about you by not talking about you, and guess what else darling? I know you better. We spent 5 years attached at the hip. You're way different now and you've been this way for a while. You..became  yourself again that day with the candles. I think THAT guy is still in there hiding. The one everyone who used to be your best friend remembers and the guy I was with since the day I turned 17 until SHORTLY before my 22nd birthday. I know you forgot this year but I'm 22 now. I am still your wife and I'm sure that's super thrilling for you thinking you're sneaking around? With that respectable young woman. Just don't get this one pregnant! In fact do not get anyone pregnant. There are enough kids with daddy issues and they turn into completely batshit insane crazy losers like me. see you like tomorrow probably. Or whenever you decide to answer this or whenever you decide you want it taken down. I told you, you had like 4 full days. You spent all night trying to fight me anyways so I don't understand why you preferred that. I do understand, thanks to my major, but I love to play dumb because I need to hear people tell me. I know you stopped reading because you are scared just like you were scared to see me or talk to me or go to counseling with me or alone. So, what are you scared of, crazy?
  • You already had your girlfriend , had already fucked her, coincidentally on the first day that I was at my new place. I did not ask you for help or tell you because I wanted it to look organized, pretty, beautiful the first time you saw it....fuck me right? By then you had made her your new play girl thing. She's a lesbian, the same one you went to "visit" when you cheated on me ,  you happen to be married,  annnnd  somehow you think she's better than me at taking care of herself? Lesbian fucks married man secretly (while his wife recovers from a miscarriage). Are you blind? Someone (else) is definitely getting hurt in THAT situation. Or maybe not, since no one has feelings here, right? She's so great at life, so Is that why she lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in Arizona? Lol. I always liked the middle of buttfuck nowhere towns and you insisted you needed your "culture" so you didn't want to move to northern az when I suggested it. I was no longer suggesting it, but do you remember my "ToDo" lists that said "BEARS" and "Remember bears!" and stuff? Yeah...there are a few places I was applying to work at, and one was an internship...all in northern start now, this fall....WITH FUCKING BEARS!!!! I was so excited but you KNOW I don't like to say every time I apply to something or audition for something, because then I have to let people down when I don't get that job or this gig or the NASA internship...oh wait...  :P
  • ALL GOOD THINGS I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IN APRIL. And in May. Totally irrelevant now that I am not planning my life around your needs and  wants.  You will be happy working in a warehouse until that job falls through and you go to the next warehouse as some bitch slut's novelty/science project right?  No I am not ridiculing you. If you have a better plan I would love to hear it. That's why I's okay to say "I don't want to talk about it" but you don't say that ever. Oh yeah, she's a Bitch,  capital B, because she has to be in order to put her own sexual pleasure before the LIVES and EMOTIONS of other, very real human beings. I mean seriously. Saying "no" is NOT that hard. Go to Mill, say "fuck me," and someone will surely oblige, honey! No need to go fucking married men, although it was probably because it was all forbidden. Only it wasn't forbidden honey. It was encouraged by me. So, since I encouraged it... why did I turn down my guys for good ol' sex this whole time? Why not take advantage of our breakup thing? I did not want to complicate things, I did not want to confuse myself, I thought after 5 years maybe you should get a few months, and I'm not a filthy whore, or a slut, or a cheater. Then honestly once I found out...I realized well shit. I really am still in love because I...physically, literally, mentally...can't be with anyone else. GREEEAAAAT. Way to go, Luna!   -__-    I was bettering myself. I worked through stuff. Then. This. You had a good life...people liked you...because you were responsible and a hard worker and you were witty and hilarious and ambitious and driven and excited about life and social and just generally a happy and optimistic person/like me/. Then you/we started spending...100 a week on drugs. I was spending some money on weed too...but in my life I spent...a small fraction of the total. More like you/we spent $600per month on DRUGS, give or take a few hundred. In 2 days I spent with you recently, I watched you spend like $100 the one day, and I know it was at least $160 for the first things, right? Or was it more, I mean did you drug more of your girlfriends to have sex with you then, too? Oh, and you're unemployed?!? Where is this fiscal responsibility you always preach about?  But you had the balls to tell ME that I can't budget? Hahaha please. It's super funny, because I had 10K in the bank for our move (whether it was to CO, Mexico, Germany, Australia, whereeeever), a 2008 Prius that was always paid off,  AND my degree is almost complete...well I have like 3 that are almost complete, but I will graduate with a degree that I was paid 20K+ per year to earn. My Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Biological Sciences....already earned my over 85K since I started school 4 years ago. All on my own. Last time I checked no one does my work for me and no one applies to hundreds of scholarships and internships for me. So, not only was my education education paid my rent and bills and gas and stuff for 4 years. That's why I paid rent in 6 month increments.  That left me with enough time to focus on passing these monstrous classes, maintain above a 3.5GPA,  AND to work on networking. Nothing gets done if you don't network. I wouldn't get into grad school if I didn't have a network. I wouldn't get into the best grad schools if it wasn't for my 2+years in Dr. N's drug addiction research lab....and for my year working with the most incredible mentor at...that one internship...what was it called...hmmm...something about space,  maybe earth was involved and like some rocks. and fossils and was the national aeronautical something something....I did the social media for EarthScope  as part of it, and I got to do.... tons of cool shit I'm not about to tell you now. I tell people I played with fossils. True, I certainly  got to play with fossils. That's not all!!!  I also made  lots of coffee... ;)
    I was getting a little bored looking at the same amethyst every day

Tell me one time you have apologized for anything. One time you have said "I love you" including in Europe. The whole time. From landing. One time you said to me "I dont want you to leave" or "I dont want to leave you" or "please don't go"
"don't go"
"don't' leave me
don't file for divorce (notice I didn't file...)
don't get on the plane
don't get on that other plane
don't gp away without a kiss goodbye
don't be scared
don't be worried
don't be so terrified
don't be so sure
don't be so sad
don't talk to me
don't look at me
don't remember me

Oh? Right. You never said any of that. I didn't say any of that either.

You never said the word "DON'T" until last week. 
It helped tremendously. I don't.
But then? You promised me you would come back. In an hour, You did! You made me promise you I woukld stay here. I did. I stayed and put on makeup and better clothes.  You promised me you would return, that you would stay here and help me in the simplest way, by being in my presence for 20-30 minutes. Hanging out. Going on a walk. Calming. Down.
Returning to normal.
 Instead you came back, left shit at my door, and text me after. 

I told you so

But. There is more to both sides of the story. There are always two sides. Clearly I fucked up A LOT too. It was not our fault. It was not your fault. It was not my fault.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry,

Sometimes love is not enough, 

and the road gets tough I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get highThe road is long, we carry onTry to have fun in the meantime
-Born to Die

Rats! Cocaine time!


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