Thursday, September 26, 2013

Hide and Seek

"Trains and Sewing Machines..."

Dear Taylor Swift

Yo...I'm writing this because you're songs helped me get back to feeling 22 again! WOOOP!

Let's hang out and stuff. We can maybe dress up like hipsters. Make fun of our...nevermind, this is public and also not a song. :P
Sometimes (i.e. like every other night) I sing your songs suuuuuper loud and off-key at parks until sunrise, then I 'walk of shame' home.  It's seriously the most fun.
Also? If something as silly and ridiculous as a blog post letter were to magically work... I love you. Totally platonic. Not awkward. I hear Nashville is lovely! S'go.


Whine Time

It's okay, I only whine on days that end in "y". 

Don't read this, it's embarrassing. I suck at proofreading, too, and I just typed this monster out on a touch screen. You know what that means! 
It means I will review this in a little while and fix some stuff...most likely.

So, here's a well-kept secret! I complain a lot on social media. Mainly on Facebook. 
I have another secret which is that I lied because the previous secret wasn't really a secret. Haha now we're all confused. I never just...make shit up. When I "lie" it's usually to try to make a joke like just now. I'm usually the only one laughing though and I have people thinking that there really is jizz and blood all over my apartment or something. Lmfao. 
(To let the rest of you in on an inside joke,  my friend and I composed a break-up text that said: "Blood everywhere. Jizz everywhere. Throwin' away my phone!" She then sent me that text...)
The lie I  always tell is: "I'm fine."
When I called myself a liar... THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. I'm pretty open about almost anything else if you ask me whatever question is on your mind. 
I've always told that lie. Sometimes I believe myself. Sometimes I am shocked or hurt or angry that my friends believe me when I say "I'm fine."
If I get myself to believe it though, I honestly place zero blame on them. Zero. 
Anyways after I offhandedly called myself a liar, EVERYONE started calling me a liar but also not asking me to clarify anything and not letting me in on whatever their issue is/was. Suddenly randoms were all like, "hey person I just met,  you should put ALL your cards on the table and tell every intimate detail about yourself while I put absolutely none of my cards on the table." I took that as a challenge. I went home. Took inventory of the skeletons in my closet, dragged them aaaallllll OUT of my closet and uploaded them to the internet. That's just me. I do not recommend this route, but in my situation with the amount of people, (mis)translations and gossip involved, I am glad I did it. 
 So once I displayed my secret closet skeletons "proudly"(hardest, most shame-inducing, humbling moment of my existence)... People were even more scared of me. Fuck! I promise I don't bite...
So I complain to the internet. If someone does not wish to read my complaints I seriously will not be offended if you delete or block me. I promise I will NOT be melodramatic and extend that to the real world and let it affect or end our real-life relationship. There's always e-mail. I check that all the time. I reply. I won't send you my Facebook posts or Tweets via email if you delete me, I swear. Unless I'm reeeaaally funny one day or something. Then I might. Just once. :P

I figure, what else is Facebook for? If you are appalled, offended, or revolted by real people sharing their actual thoughts/emotions... then why are you even trying to stay connected with anyone? or with so many people? The following examples are fictional. I can make stuff up, and I label them "STORIEZ", "script idea", "screenplay!", "my fantasy novel I will never finish", my kind-of-fiction young adult novel about me and my friends called Behind Closed Doors", or just "here's a story!"... Haha's my rant:

People whine about shit like television or how they had to walk a block to class and "omgz it's so hot" or how their 99cent flip flop broke. I mean yeah it sucks and all and it honestly makes me happy to know that somewhere, someday, when I'm some other person I might be able to have problems like those instead, buuut I'm also sure someone will let the person with a broken flippy floppy have some tape while they sort themselves out. I delete people kind of way too liberally but it's because I don't want to have to hide anyone from my feed. If you're on there I want to know what is actually going on in your life. If one of my friends feels like they have no one, I hope they do try to utilize social media, the internet, and strangers to try to help themselves before shit gets worse. Facebook has tipped me off to a fair share of... Serious issues with people I love more than life itself. The answers followed two similar veins when asked "why didn't you come to me sooner/at all/etc".
 It seemed to either be "I tried"...which was true once I thought about it, and then I felt like an asshole/guilt forever/terrible human being... 
OR it was "I was done. I thought no one cared".
I cared though. They never would have known if they had never said anything. 
 Social media connects people in unexpected ways. I say I hate people but I really don't. All my melodramatic real statuses helped me find hope in humanity at various points in time, and it showed me what the kindness of strangers can do. If I never posted a melodramatic status I would probably still be turning to drugs instead of people. I would not be trying to deal with my issues and demons. I would still be avoiding them. When you have absolutely no one left rooting for you and absolutely no one but your mental self to be accountable to.... Your motivations change. It becomes about simple survival. I am pretty sure I didn't actually have thoughts of killing myself July...was because when people turned me away I turned to drugs. I'm not sure what came first. The thoughts or the drugs. I only "did drugs" for a few weeks. Remember, our definition of "drugs" might be radically different. Don't assume the worst. Don't assume anything. Wanna know, just ask me!
Anyways... I most definitely AM NOT advocating this route. I had an extreme reaction to the most extreme series of events.
*Spark notes- mom died, unresolved childhood issues, disastrous vacation that led somehow to divorce, my flying off the handle and losing my friends because I had a moment of weakness and trusted...some other people for two seconds and believed some gossip they told me (hint: they are very sexist and tried to like...lock me up abroad even though the shrinks were like..."she's fine"...cause I was back then haha). SO, lost my mom (my best friend) to cancer, then lost the love of my life, then lost all of the family I knew, I somehow even lost the family I did not know that well, AND I pushed my friends and the people who were just trying to help me far, far, away. Some too far. Some other stuff happened that makes me too sad to discuss, even on the internet. Now we're all caught up. *

Continuing on...
It feels like... Drugs were a crutch clearly, but... They just prolonged the suffering. It helped me avoid life, problems, and demons for a little while. It numbed the overwhelming "just fucking shoot me now" emotions I was bombarded with. But... Now I have to deal. 

Let me rephrase. I don't HAVE to do anything. I don't owe my life to anyone. However, I choose to try because I choose to not cause more headaches and frustration for anyone left who might still care. I don't want to be a sad I won't be. That simple statement..."I don't want to be a sad book" has taken so much effort to feel. I did not give a shit before about what happened to me anymore. 
Mental problems. Really! Isn't depression fun?
Anyways, I don't want to be a Shakespearean tragedy. I would rather be a Shakespearean comedy to be honest. Tragic comedy? Nah.
Or a romance? A romcom? A dramedy? A COMEDY OF ERRORS!  Haha getting carried away. Sorry! 
Anyways, if I want to hang out in real life I assure you, I absolutely do not want to talk about myself or sad shit. That's what the internet is for. I am begging to be distracted. I am begging to just go have some fun. People insist on bringing all of my shit back up to me, and usually not even the real stuff I post but stupid rumors they hear. So... Don't do that? You can express concerns. But don't "hang out", throw stuff in my face about myself and then leave me when you get your gossip or whatever meter satiated. I want to, no I need to, hear about you guys. I want to just let you talk. I want to fawn over my friends. I want to hear that somebody else's life is better. Give me something to strive for, people! Hehe <3
I have been posting a lot of sad, melodramatic crap. It's all real. It's my fucking life. I would gladly post about anyyyyyything else. I happen to be my only source material at the moment though... When that changes, maybe my mood will also start to change, and maybe you won't have sad, melodramatic shit clogging up your newsfeed. You'll still have tons of shit from me probably but it will maybe be funnier to everyone else. I think my sarcasm and self-deprecating comments are hilarious but most people just think I'm a bitch. That's okay. Let's hang out.


To leave you happier, maybe, just know there's some cool shit happening right now too. Some exciting shit I hope. Basically, I have some hope back for the first time in months. Hope is all it is until I do something more productive with it. BRB, working on it. ;)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Stumbled Upon This Gem

Just found this in my daily LDR Youtube "research". I like it.

I thought I had been clear before, but as it turns out I was not really being clear about most things. Or clear about anything at all haha. I'm...really sorry about that. It happens, I guess. I am feeling particularly "sunshiney" though. I heard a lot of funny jokes last night and I accidentally got to see the sunrise this morning, so I'm officially back on track with my ambition to see the sunrise every morning. 
I want to say thank you. I need you to believe me. Thank you, and you, and you, and you guys over there, too. 
I am nothing without you. I hope you aaalllll know that, and know that I absolutely have always felt that way and agree with that statement. I know, I know, I've been all "I'm miss independent, I'm such a cool person" and "::bitch bitch bitch bitch:: I hate people ::bitch bitch bitch moan::" and "weeee look at me, I'm a bird!" Aside from the latter of the three statements, I didn't mean that and I thought maybe that was suuuuper obvious. It was to me. I'm sorry I haven't openly been more grateful. Believe me, I am. I know without other people I wouldn't be here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry for testing your patience. I'm still pretty arrogant, but I think that comes with being a (Mexican)American. I'm proud of where I come from. I'm ridiculously optimistic about where I am going (thanks to my ridiculously ambitious and fantastic friends and relatives). I wouldn't have the opportunities that I have or maybe the specific strengths and weaknesses that make me me if all the shit hadn't happened. ALL of the shit. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. At the end of the day, I may not like most people...but I certainly love them.
Oh, and I love love. Now that I think about.... I guess I'm a cliche for being a huge advocate of "freedom, beauty, truth, and love". That's from my favorite movie, Moulin Rouge. If you haven't watched it yet, maybe you should....  ;)

P.S!!! Also in my LDR research I finally experienced the song "Bel-Air". I mean I've heard them all before, but that's sooo not what I mean.  I mean I was singing along to Bel-Air when I wondered:
So...would it be awkward if I just showed up in Bel Air and asked to see her? "What do you mean restraining order?!? But but but WHO ELSE IS THAT SONG FOR?!?" lmfao

It's All Pumpkins and Triangles

I feel like my strange shower merits it's own post. So. I took a shower. It was strange. I reached a decision! Indecision 2013 can now turn into....Decision 2013 and probably a lot of Shady Decisions 2014. WORTH IT!


So...I can always come back to school.....But I'm wasting time on Twitter anyways, so what I really want to do is perform. I'm good at being embarrassing embarrassed. I fucking love it!

I know I'm all dark and twisty (for the most part) BUT the good news is that I've been going back to the basics. What are the basics? Well I don't want to say too much...but back in the day, they used to call me "Giggles". I know. So lame!!!

Also? I am soooo not a [ ]    
∆ are my favorite shape.
Lately my favorite color is red, but it kind of changes with the seasons. One thing that has never changed? My love for pumpkin spice lattes. I need one, like, now.

IN CONCLUSION, after I arm myself with all things pumpkin....

"YOU WIN! Lmfao today I vow to figure out how to navigate the damn SAG website. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO but because I secretly love you guys."

Party in the USA?

Trustworthy Animals

Animals I Do Not Trust:

  • Dogs: They're too happy! They're always like "OMG I'm a dog I'm a dog I'm so happy to see you...I'm a dog! BARK BARK"
  • Cats: Need I say more? They murder for fun. My cat makes me take her on walks then she finds the one patch of dirt on the cement and rolls around in it. She always looks shady as...a palm tree.

Animals I Trust:
  • Sloths: Why, you ask? Well...have you seen pictures of baby sloths? Also, I heard they only urinate once a week so they're pretty low maintenance. They look happy but they aren't like throwing it in your faces, like hyenas.
  • Hyenas. They're going to eat your little lion cub babies and they just laugh about it! They're cool, just don't bring your lion cub babies when you socialize with hyenas. 
  • Pusheen

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

History Repeats...sort of

May 2012- Thought it would be the best ever. Some of it was Heaven
::Devastation Ensues::
June and July 2012- probably not that bad to an outsider. Mentally? Limbo.
August 2012- Addiction. The worst kind. Could have died. Didn't. Hell.
September 2012- Not the bestest. Seeing the light. 
October 2012- Some amazing moments I think. 

I can dream. I can be kind of optimistic. It's hard, all things considered. I was fine last year...


"Stranger things have happened."
I love music. You might say I'm addicted for life. 

"Off to the Races"

I did not make or take part in any of the videos or songs or direct quotes on my blog. Haha sorry. Copyright infringement not intended! They belong to whoever the artist is and whoever made the videos and music and wrote the words...all that fun behind the scenes. I always said the people onscreen have the easiest jobs (my opinion). Thats's why I want an actor...

Silly me. :P

A$AP Rocky & Lana Del Rey - Ridin'

Lmfao. You know me... ∆∆∆

 Hahahahaa <3

Since We're All Eventually Dying- don't read this.

Conversation Pieces- My New Segment

I decided to start just posting up conversations I have with people loosely tied to my past if I happen to luck out and have one! Everyone seems to have a lot to say but no one wants to have a conversation. I figure this way it's almost like you're part of a conversation with me but you don't have to come near me. Also, I'm done being quiet and crazy. I'm going through some shit. I feel like exploding. I don't want to explode. I am out of shit to do and sometimes talking helps. Having something [or a lot of somethings] to say to a lot of people and not being able to say it, or being laughed at, or mocked, or just flat out told "you're wrong, go away" before the conversation starts...that feeling sucks Yes, I deserve it. Yes, I brought this on myself. I'm not doing anything for pity. I'm doing it because I would like to continue being alive, life is funny, fun, magical sometimes. It is reeeaaalllyyyyyy hard for me to remember what that's like. I have my moments. Like tonight. I giggled a lot tonight. People told jokes on the internet and it made me laugh, like actually laugh, for the first time in weeks. It was magical. I can't wait to do it again. 

If you find offense to this post just let me know. Everyone knows my number and my email address. They have not changed since June. Gmail, not icloud.

Anonymous Superhero

I definitely wasn't going to blame you for that mess at all. I don't really know what happened to make these people turn on you so hard, I don't think you would deserve it either way. Also feel free to unload whenever you need to, seriously, I love being able to help my friends. I may be sleeping or something but I will always get back to you, you have my number so you can totally text too

Luna Fahl
Yeah I had an angry outburst [on Facebook] when I was lost, alone, terrified, had been MUGGED in another country, didn't have my voice and was about to lose the love of my life. Ever since then I haven't really gotten the chance to speak to A and the others just look the other way in public/pretend I don't exist. Ive been too busy deciding whether to live or die, how could i have had the motivation or willpower to [think about let alone] talk shit about the vast majority of them? [Even then...I haven't had a single person around me to talk shit about anyone else to...][Oh, and] Thank you!!! You're awesome! And honestly at this point I think it is mob mentality and they are too scared to admit that FOR ONCE maybe they were wrong. J and C are a bad combo with A. I just. Ugh. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I haven't been allowed to speak. I haven't received any explanation or words or fucking ANYTHING. I hung out with A a few times before, and the second to last time we did shrooms together and I had the most horrible shroom freak out/panic attack which escalated past the point of no return when J walked out to the backyard to just stand there, judging, while A and i were currently experiencing a tense moment. So it escalated. Since J got involved, what could have been absolutely nothing besides a walk around the neighborhood for me got blown out of proportion into whatever this is. J tells everyone I'm batshit psycho based off the ten minutes he spent near me while I was on fucking shrooms with my husband who already had his rebound at the time. Fun.
Anonymous Superhero

Well you know with A, J, and C- they really lack the ability to think as autonomous people and just agree with the other no matter what. When people hear rumors they take it as truth. I felt so bad when I heard all of what was happening and the aftermath as well because I knew I really only got one side. Those 3 especially are a toxic combo.
Luna Fahl

And I'm not even mad at A [and I do not blame him for any of this...well most of this, I just so don't care about being angry with anyone, least of all him]. Maybe I should be, but I'm not [and] I do not consider the rebound and the shrooms thing cheating on me because we had, privately, already discussed these things. [We were broken up]. I don't understand all the lying and hiding the entire truth from me from the start, though, on everyone's part [and I was livid about the reaction to my panic attack. way over it by now.] I just want to forget everything and everyone and have one god damned conversation with him or I'm going to explode. I obviously would have already moved away if I could and maybe I wouldn't be this depressed right now. Maybe I would have my shit together but since this is the series of events that did occur, I don't have my shit together. This is not a ploy to get him back. This is not shit talking. I'm not blaming or accusing him of anything. If you are a male, female, or unsure, and you think I might be talking about you or accusing you of some crime, speak up, nobody has said anything to me so I have no idea if or why anyone is pissed. There are a lot of things that need to be discussed. Otherwise I guess he doesn't want a divorce because the deadline for a bunch of paperwork is october. Then legally I "get my way" but no one wins because the status of the piece of paper is no longer relevant. Fuck. That's not even what this is about anymore sadly.

Anonymous Superhero

If you can't even hash things out in an attempt at closure then that is even more messed up, like, why wouldn't he want that? Wrapping up loose ends and shit

*NINJAEDIT*- this is the most I have said about this to anyone about this subject and now I am making it public because I don't want to leave any loose ends. 
Do I want to still be married? Absolutely.
Do I wish like a little annoying girl that we could fall in love again and just fucking forget the bullshit and be together? Absolutely.
Do I believe that's going to happen? No. My life is not a fairy tale. Choose a

      Heaven in Your Eyes

       I just tried to play it safe and go to sleep and I was rewarded with a nightmare. Nightmare might be the wrong word here. It was a dream that was too good to be true and I woke myself out of it because IN MY DREAM I said "this isn't happening"...and it wasn't. What. The. Fuck. Hahaha #inception. Just kidding. life.  Now I'm scared of sleep again but I want it so badly.Anyways, here is the video that got me hooked on this woman. 

      Sunday, September 22, 2013

      To Whom My Anger is Directed At

      Since my family #1 stopped all contact with me months ago when I did the most offensive thing in the world and moved out of their fancy schmansy house and into my own apartment, maybe one or two of them occasionally peruse my blog and they can get the answer to the question that they had in August. 

      I decided that no, I am not going to be attending ASU this semester, considering it's already kind of too late. That's not why I am not attending, however.

      I could say I'm just lazy. Everyone knows how much I just loathe school, right?
      Wrong. I want to be a student forever so I don't have to join the real world. That's besides the point, though.
      I will say that I am not finishing school until I can afford to do so on my own. I don't want daddy's help paying for school. Fuck. No. Then I owe the entire family something. I share, I like to share, I love sharing with my friends and family. Remember my previous blog post about how blood does not make you family. Actually giving a fuck makes you family. That does not mean "family is whoever gives a fuck right now". Nope! Sorry. It means "people who have always given a fuck, when times are fantastic and when times suck."
      The handful of times I have accepted monetary help or just accepted gifts from family #1  (occasionally for my birthday or various silly achievements that totally aren't impressive to anyone)...well those times I would have been better off, much, much, much better off saying "No, thank you." It gets thrown in my face. People feel like they are allowed to give me a curfew, tell me what to eat, tell me what to feel, tell me what to say, how to act, who to be friends with, who to date, who to fall in love with, what career path to follow, what goals, dreams, and aspirations I must have 'or else'. Fuck that. 
      Every time I turned down a grain of rice from these people, it was seen as offensive and insulting and became an entire family soap opera. The times I do accept the grains of rice, enchiladas, birthday cash, or exactly one laptop, I am 'under control'. Their control. Once again, fuck that.  

      This is not me saying I hate family. I don't hate anyone. Well... just kidding, I do, but it's okay because those people are who this post is about. That does not mean I hate my entire family and everyone they know and mutual friends or acquaintances. It does not mean anything to anyone besides 4 people. Here's a hint- they aren't from Arizona. If you're from Arizona, you're in the clear. If you're from Mexico, chances are that you're in the clear as well. If you have never called me a pathetic piece of shit, selfish disappointment to humanity, and if you have never defiled my mother's memory in front of me (or taken pictures of her dead body....umm....that happened, even though she wanted no one to even view her body)...then you're in the clear.

      I love family, family is all I want in life because it's not something you can buy. It's not something that comes easily. It's not something that is easily kept, at least not in my case. Family #1 and Family#2.
      I chose Family #2 before and I have chosen them again like a hundred times. You can't change your past, and I am thankful for whatever fun and/or fucked up experiences made me stronger...not saying it all made me stronger. Some things made me weaker, but I'm still here. I'm not the only person on earth to have these experiences. I'm not the only person on earth who feels the way I feel about various people, places, things, events, ideas... 

      In conclusion, I refuse to take any of your money to pay for school because I do not want you to take credit for my success. I want the people who actually contributed and will contribute to my success to get the credit. And me, I want some or most of the credit too. Yes, I got paid to go to school. No, I'm not rich. I'm a broke-ass-bitch, like most college students. I put my money into assets which I may be able to sell or trade when I need cash. I say assets as if I actually have any. I don't. I had my car...that's gone. Sold. Then my dad subtracted from that money some money which he had previously given to me as a gift. He then later gave me the difference when I needed to feed myself and had begged for enough months that I wanted to see a doctor and that I wanted to go back to counseling. Oops, sorry, I'm getting out of control again. Kill me. Or sue me. Whatever floats your boat. 

      Once again, THIS POST and my anger is intended for a tiny group of individuals. About 4 people, I would say. If you happen to have a same last name as any of them, my anger and this post is NOT meant for you so please stop adding to the madness by getting offended and insulted. I mean, you have a right to feel how you feel just keep it to the 100 or so people that are in the family. OR maybe be mature and bring it directly to me. You won't though. 

      You won't do it because you're scared.

      Septembertime Sadness...Sunday!

      Contrary to popular belief, I enjoy not having a cellphone....People can be super annoying and mean and make things worse most of the time. Friends are stubborn as shit and get through to me anyways, so I don't need a phone. I don't, however, enjoy not having a music player. I may not be the greatest company for myself, but I assure you that my imaginary musical friends (Lana, Taylor, Ellie, Florence, Katy, name a few)  are all wonderful company and I like having music playing 24/7. Sometimes I can't have music playing and I throw a fit/get super depressed. 
      I'm working on it. 

      Sorry FaceTime does the mirroring thing... ;)

      Saturday, September 21, 2013

      Well This is Awkward

      Animals, Humans, and....Machines? 
      There isn't like a theme or anything. That'd be weird.
      Yeah....I love you guys.*

      *Ninja edit for people still talking like a pirate:* Aye <3 yew guyz (most nights) too. 

      "It's Okay"

      "It's okay to not be perfect"
      "Uhhh who thinks I'm perfect? All I do is fuck up."
      "Yeah well you obviously think you're perfect and it's pissing everyone off so stop."
      ::fucks up enormously::
      "Sorry.Again. and Again. and AGAIN. Should I just leave so you can stop yelling at me?"

      ....this is what I'm dealing with. But I digress, from your life. Sorry. Don't read this. It's embarrassing most of the time.

      Friday, September 20, 2013

      Since this *is* my blog...

      Animals and Humans

      One More! Remember White Houses?

      If you're reading this....raise your hands if you remember White Houses? I know the trio should remember it...I know it's almost that day when we usually bake the flower cookies....elongated, not-round cookies. We're so...classy. I know. I miss you 3, sorry I blocked you and then forgot most of my passwords because I changed them so often...haha you know me! Listen to the song....then this will probably make you go listen to all of our other songs and cry or laugh or both.

      On a Lighter Note

      Sorry if I worry anyone with my angry outbursts and all that.... Sorry!
      Really though, I spend a lot of time laughing at funny videos or people, sometimes at serious videos or people. Life is funny. Just remember that life is funny, and you will hopefully be okay.

      Wednesday, September 18, 2013

      Wacky (sound)Wave Wednesday

      My Favorite Ellie Goulding Song of 2012

      because I already gave you 2013's. ^__^ 

      People I Do Not Trust

      A.K.A. People I Love to Play Along With

      Part 1

      • People in uniform. Why? The Nazi's wore uniforms and got away with murder. Also? I wear uniforms to get away with pranks and to seem more important than I am.
      • People  STRANGERS who tell me to stop lying. lmfao. To me that translates to: lie through your teeth ASAP.
      • People (loved ones, acquaintances, strangers, and people in uniform) who tell me exactly what I want to hear. That means they aren't telling the whole truth.
      • People who listen. Only listen. WTF? Red flags!
      • At this point in my fucked-up-edness, basically, I don't trust anybody. That means I don't trust you, I don't trust her, I don't trust them, I don't trust You, or YOU, or you....
      • but I do trust myself. Maybe you shouldn't trust yourself, you say? Well then I say: Fuck you.

      ninjaedit- Say the phrase "we/I/he/she/yourmom want what's best for you"...Fuck off, pretty please? I only say this because I want what's best for you and if you remain in my general area after you say that phrase and I say "Fuck off"...well then...I'm sorry in advance for my explosion of anger that I am about to word vomit all over you. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings....I give a warning, sort of. Maybe that's not the best way to warn someone to get the fuck away from me and let me cool off, but it's all I've got now that my patience with locals is running very low. Yes, I am a local too. Yes, I am impatient with myself most of all. That doesn't excuse me, that doesn't excuse you. It just is what it is and let's make the most of it while I whine about it yet remain secretly hopeful. If my tragic optimism, childlike...personality...and hyperboles are a problem, take it to someone who cares less. 

      Tuesday, September 17, 2013

      Quick Copy-Paste

       Food For Thought

      Ummm I sound super harsh, by the way, but I am TRYING to say I accept these "flaws". I accept being young and foolish and making bad decisions. That's how people grow. I don't love anyone who is perfect. I love you, perceived flaws and all. When I love someone, they are pretty much perfect in my eyes. This applies to friends, family, and lover. I am the MOST flawed person I know, I make the most horrendous mistakes, I make assumptions, I often lie, I fall down A LOT, I usually look like crap, I play with fire AND *I get burned*. That means I am no expert in fire-ology.

      Monday, September 16, 2013

      I Sing the Body Electric pt.2

      Oh right. Here's a link to the song so ya'll aren't too lazy to listen to. Remember it is also a poem. Remember how we used to analyze the crap out of poetry in AP English? Surprisingly my favorite poem came from middle school when we read The Outsiders and analyzed the poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost. I remember I read Lord of the Rings on my own that year too and always talked with the teachers...not because I wanted to be speaking with teachers all the time like a giant nerd, but because they were the only other people who had read the damn books. ^_^

      I Sing The Body Electric

      So.....I was writing another post and in my 'research' I was reading the lyrics and comparing them to the poem of the same title, "I Sing the Body Electric"
      But for now....I just cried happy tears for the first time in a long time. Even if it isn't in the way I expected...I know someone loves me and kind of a lot? Someone knows me better than I know me? Friendship? 

      Hello heaven. 
      Here is the song lyrics page. Clicking on the lyric sections gives you an explanation of what someone thinks it is actually referring to/means. Thzen I saw interpretation dealies for her other songs...That's how I know someone loves fiercely Lana  Luna is defended from haters 
       Walt Whitman poem:

      I Sing the Body Electric

      Wednesday, September 11, 2013

      Lana Del Rey - Live - Heart Shaped Box - Hamburg - 6. April 2013

      Really, life? So there's Lana del Rey, singing Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana...IN HAMBURG FUCKING GERMANY!!! :D
      I'm so stoked. soon as I can haha F this S! I knew I should have stayed... or in this case I guess I need a time machine, but still. I could have caught her somewhere else.
      Haha good thing I got my plane ticket before I was a broke ass bitch.   ;)

      Okay gonna go obsess some more.... WE WERE IN THE SAME PLACE!!! I was empty that day...and sunny and I was PISSED because I couldn't do ANYTHING because I was limited by a man. Haha. God. Listen to me. My family is full of raging feminists apparently and we didn't even know it until my trip.

      Tuesday, September 10, 2013

      Summertime Sadness 2.0

      I just realized that when I first posted Summertime Sadness I did NOT post a remix AND I don't think there were any better videos out yet... Or I was just being a huge YouTube no0b. This is better. It makes more sense why I think of this as the best song ever. I have a few different remixes I really love. Please send me any good ones you find, of any song by her! That's what makes her music so much more fun, and why I have not grown tired of any of it. There are are so many remixes available for my ears to orgasm to...and for my body to rave dance to. 

      She's SO Ridiculous

      and that's part of what makes her SO fantastic!
      I love Katy Perry. I want to be best Friends with her.
      Friends...with a capital F...  (someone get this reference, please!) 
      She also has a cat named Kitty Purry...  

      Sunday, September 8, 2013

      Wednesday, September 4, 2013

      Dizzying, Dazzling, and Tragically Beautiful

      The poem in my previous post corresponds to the song 'Ride'. The Vevo video is ten minutes long so I didn't want to post it, but the opening includes the poem. In case you are unfamiliar, new to my life and unhealthy obsessions, or too cool to care about strangers lives, I can fill you in! She became known after her Video Games video went viral on the ole 'tube.  Obviously she's the singer and songwriter, but she does something else. Something unique. She makes these beautiful videos.... Beautiful, haunting, enchanting, ethereal, melancholy..there's a beauty in the sadness. I think sadness might be the wrong word, too. Forgive me for sucking at words sometimes, English isn't my first language.) It needs to be a more dramatic word...
      When I watch films and I know what fate eventually befell the great actors in the scenes...well, it's almost....I can't describe the feeling and hopefully I'm not alone and someone can help me out to expand my lexicon. It's like the feeling I get when I'm laughing and crying at the same time. The feeling I get when I accept the absurdity of life. The feeling I get when I watch the sunrise by myself. There is so much beauty around us, so many touching moments in the natural world that we may catch glimpses of, every sunrise will look different and so will every sunset. The clouds, the trees, you, will never be in quite the same position, the light won't refract in quite the same ways, the color combinations wont be quite the same... Beautiful but fleeting. Shining then gone. lost its magic in biology. The mystery, the wonderment, the curiosity...was largely extinguished and although I absolutely love learning and retain information, I don't think it was worth losing my joi de vivre.

      It's like looking at lightning in the rain...There's a beauty in the chaos.
       I learned that I appreciate beauty, and I don't mean that in the shallow, put-on-makeup, posed portrait type of way. I like behind the scenes. There is a reason I love candid photos. I don't feel as if a posed-picture event is even real. We can always put on make up and dresses and fake smile until our cheeks hurt and get some pretty pictures. A beautiful picture captures the ephemeral.   My favorite movies, my favorite songs, my favorite pictures, my favorite novels, and my favorite people all make me cry. I cry when I am happy enough to marvel at the beautiful tragedy that the moment will have to end eventually and that I absolutely need to memorize it. It's like I know I will need those memories to sustain me someday. Without those memories I would be dead by now. I am able to transport myself to another time and place and smell and feel and hear and see whatever...I can do this when I'm awake so there's a reason I resist going to sleep so fiercely. My dreams. They're too real, too good, too happy, and my mind makes up new scenes that never happened and they feel so real, so when I wake up I actually do have a few seconds before that feeling in my stomach returns and I want to roll over and die. This is why the sharpest objects allowed near my bed claws? Archer takes the task of not letting me roll over and stab myself to death with his paws very seriously. Too seriously. I end up yelling obscenities at him, typically ending with "STOP TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH ME YOU FREAK"....I'm...normal....

      Having to remember so many changes, so many losses, and deal with all of it all over again whenever I get out of bed....that's why I loathe going to sleep. I was like this after Austin, too. I was...very alone. It was the darkest time in my 16 year-old life. There was a day in December that I stopped being a vegetarian...until...well for a long time, maybe...up to this day, I experienced the worst night of my existence. The most damaging, the far-reaching impact of that night still send aftershocks through my system completely unexpectedly and with such a force...although now I know that I was destined for at least 2 worse nights...maybe more. The night my mother died is one. Worse still was the night I realized I would not be shopping for pink or blue any time soon, which was also the moment I knew that I really did lose my husband. My darling. My babe. My honey. My dear. My love. My babe-o. My safe place. My home. I knew then that it was my fault. I blame(d) myself for soybean. I...needed my home more than ever to cope.  I knocked on all the doors I knew and there was simply no answer. 
      So I mourned the only reason I had to make a new home for myself...and all the reasons I had to want to be a good person. I fully expected that once people met soybean, they would love her as much as I already did and they would understand why things like distance seemed so silly to me, and why environment and work-from-home job opportunities were so high on my list. I thought how Soybean's first years and my early 20s would be fleeting. There, then gone forever. I didn't want to blink and miss them. I didn't want to spend time arguing with people or even speaking to anyone. I knew that I needed to be present. I bonded. I felt. I changed. I was excited...and terrified! I didn't want to miss a single second of the fleeting condition. The last day, before the pain started, I cancelled on seeing my best friend. I told her I was playing music for soybean. 
      I said "nothing is more important than this". 
       I don't think anything can feel worse, any worse, and I certainly do not wish to live through whatever IS worse than that. Before you waste your time typing, just keep reading. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, time, this is totally like that time your dog died, uh huh, blah blah blah. Got it.

      I was 16 the night that I lost myself...and ...I'm not sure if I ever found myself.
      I was still 16 the Summer that I became enchanted by the innocent, devilish, spectacular, dizzying and dazzling: James Dean.

      I ate burgers again for the first time in years the winter that I was 16. I went to school drunk a lot my junior year of high school,I may have skipped like a class or two, looked fucking awesome as I embraced the black nail polish instead of hiding it in embarrassment, I stopped caring what people thought because I like it. Rock bottom looking back was apparently not turning in an essay for Karen. I dyed my hair pink. Magenta. I wish I could still have it that color but I happily sold my soul to my acting agent at 18.
      I would be lying if I said that even back then, a small, dark and twisty, integral part of me wasn't...kind of relieved to be losing my innocence, sort of really glad to finally be playing with fire, excited to have some 'burn scars'.
      Her videos give me that tragically beautiful feeling sometimes, like anything is possible and like nothing matters... and it's almost as if I'm getting a real peek back in time, behind the scenes of Old Hollywood...
      Maybe I am..

      Edit on September 5, 2013 @ 3:56 PM.

      **Update 3.0** More of a Real Post Now...WARNING: Bits of Story May Have Been Ommitted

      Just to keep everyone updated. My darling father, best father in the world and all, trespassed to recover his truck instead of just coming to see me. I was waiting for days and he didn't even say he was here or anything. His buddies with the metro maintenance crew must have let him in "the usual way" again. So, of course, I had dozens of errands to run and was left stranded. I'm used to it though. I'm still sick. There's a HUGE lump under my chin and my throat is covered in nastiness and I was downstairs trying to set up a doctors appointment (I need to use the phone in the lobby to make calls). I checked my email first to discover that I CAN'T GO TO THE DOCTOR. If I die....this is REALLY not my fault or my intention, you guys. Seriously in pain. Remember how I BEGGED my Facebook friends for HELP yesterday and the day before? Yeah I'm pretty sure I meant I needed physical help. I couldn't get up to get food. I couldn't get up to come downstairs to use the phone. That's what I meant when I said "I need food" "I need medicine" "I need help". Not one person asked, a few people sent me the saaaaame bullshit suicide advice emails which, by the way, if I was about to kill myself would have really made me do it. I wasn't though, I was about to die from sickness and pathetic helplessness and sadness because I was sick and no one was around to help or even cared in the slightest. No more Facebook for me!

      *Let's see....if you turned on the news this morning maybe you witnessed a cool  gang bust, no names were released when I was watching, but over 20 (potentially horrible)  people were taken into custody. One was the owner of whatever apartment complex they all were. Currently...there appears to be some shit going down in Tempe. Apartment friends Vampires  whores drug dealers aaaalllll agree, and it's seriously NO SECRET the Grigio is some sort of hub, likely being closely watched, and everyone knows about the very obvious official-looking dudes and about the sluts  that took over our lobby haha it's cool.
      Earlier was exciting:
      Police cars flew by. Then the SWAT team black van thing. The men who had been watching me for days doing their jobs and never eye fucking ANY of the classy ladies here out went flying by too, some in the opposite direction. Hmmmmmm.....

      My Motive Revealed!

      Bye, Basically. You now know some pretty personal things Blogstalkers. I'm just running away now, is all.  I won't post for a while. No one reads this anyways, right?     hehe    <3

      Everyone has a motive. It is my job to figure out people's motives. If I can't figure out your motive, you scare the living daylights out of me. We ALL know silly Roho loves to play with fire. Dancing flames hehe. So, you intrigue me, as well. I rarely get challenges....They're fun, and thrilling, and leave me breathless.
      Do you want to know my motive?

      It starts with an F.

      No....not Fucking...although that would be nice and also not gonna happen I guess. Haha sorry, TMI?


      A real family.

      I made one. I chose one. People who live abroad do not count. That's extended family. I wanted my own. I wanted Americans. I wanted non-Catholics. Really, non-religious-extremists. I wanted open-minded individuals as family. 

      Confused? It's pretty obvious, I thought. Yet...the only other person I've met with the exact same...motive...similar story...was the first person in a while whose motive I could never figure out. I wanted to trust him. Something told me I should, but I couldn't without knowing his motive. I felt that way until he told me himself that his motive in life is family, and he knew mine was family, too. We see each other. We understand. All because we get it, we get the reasoning behind each and every action. When he said the stuff at first I was like...holyshitareyouaspy? Haha In the acting world, if you don't figure out your characters motive,,,,you can't do a great job acting out that character, I'm afraid. I don't trust anyone until I think I have them figured out, and I usually do have them figured out. Unfortunately. Humanity is just nasty. 

      Tuesday, September 3, 2013

      Dear Dicks from Canteen

      Oops. I mean. ::hair twirl:: oh, what? Like I'm so drunk, like waaaasteddddd. And I'm soooo high after I said online that I would be high be...::hiccup:: I did weed behind the gym class building. Like, where are my shoes?"

      Hehehe el Jefe..... I'm la jefa, clearly.

      Dear Sk8r Boys from the other night


      Sunday, September 1, 2013

      Carmen Video

      Remember how we changed some words in that other poem? Just a few words? Yeah. Hmmm. My post "Breakable. Breaking. Broken" should fill in one of the key words here for you....
      I also was so shocked that that post did NOT get the most views ever. It just goes to show I was right. People are more interested in gossip and charicatures than real people. In the Breakable post I confess the hardest thing for me to confess, ever. I thought it was a shocker...maybe I wasn't as smooth as I thought. Anyways, you should read THAT one and ALL of them before coming to me saying you're totally there for me and love me and this and that. Otherwise I'm going to be a bitch.

      Have a wonderful night!
      Oh yeah, no pity please. I fucking love the life I have lived. Until May. But, you know, I'm told I'm pretty fantastic and crazy amazing so let's see what crazy fantastic things I will do now.
      I'm free. For better or for worse, I don't know yet.

      I'm an Awful Lot Like Carmen

      People have a hard time understanding me. That's okay! I understand why they do, and that's okay. In fact, being different is more than okay. I love it. I've been talking to strangers for months and through having to talk to so many strangers, I realized something. I am not just another white sheep. I'm not going to live in the 'little boxes on the hilltop, little boxes all the same'. Oh no. I'm going to rock this shit. I do. I dress like a toddler, a punk rock, ballerina, toddler because it's fun, it's comfortable as hell, annnnnd mostly because I left the majority of my clothes in Europe....and now I would be too small to fit into them anyways. How tragic, right?  ;)

       I finally like myself,  I enjoy the person I am inside, I adore the dark sides of me just as much as the white, kind, pure sides of me because you can't  even see shadows unless there is a light somewhere. Symbolism, bitches! Haha had to. I hope you know my tone od voice for all these statements. Oh man I should record these. Ahhh back to the topic , me!  Totally an ADD child. It keeps me entertained.  

       Anyways, I am comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in my life I don't look in the mirror and see all the flaws which were constantly pointed out to me ever since I can remember. Yesterday someone was psychoanalyzing me good and kept calling me a chameleon, which finally made me decide to post this. This is...almost as if I wrote it...maybe change the word poet to something else...maybe I don't ride motorcycles like she did...I do love to ride though, I always have; horses, and I do ride in cars, trains, buses, taxis, boats, planes...In fact, the more I think about it, all I have done since I was an infant was ride around. Those were always the best times, days weeks! ^_^  

      Here's an excerpt from a poem by my favorite poet.

      "I was in the winter of my life, 

      and the men I met along the road were my only summer.

      Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour,

       and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, 

      and my only real happy times.

      I was a singer - not a very popular one,

      I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet,

       but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again,

       sparkling and broken.

      But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted,

       and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

      When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing,

       how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.

      They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.

      I was always an unusual girl. 

      My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality;

       just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...

      And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...

      Because I was born to be the other woman.

      Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.

      Who had nothing, who wanted everything, 

      with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me

       to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, 

      and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

      At night I fell asleep with visions of myself,

       dancing and laughing and crying with them."

      -Lana del Rey...also known as Lizzy Grant

      BTW the poem corresponds to this song: