Sunday, September 1, 2013

I'm an Awful Lot Like Carmen

People have a hard time understanding me. That's okay! I understand why they do, and that's okay. In fact, being different is more than okay. I love it. I've been talking to strangers for months and through having to talk to so many strangers, I realized something. I am not just another white sheep. I'm not going to live in the 'little boxes on the hilltop, little boxes all the same'. Oh no. I'm going to rock this shit. I do. I dress like a toddler, a punk rock, ballerina, toddler because it's fun, it's comfortable as hell, annnnnd mostly because I left the majority of my clothes in Europe....and now I would be too small to fit into them anyways. How tragic, right?  ;)

 I finally like myself,  I enjoy the person I am inside, I adore the dark sides of me just as much as the white, kind, pure sides of me because you can't  even see shadows unless there is a light somewhere. Symbolism, bitches! Haha had to. I hope you know my tone od voice for all these statements. Oh man I should record these. Ahhh back to the topic , me!  Totally an ADD child. It keeps me entertained.  

 Anyways, I am comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in my life I don't look in the mirror and see all the flaws which were constantly pointed out to me ever since I can remember. Yesterday someone was psychoanalyzing me good and kept calling me a chameleon, which finally made me decide to post this. This is...almost as if I wrote it...maybe change the word poet to something else...maybe I don't ride motorcycles like she did...I do love to ride though, I always have; horses, and I do ride in cars, trains, buses, taxis, boats, planes...In fact, the more I think about it, all I have done since I was an infant was ride around. Those were always the best times, days weeks! ^_^  

Here's an excerpt from a poem by my favorite poet.

"I was in the winter of my life, 

and the men I met along the road were my only summer.

Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour,

 and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, 

and my only real happy times.

I was a singer - not a very popular one,

I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet,

 but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again,

 sparkling and broken.

But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted,

 and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing,

 how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.

They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl. 

My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality;

 just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...

And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...

Because I was born to be the other woman.

Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, 

with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me

 to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, 

and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

At night I fell asleep with visions of myself,

 dancing and laughing and crying with them."

-Lana del Rey...also known as Lizzy Grant

BTW the poem corresponds to this song:

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