Sunday, September 22, 2013

To Whom My Anger is Directed At

Since my family #1 stopped all contact with me months ago when I did the most offensive thing in the world and moved out of their fancy schmansy house and into my own apartment, maybe one or two of them occasionally peruse my blog and they can get the answer to the question that they had in August. 

I decided that no, I am not going to be attending ASU this semester, considering it's already kind of too late. That's not why I am not attending, however.

I could say I'm just lazy. Everyone knows how much I just loathe school, right?
Wrong. I want to be a student forever so I don't have to join the real world. That's besides the point, though.
I will say that I am not finishing school until I can afford to do so on my own. I don't want daddy's help paying for school. Fuck. No. Then I owe the entire family something. I share, I like to share, I love sharing with my friends and family. Remember my previous blog post about how blood does not make you family. Actually giving a fuck makes you family. That does not mean "family is whoever gives a fuck right now". Nope! Sorry. It means "people who have always given a fuck, when times are fantastic and when times suck."
The handful of times I have accepted monetary help or just accepted gifts from family #1  (occasionally for my birthday or various silly achievements that totally aren't impressive to anyone)...well those times I would have been better off, much, much, much better off saying "No, thank you." It gets thrown in my face. People feel like they are allowed to give me a curfew, tell me what to eat, tell me what to feel, tell me what to say, how to act, who to be friends with, who to date, who to fall in love with, what career path to follow, what goals, dreams, and aspirations I must have 'or else'. Fuck that. 
Every time I turned down a grain of rice from these people, it was seen as offensive and insulting and became an entire family soap opera. The times I do accept the grains of rice, enchiladas, birthday cash, or exactly one laptop, I am 'under control'. Their control. Once again, fuck that.  

This is not me saying I hate family. I don't hate anyone. Well... just kidding, I do, but it's okay because those people are who this post is about. That does not mean I hate my entire family and everyone they know and mutual friends or acquaintances. It does not mean anything to anyone besides 4 people. Here's a hint- they aren't from Arizona. If you're from Arizona, you're in the clear. If you're from Mexico, chances are that you're in the clear as well. If you have never called me a pathetic piece of shit, selfish disappointment to humanity, and if you have never defiled my mother's memory in front of me (or taken pictures of her dead body....umm....that happened, even though she wanted no one to even view her body)...then you're in the clear.

I love family, family is all I want in life because it's not something you can buy. It's not something that comes easily. It's not something that is easily kept, at least not in my case. Family #1 and Family#2.
I chose Family #2 before and I have chosen them again like a hundred times. You can't change your past, and I am thankful for whatever fun and/or fucked up experiences made me stronger...not saying it all made me stronger. Some things made me weaker, but I'm still here. I'm not the only person on earth to have these experiences. I'm not the only person on earth who feels the way I feel about various people, places, things, events, ideas... 

In conclusion, I refuse to take any of your money to pay for school because I do not want you to take credit for my success. I want the people who actually contributed and will contribute to my success to get the credit. And me, I want some or most of the credit too. Yes, I got paid to go to school. No, I'm not rich. I'm a broke-ass-bitch, like most college students. I put my money into assets which I may be able to sell or trade when I need cash. I say assets as if I actually have any. I don't. I had my car...that's gone. Sold. Then my dad subtracted from that money some money which he had previously given to me as a gift. He then later gave me the difference when I needed to feed myself and had begged for enough months that I wanted to see a doctor and that I wanted to go back to counseling. Oops, sorry, I'm getting out of control again. Kill me. Or sue me. Whatever floats your boat. 

Once again, THIS POST and my anger is intended for a tiny group of individuals. About 4 people, I would say. If you happen to have a same last name as any of them, my anger and this post is NOT meant for you so please stop adding to the madness by getting offended and insulted. I mean, you have a right to feel how you feel just keep it to the 100 or so people that are in the family. OR maybe be mature and bring it directly to me. You won't though. 

You won't do it because you're scared.

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