Conversation Pieces- My New Segment
I decided to start just posting up conversations I have with people loosely tied to my past if I happen to luck out and have one! Everyone seems to have a lot to say but no one wants to have a conversation. I figure this way it's almost like you're part of a conversation with me but you don't have to come near me. Also, I'm done being quiet and crazy. I'm going through some shit. I feel like exploding. I don't want to explode. I am out of shit to do and sometimes talking helps. Having something [or a lot of somethings] to say to a lot of people and not being able to say it, or being laughed at, or mocked, or just flat out told "you're wrong, go away" before the conversation starts...that feeling sucks Yes, I deserve it. Yes, I brought this on myself. I'm not doing anything for pity. I'm doing it because I would like to continue being alive, life is funny, fun, magical sometimes. It is reeeaaalllyyyyyy hard for me to remember what that's like. I have my moments. Like tonight. I giggled a lot tonight. People told jokes on the internet and it made me laugh, like actually laugh, for the first time in weeks. It was magical. I can't wait to do it again.
If you find offense to this post just let me know. Everyone knows my number and my email address. They have not changed since June. Gmail, not icloud.
I definitely wasn't going to blame you for that mess at all. I don't really know what happened to make these people turn on you so hard, I don't think you would deserve it either way. Also feel free to unload whenever you need to, seriously, I love being able to help my friends. I may be sleeping or something but I will always get back to you, you have my number so you can totally text too
Yeah I had an angry outburst [on Facebook] when I was lost, alone, terrified, had been MUGGED in another country, didn't have my voice and was about to lose the love of my life. Ever since then I haven't really gotten the chance to speak to A and the others just look the other way in public/pretend I don't exist. Ive been too busy deciding whether to live or die, how could i have had the motivation or willpower to [think about let alone] talk shit about the vast majority of them? [Even then...I haven't had a single person around me to talk shit about anyone else to...][Oh, and] Thank you!!! You're awesome! And honestly at this point I think it is mob mentality and they are too scared to admit that FOR ONCE maybe they were wrong. J and C are a bad combo with A. I just. Ugh. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I haven't been allowed to speak. I haven't received any explanation or words or fucking ANYTHING. I hung out with A a few times before, and the second to last time we did shrooms together and I had the most horrible shroom freak out/panic attack which escalated past the point of no return when J walked out to the backyard to just stand there, judging, while A and i were currently experiencing a tense moment. So it escalated. Since J got involved, what could have been absolutely nothing besides a walk around the neighborhood for me got blown out of proportion into whatever this is. J tells everyone I'm batshit psycho based off the ten minutes he spent near me while I was on fucking shrooms with my husband who already had his rebound at the time. Fun.
Well you know with A, J, and C- they really lack the ability to think as autonomous people and just agree with the other no matter what. When people hear rumors they take it as truth. I felt so bad when I heard all of what was happening and the aftermath as well because I knew I really only got one side. Those 3 especially are a toxic combo.
And I'm not even mad at A [and I do not blame him for any of this...well most of this, I just so don't care about being angry with anyone, least of all him]. Maybe I should be, but I'm not [and] I do not consider the rebound and the shrooms thing cheating on me because we had, privately, already discussed these things. [We were broken up]. I don't understand all the lying and hiding the entire truth from me from the start, though, on everyone's part [and I was livid about the reaction to my panic attack. way over it by now.] I just want to forget everything and everyone and have one god damned conversation with him or I'm going to explode. I obviously would have already moved away if I could and maybe I wouldn't be this depressed right now. Maybe I would have my shit together but since this is the series of events that did occur, I don't have my shit together. This is not a ploy to get him back. This is not shit talking. I'm not blaming or accusing him of anything. If you are a male, female, or unsure, and you think I might be talking about you or accusing you of some crime, speak up, nobody has said anything to me so I have no idea if or why anyone is pissed. There are a lot of things that need to be discussed. Otherwise I guess he doesn't want a divorce because the deadline for a bunch of paperwork is october. Then legally I "get my way" but no one wins because the status of the piece of paper is no longer relevant. Fuck. That's not even what this is about anymore sadly.
If you can't even hash things out in an attempt at closure then that is even more messed up, like, why wouldn't he want that? Wrapping up loose ends and shit
*NINJAEDIT*- this is the most I have said about this to anyone about this subject and now I am making it public because I don't want to leave any loose ends.
Do I want to still be married? Absolutely.
Do I wish like a little annoying girl that we could fall in love again and just fucking forget the bullshit and be together? Absolutely.
Do I believe that's going to happen? No. My life is not a fairy tale. Choose a