Thursday, September 26, 2013

Whine Time

It's okay, I only whine on days that end in "y". 

Don't read this, it's embarrassing. I suck at proofreading, too, and I just typed this monster out on a touch screen. You know what that means! 
It means I will review this in a little while and fix some stuff...most likely.

So, here's a well-kept secret! I complain a lot on social media. Mainly on Facebook. 
I have another secret which is that I lied because the previous secret wasn't really a secret. Haha now we're all confused. I never just...make shit up. When I "lie" it's usually to try to make a joke like just now. I'm usually the only one laughing though and I have people thinking that there really is jizz and blood all over my apartment or something. Lmfao. 
(To let the rest of you in on an inside joke,  my friend and I composed a break-up text that said: "Blood everywhere. Jizz everywhere. Throwin' away my phone!" She then sent me that text...)
The lie I  always tell is: "I'm fine."
When I called myself a liar... THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. I'm pretty open about almost anything else if you ask me whatever question is on your mind. 
I've always told that lie. Sometimes I believe myself. Sometimes I am shocked or hurt or angry that my friends believe me when I say "I'm fine."
If I get myself to believe it though, I honestly place zero blame on them. Zero. 
Anyways after I offhandedly called myself a liar, EVERYONE started calling me a liar but also not asking me to clarify anything and not letting me in on whatever their issue is/was. Suddenly randoms were all like, "hey person I just met,  you should put ALL your cards on the table and tell every intimate detail about yourself while I put absolutely none of my cards on the table." I took that as a challenge. I went home. Took inventory of the skeletons in my closet, dragged them aaaallllll OUT of my closet and uploaded them to the internet. That's just me. I do not recommend this route, but in my situation with the amount of people, (mis)translations and gossip involved, I am glad I did it. 
 So once I displayed my secret closet skeletons "proudly"(hardest, most shame-inducing, humbling moment of my existence)... People were even more scared of me. Fuck! I promise I don't bite...
So I complain to the internet. If someone does not wish to read my complaints I seriously will not be offended if you delete or block me. I promise I will NOT be melodramatic and extend that to the real world and let it affect or end our real-life relationship. There's always e-mail. I check that all the time. I reply. I won't send you my Facebook posts or Tweets via email if you delete me, I swear. Unless I'm reeeaaally funny one day or something. Then I might. Just once. :P

I figure, what else is Facebook for? If you are appalled, offended, or revolted by real people sharing their actual thoughts/emotions... then why are you even trying to stay connected with anyone? or with so many people? The following examples are fictional. I can make stuff up, and I label them "STORIEZ", "script idea", "screenplay!", "my fantasy novel I will never finish", my kind-of-fiction young adult novel about me and my friends called Behind Closed Doors", or just "here's a story!"... Haha's my rant:

People whine about shit like television or how they had to walk a block to class and "omgz it's so hot" or how their 99cent flip flop broke. I mean yeah it sucks and all and it honestly makes me happy to know that somewhere, someday, when I'm some other person I might be able to have problems like those instead, buuut I'm also sure someone will let the person with a broken flippy floppy have some tape while they sort themselves out. I delete people kind of way too liberally but it's because I don't want to have to hide anyone from my feed. If you're on there I want to know what is actually going on in your life. If one of my friends feels like they have no one, I hope they do try to utilize social media, the internet, and strangers to try to help themselves before shit gets worse. Facebook has tipped me off to a fair share of... Serious issues with people I love more than life itself. The answers followed two similar veins when asked "why didn't you come to me sooner/at all/etc".
 It seemed to either be "I tried"...which was true once I thought about it, and then I felt like an asshole/guilt forever/terrible human being... 
OR it was "I was done. I thought no one cared".
I cared though. They never would have known if they had never said anything. 
 Social media connects people in unexpected ways. I say I hate people but I really don't. All my melodramatic real statuses helped me find hope in humanity at various points in time, and it showed me what the kindness of strangers can do. If I never posted a melodramatic status I would probably still be turning to drugs instead of people. I would not be trying to deal with my issues and demons. I would still be avoiding them. When you have absolutely no one left rooting for you and absolutely no one but your mental self to be accountable to.... Your motivations change. It becomes about simple survival. I am pretty sure I didn't actually have thoughts of killing myself July...was because when people turned me away I turned to drugs. I'm not sure what came first. The thoughts or the drugs. I only "did drugs" for a few weeks. Remember, our definition of "drugs" might be radically different. Don't assume the worst. Don't assume anything. Wanna know, just ask me!
Anyways... I most definitely AM NOT advocating this route. I had an extreme reaction to the most extreme series of events.
*Spark notes- mom died, unresolved childhood issues, disastrous vacation that led somehow to divorce, my flying off the handle and losing my friends because I had a moment of weakness and trusted...some other people for two seconds and believed some gossip they told me (hint: they are very sexist and tried to like...lock me up abroad even though the shrinks were like..."she's fine"...cause I was back then haha). SO, lost my mom (my best friend) to cancer, then lost the love of my life, then lost all of the family I knew, I somehow even lost the family I did not know that well, AND I pushed my friends and the people who were just trying to help me far, far, away. Some too far. Some other stuff happened that makes me too sad to discuss, even on the internet. Now we're all caught up. *

Continuing on...
It feels like... Drugs were a crutch clearly, but... They just prolonged the suffering. It helped me avoid life, problems, and demons for a little while. It numbed the overwhelming "just fucking shoot me now" emotions I was bombarded with. But... Now I have to deal. 

Let me rephrase. I don't HAVE to do anything. I don't owe my life to anyone. However, I choose to try because I choose to not cause more headaches and frustration for anyone left who might still care. I don't want to be a sad I won't be. That simple statement..."I don't want to be a sad book" has taken so much effort to feel. I did not give a shit before about what happened to me anymore. 
Mental problems. Really! Isn't depression fun?
Anyways, I don't want to be a Shakespearean tragedy. I would rather be a Shakespearean comedy to be honest. Tragic comedy? Nah.
Or a romance? A romcom? A dramedy? A COMEDY OF ERRORS!  Haha getting carried away. Sorry! 
Anyways, if I want to hang out in real life I assure you, I absolutely do not want to talk about myself or sad shit. That's what the internet is for. I am begging to be distracted. I am begging to just go have some fun. People insist on bringing all of my shit back up to me, and usually not even the real stuff I post but stupid rumors they hear. So... Don't do that? You can express concerns. But don't "hang out", throw stuff in my face about myself and then leave me when you get your gossip or whatever meter satiated. I want to, no I need to, hear about you guys. I want to just let you talk. I want to fawn over my friends. I want to hear that somebody else's life is better. Give me something to strive for, people! Hehe <3
I have been posting a lot of sad, melodramatic crap. It's all real. It's my fucking life. I would gladly post about anyyyyyything else. I happen to be my only source material at the moment though... When that changes, maybe my mood will also start to change, and maybe you won't have sad, melodramatic shit clogging up your newsfeed. You'll still have tons of shit from me probably but it will maybe be funnier to everyone else. I think my sarcasm and self-deprecating comments are hilarious but most people just think I'm a bitch. That's okay. Let's hang out.


To leave you happier, maybe, just know there's some cool shit happening right now too. Some exciting shit I hope. Basically, I have some hope back for the first time in months. Hope is all it is until I do something more productive with it. BRB, working on it. ;)

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