Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Walk to Remember Down Memory Lane

You know how some zombies people feed on brains? Well...I think I feed on memories. It's like The Giver in my room, or something. It's my duty to release the memories and colors, okay? Stop. No. Don't ask any questions. This is science.

  • When I still lived in Mexico my sister and her husband convinced me they were....magical. Kind of like...a witch and a wizard. They demonstrated for me. I believed. I BELIEVED. I asked them about it recently and they definitely looked like they didn't expect me to remember and brushed it off saying "we probably had many remotes you idiot" and I was like, "but what about the toilet paper?!" and they were like.... "no more questions."
  • Lately I feel like people expect me to take life seriously, so I started in on millennial memories. For example, Martyna and I pretended our high school graduation was a play and the gowns were obviously robes. We...somehow...got the exact same GPA so even though we had a 4.36 and barely missed the top 5% mark (we were 6....UGH), we were still in the top 10 so we got to sit next to each other and nothing else mattered. We were sooooo bored during our graduation, we just talked through it and made hand gestures at each other. 
  • Mart, Daisy and I once made fun of a mayor for wanting to "be just a Mayor. Like. Who does that?" Yeah...we're...the Queen Bs of the dickfaces. Bonus: Martyna and I peacefully co-rule the Island of Denial.
  • In AP History I was once dared to work the term "starfucker" into a conversation. I chose to ask about past Presidential sex-scandals.
  • Martyna experimented psychologically on Daisy and I all too often. Now I can't hear the phrase "you make my peepee hard" without thinking of Daisy's dad. I'm sorry. It's involuntary.
  • One time Daisy and I accused Martyna of having BPD. In the dorm. She was most displeased.
  • One time, at the dorm, I was happily showering and going about my cray cray evening plans of studying for chemistry, when I was greeted with "DO NOT COME OUT HERE.""But I'm naked..." "STAY IN THERE PLEASE WE'RE EARNING VODKA". o. I would like to point out that no one was naked (besides me) and they did indeed earn a bottle of sky cherry vodka.Go team!
  • Sally. Oh, sweet Sally. We pretended Daisy was mentally impaired in Target once (Tar-jey). I love playing bitch-roles (it comes naturally) so I had to cause a scene where I yelled at my poor, mentally handicapped sister Sally in public. Then Martyna was playing a part most unusual for herself, of this loving, mothering friend (muahaha). She allowed Sally to go make the nice employee look up video games in the system. Video games that did not exist. 
  • The first time Daisy got me high, the first time I got high from weed (remember, ecstasy was my gateway to drugs so weed kind of happened last for me) was April, 2008. I pretended the bed was a rowboat. THEN I hid under a bed for like an hour because I thought the kids parents were home. Daisy had the screen off the window and we were about to escape when we were....found. Then I locked myself in a room playing Guitar Hero (alone) because there were too many dudes and I didn't want to get raped. Daisy lured me out with blueberry pancakes. Then I went to work.
  • So...I went to work at WIENER, where I had (almost a year previously?) blackmailed upper management into paying me manager's salary without any management responsibilities. I used to be so....cool. I think it was the magenta hair.
  • Oh yeah, Daisy and Martyna conferenced (in front of me) Freshman year at ASU that if Anthony and I ever broke up, they were going on round-the-clock suicide watch. Thanks assholes. ^_^

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