I'm supposed to be doing a reading for this casting thing, but I'm freaking the fuck out.
What if I fuck up? WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS MOVIE?!
OH MY FUCK WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?
Ahem. Anyways. I decided to write a blog post to clear my racing mind and help get myself into character.
You know that saying, when it rains, it pours?
I don't know why. I don't know what I do. I don't know why anyone likes me. I am just at a point in my life where I am going to be incredibly selfish. I like being a lone wolf most of the time. I'm leaving the country this summer, so...I don't want to get attached to anybody and I don't want anyone getting attached to me.
I work a lot. No, I'm not complaining. I have the best jobs in the world. "Working" is oftentimes talking to myself for hours on end in my room, changing the inflection of words in a single sentence. I need to practice faces in the mirror. I sometimes sit and watch people to figure out what normal people look like interacting.
I'm having the time of my life.
Is this how I pictured my life? Well...when I was 10, 14, 16...yes, absolutely, this is exactly how I pictured my life.
I have a soft spot in my cold, icy heart for one person. I think everyone is well-aware. I let go of the things I can't change, though, and found happiness. If you love something...let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. In the meantime...I'm just letting it be.
At this point...people tell me exactly what I want to hear, so I don't trust them. Other people criticize everything I do, and their opinion simply isn't any of my business. Don't believe what you hear, don't believe what you see. Trust yourself. Follow the heartlines on your hand. The rest is background noise.
Sorry if this makes no sense, I never make sense.
Everyone's like: LET ME LAVISH ATTENTION ON YOU! Be young, live it up! HANG OUT WITH US HO.
Me: Um. I'm busy.