Sunday, July 13, 2014

Sunrise Sunday

If one year ago you told me what my life would be like right now, I would have had you committed to an insane asylum. It would go something like this:
You: "A year from now, you're going to sell cars, and you're going to be really fucking good at it. On your days off you are going to model and be happy with your body. You are going to live in Phoenix and you're going to like it. Oh, and your friends? Just wait. They would jump into a volcano for you if you asked them to."
Me: ::dials 911:: "Operator? Yes, I have a raving lunatic at my house. They are talking crazy. Send help."

It's funny how life changes...very slowly, and then all at once.
........


Here's a sneak peak of my last modeling shoot with Duane Furlong! 








Monday, June 23, 2014

Supergirl


Don't you think that it's boring how people talk,
Making smart with their words again, well I'm bored,
Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it,
Never not chasing a million things I want,
And I am only as young as the minute is full of it,
Getting pumped on the little bright things I bought,
But I know they'll never own me.



Something has changed. Maybe it's a culmination of a myriad of small changes, but the picture of my life is entirely different now. I think that quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower is true- we accept the love we think we deserve. That said, I think I had the best birthday of my life.I had a mild moment of panic right before midnight on the 19th, when I realized 23 is pretty close to 25, and people are supposed to have their shit together by now. I'm getting there, only now there isn't really room for major mistakes. I have to get things right the first time. All day on the 20th, I felt so appreciated. I felt so loved. Not everyone gets cake on their birthday at my job. I got TWO cakes. I got to blow out a candle. I got sang to. People brought me Starbucks all day long. I got the most gorgeous new dresses, bathing suit, and shoes. Someone got me a coffee maker. A beautiful bouquet of roses was delivered to my work in the middle of the day, and my heart melted. It's the thought behind each gift that matters to me. Every one was so personalized. It's nice when people care about you, and pay attention to everything you say. It's nice when people go out of their way to make you smile. If you have people like that in your life, hang on to them. I know I plan to.




Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Vroom Vroom

It's funny how life works. I always had a plan. I was supposed to be a veterinarian or go to grad school for neurobiology. My life was all about science and love, and I liked it that way. When it all changed, I tried to fight it. I didn't want to accept it. There wasn't anything else that piqued my interest. Old friends gave up on me too. I knew I was the problem, but I didn't care enough to change. Or rather, I didn't know how to. I was miserable and I wouldn't want to be around me either, so it was for the best that I was alone. Sometimes I would wonder why, if maybe there was something else I was supposed to do with my life, and this drastic end to all my old plans was the only way to achieve it. Then I would immediately think I was stupid, there is no higher power guiding my life, we are all alone and our choices make or break our lives. Still though... sometimes it was like the universe was laughing at me, and whispering "Just wait..."
Even, a month ago I had no idea what I was doing. I had a job that I liked and I wanted to get promoted and move to Colorado. The job was just that. A job. I met tons of people every day, but I worked alone. I got fed up when they kept making payroll errors. I looked on Craigslist and there it was:
"Bilingual salespeople".
Did I ever in a million years imagine that I could sell cars? No.
Now that I'm doing it, I wonder why I didn't start sooner. It's not for everyone. The hours are ridiculous. You have to actually know about every car. You have to know how to talk to people. I love it. I've been there 3 weeks and I already made sales alone and with coworkers. It's addicting. I thrive in high stress environments.
I can actually envision this as a career path. It's not just a job anymore. We all basically live there, so our teams are like families. What's even more awesome is that my motivation and skills are actually recognized. It's not like I've sold 15 cars in one month, yet, but they all see that I will. I can't wait to prove them right.
Take notes, parents. When you believe good things about a person, they will do anything to prove you right. After my mom died, I had no one left that believed all those wonderful things about me so I stopped believing them myself. I have that again. I have a whole slew of people that believe the best, so now I believe it again too.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

My Summer Wine



"Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time..."

So... I haven't posted in a while. I need to unload some brain vomit.
I have so many plans, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Unfortunately, I have a tendency of making rash and impulsive decisions that end up backfiring and costing me everything, financially and emotionally. Call me crazy, but I think maybe, just this once, I am going to plan. The last time I planned, it also backfired and ruined my life, but this isn't the same. It's more of a loose plan. A rough outline, with wiggle room. I was so eager to go, go, go, get the hell out of here, but I'm ill prepared. It was a possibility with my last job, since they were promoting me and transferring me to Colorado. That was a plan! However, due to issues with payroll (the issue being, they weren't paying me!), I had to leave that job. I was pretty bummed and saw this as a huge setback. Leaving that job is starting to look like something religious people refer to as a "blessing in disguise". I see it as an opportunity to regroup, refocus, and make a solid plan. When I finally do go, I don't want it to backfire. I don't want to come crawling back, depressed and penniless. When I go, I want to have a real chance at life and achieving my dreams.
So, I took a logical step and found a new place to work. The new place happens to be the number one Nissan dealership in the state. My last job was in sales, this one is even bigger sales. The hours are insane, the office is like the car dealership equivalent of Mercy Grace hospital (Grey's Anatomy), but I'm loving it so far. I think my brain was so starved for knowledge, that it doesn't matter that it's cars I'm learning about. It's just happy to be studying something.

From there, all the pieces seem to be falling into place. I am very grateful to my dad for letting me stay here for a few months, but let's be real. I need to move out. The perfect opportunity arose, and come July I will be back in a house in Tempe with my best friends. Even better is the fact that one of these friends has cast me as the female newsanchor in a new ASU film department newscast. It's going to be news for ASU, in the style of Weekend Update from Saturday Night Live. I will obviously update my blog when there is more concrete information. I just know we start filming in August, and the garage has been converted into a studio for this project. Funding has been provided by varios organizations on campus. I am so beyond excited about this. I get to act with one of my old theater pals!

Life has also had a funny way of surprising me lately, in a good way.
For the first time in a long, long, time, I'm not just pretending to be happy or pretending to be excited. I am! I am genuinely pleased with myself, and curious about the future. My last year, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Looking back, I can say with complete certainty that I can survive anything. I depended on myself. I got through it on my own. There will be dark days, everyone has them. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my mom's death. The day, this whole month, is not easy. I don't have a time machine, though. I can't go back and fix anything. Dwelling doesn't help, clearly. The only thing I can do is keep going. People can't help you if you don't want to be helped. They especially can't help you if you don't ask, or if you don't try. I learned that I can rely on myself...but I learned that it's okay to lean on friends during the bad days. Knowing that is priceless.



Thursday, March 20, 2014

Be Happy

Why are people so opinionated about other people's lives? Let people do what makes them happy. Your life might be perfect for you, but it's somebody else's worst nightmare.
I can't stand the idea of living in the suburbs with a mortgage, credit cards, a job that doesn't travel...but that's so many people's dream. If that's what you want, go for it. Get it. Just understand that to people like me, that's hell on earth.
I want green, I want animals, I want to travel around the world. My goal is to move to Europe, but in order to do that I need to make sacrifices now. To me, less is more. I don't want stuff. I just want a place where my pets and I can live without stressing about ending up on the street if I don't get my next paycheck on time.
I've been having to rethink everything.  Clearly I need to get out of Arizona for my health. I'm allergic to every native tree and bush. It's causing circulation problems, peripheral neuropathy, and misery. It's not a sustainable life for me here. I always owe at the end of the month.
I talked to an airforce recruiter, so that's still an option.
I also floated out the idea of Colorado to my boss. My company is opening a branch there, and the sooner I go the more likely it is for me to get a promotion.
I even seriously considered living in an RV for a bit, with a minimalist mind set for the next year. Maybe it sounds trashy or ridiculous to you.  I don't care. It sounds like freedom to me. I could cut my expenses to less than $300 a month.  That's including gas to get to work, and food. I could save a lot, pay any debt. I could actually enjoy my time between paychecks and spend time with people that matter. I could write, paint, read all the books, and ride horses. I could afford to go see my favorite bands play. Maybe volunteer at the Humane Society.
Quality of life is more important than how much shit you can buy. Experiences matter more than staying in the (not so comfortable) comfort zone.
I'm ready for more change. I control what direction my life takes. You do too.

P.S. I don't take life advice from people who don't lead the kind of life I desire for myself.
Photo courtesy of an imaginary Twitter friend. :)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Dancing Dragonflies

The girl lay in an empty apartment, counting the dragonflies on the ceiling and the stars in her eyes. The room, somber and silent, came to life. The patterns were undulating around her, and the still air became restless.  She ignored it,  her gaze transfixed on the ceiling. The wind whispered and sighed, attempting to capture a moment of notice from the starry-eyed girl. She seemed to grow weary, and at last let her eyelids drop. The black oblivion she longed for did not engulf her yet.  Instead, the familiar kaleidoscope of her mind greeted her warmly. A breeze fluttered through the open window, and the wind delivered an echo of sound from a different time to the helpless form on the ground. She heard a clinking of bottles, the sound of a screen door, and unfamiliar laughter. The colors in her mind rearranged themselves into still frames. She saw the door. The sweat forming on the cups. The dark night. The smoke swirling towards a ceiling, before dissolving into the night. Another echo,  different laughter. She recognized this. More still frames,  this time of all of their faces. Her. Him. A cat. Him. A set of fingernails with chipped black polish. That guy's tattoo. Her necklace. Warmth.
At this point the girl tried to open her eyes, but it was as if they had been glued shut. She tried to scream but the sound caught in her throat. Another echo...the same laughter from earlier, but sharper, more defined. The still frames enveloped her body, this time showing her the dripping wax, the ash on the ground, the cuts behind her knees, the aching in her throat. The sparkling laughter still resonated in her mind. It seemed out of place, a sharp contrast to the images, like someone started playing a movie with the wrong soundtrack. The breeze calmed and the scene dissolved. She was back to her familiar view of dancing colors in the darkness of the room.
That's when the girl finally understood.
She opened her eyes.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

A Second Wind

I'm still trying to get used to my new life. Everything's new. Nothing, except for 2 of the cats, is the same.
I miss going to school. I miss...everything. Sometimes it's easy to get so caught up in missing things and people, that I fail to realize what's in front of me. I was starting to feel defeated, like maybe this acting/modeling thing was just a pipe dream doomed to fail and maybe I threw everything else I ever loved away for nothing. I haven't been this poor since my freshman year of college. I was applying to normal, 9-5, soul-sucking jobs again. I was losing faith...
It always seems to go like this with acting though. Just when you think your passion is going to bankrupt you, opportunity knocks at the door.
Now I have an audition tomorrow. I have a photoshoot this weekend. There will be talent scouts at said photoshoot.
Maybe it's not a lot to most people, but it is to me. You don't have to be famous to act for a living. Everyone has to start somewhere.
It's getting a lot better, but I had been so sad... so I agreed to start anti-depressants again. Unfortunately, they did not react in a good way. They made everything worse. I felt like giving up. It exaggerated any negative thoughts I was having. If you or someone you know suffers from depression and needs meds, it's important to note that sometimes they do make things worse. Luckily I was warned, and luckily I made peace with my brother and we're friends again. He noticed. Sometimes all you need is for someone to notice. It was a rough patch, and I'm getting out of it. Everyone has to get out of it on their own, to some degree. I feel like I have a lot of reasons to be sad, but sometimes there really is no reason. I hope it's situational, and not something I'll have to deal with forever. I was a very happy kid, and a very happy teen, and I just want to get back there again. The Bloggess  taught me that depression lies. Sometimes she writes very candidly about her struggle, and she offers encouragement. It's a hard thing to do. Being candid on the internet is a scary thing. People can use it against you. People can judge you for it. The Bloggess puts it all out there anyways, and I love her for that.
So, since I'm on the other side of the dark fog now, maybe I can offer encouragement for someone else.
What works for me when I'm so sad and every little thing seems so overwhelming and I feel like a failure is...my wanderlust.
I think of the places I haven't been. I step out of myself and try to see a bigger picture. I think of the history of this planet, and all the landmarks I want to touch with my own hands. I think of how foreign air smells. I remember how I felt on my honeymoon at the Mayan pyramids. I remember my walks around Alster Lake in Hamburg. I picture myself on the ocean, floating on my back. Just floating. Many people might not know this, but I was a beach baby. My parents had a timeshare in San Carlos, and we were there every year, without fail, for my birthday (until Alexa was born). Of course I would also tag along any time anyone else in the family went to Guaymas or San Carlos. So it helps me to remember the salty smell, the sound of the waves crashing on rocks. I remember that time when I was left unsupervised at a new beach. It was really clean and I had those goggles that covered my nose so I could swim underwater like a mermaid. I swam out, squirming my way on the seafloor, when suddenly there was a steep drop. I came up for air and down I went again to explore. I could feel this cold, cold current coming from this steep, dark drop. I went down as far as I could. Obviously that situation could have ended badly, but something scared me and I came back up. As I did, I thought to myself "I'll be back when I'm bigger. I need to know what's down there."
I guess...that. I need to know. I need to know what's out there in the world. I need to know what's on the bottom of the ocean. I need to know what's under the polar caps on Mars. I need to know what else is lurking in the rainforests. I need to know how my story ends.
Curiosity might kill me one day, but it's the only thing saving me right now.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Luna









I write all the damn time, in a notebook. I was talking to my brother about this. I have a bit of a dilemma. I actually uttered "some of my stories are just too real, even for the internet." ... :p
I guess what I meant was that...I want to publish some stuff. It is very personal, but also stuff that happened a long time ago. These aren't problems I am currently facing. A lot of people advise me against putting problems on the internet, but, well, what good are these stories if no one's ever going to hear them?
So, to lighten the mood in preparation for my first "I almost got shot" story, here's this awesome song I was sent!


Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Girl at the Show

It's true that you don't get to choose what stays and what stays behind. I'm sure we all have some really random things we remember years later. When I am really sad and just don't have time to feel it all, I make myself imagine the happiest things that I can to bring out warm and fuzzy emotions instead.
I used to sit and reflect on the endless directions that life can pull us, and would get lost in elaborate daydreams of  the various different places I could end up, the different types of work I could be doing in 15 years, and wondering about the people who will become crucial to me whom I don't yet know. It always filled me with hope and determination.  However, time seems to become a scarce resource as we get older, so I found something that requires much less of it: pulling from my happiness memory bank.

A really popular mental destination of mine is the first Florence and the Machine concert I went to with my friend Kitty.
It was a weekend trip, because did I mention the concert was in Los Angeles?
The drive there was pretty spectacular. We shamelessly jammed out to our favorite ladies to get in the concert mood. After we got a couple of date milkshakes, I passed one of the ultimate friendship tests back then (somehow), because Kitty was actually letting me drive her fancy car.
It was shortly after she let me take over that she discovered one of my most endearing qualities: my intense phobia of semi trucks.
The rest of the ride was just a thrill for her, and a test to how well I could hold my pee in (from the intense laughter...and scares) for me.
We realized as we were entering the Wiltern that night that most of the concert goers were females, in relationships with other females. We thought that was adorable, and I tried to hold Kitty's hand and pretend to be her lover but I don't think she was amused.We got an amazing spot. We were as close to the front as we could be without being in the pit, standing against the dividing wall. We had a better view than those in the pit, anyways.
I'm super impatient and wanted the openers to hurry up so I could see Florence already.
I was not expecting to fall in love that night, but I did. With Grouplove.
They opened for Florence and the Machine. I still don't know if it was the caffeine pills I took before the show, or magic, or what. All I know is that I suddenly felt...alive. I felt like I was waking up from a coma. I felt like how someone must feel when they get told they're going to Hogwarts. Fireworks were going off in my head. The band just seemed so happy, liberated, and connected to one another. It was palpable.
I think they were playing Gold Coast when I noticed the girl. There was a girl in the pit, dancing. She wasn't...dancing with anyone. She wasn't doing conventional dance moves. She was just dancing. It was like she could feel the music in her soul, like she anticipated what the next note would be before it was played.
She was surrounded by people, but she was in her own world. She didn't care what anyone thought. I don't know how to describe this emotion. I watched her and I simultaneously wished I could be as free as she was, but also wished I never had to know what that was like. It was tragically beautiful.
I don't know that girl, I don't know her story, I just know that at that moment I wanted to know everything about her, and I wanted to give her a hug. I didn't say anything to her though because I didn't want her to stop dancing.
I'll never forget what it was like watching Florence and the Machine at the Wiltern, the dress malfunction, the electric energy, or singing myself hoarse. I'll never forget how excited I was about Grouplove, buying their EP, and meeting Andrew afterwards (and telling him he smelled good, what?). I also won't ever forget that girl, dancing in the pit.