I'm still trying to get used to my new life. Everything's new. Nothing, except for 2 of the cats, is the same.
I miss going to school. I miss...everything. Sometimes it's easy to get so caught up in missing things and people, that I fail to realize what's in front of me. I was starting to feel defeated, like maybe this acting/modeling thing was just a pipe dream doomed to fail and maybe I threw everything else I ever loved away for nothing. I haven't been this poor since my freshman year of college. I was applying to normal, 9-5, soul-sucking jobs again. I was losing faith...
It always seems to go like this with acting though. Just when you think your passion is going to bankrupt you, opportunity knocks at the door.
Now I have an audition tomorrow. I have a photoshoot this weekend. There will be talent scouts at said photoshoot.
Maybe it's not a lot to most people, but it is to me. You don't have to be famous to act for a living. Everyone has to start somewhere.
It's getting a lot better, but I had been so sad... so I agreed to start anti-depressants again. Unfortunately, they did not react in a good way. They made everything worse. I felt like giving up. It exaggerated any negative thoughts I was having. If you or someone you know suffers from depression and needs meds, it's important to note that sometimes they do make things worse. Luckily I was warned, and luckily I made peace with my brother and we're friends again. He noticed. Sometimes all you need is for someone to notice. It was a rough patch, and I'm getting out of it. Everyone has to get out of it on their own, to some degree. I feel like I have a lot of reasons to be sad, but sometimes there really is no reason. I hope it's situational, and not something I'll have to deal with forever. I was a very happy kid, and a very happy teen, and I just want to get back there again. The Bloggess taught me that depression lies. Sometimes she writes very candidly about her struggle, and she offers encouragement. It's a hard thing to do. Being candid on the internet is a scary thing. People can use it against you. People can judge you for it. The Bloggess puts it all out there anyways, and I love her for that.
So, since I'm on the other side of the dark fog now, maybe I can offer encouragement for someone else.
What works for me when I'm so sad and every little thing seems so overwhelming and I feel like a failure is...my wanderlust.
I think of the places I haven't been. I step out of myself and try to see a bigger picture. I think of the history of this
planet, and all the landmarks I want to touch with my own hands. I think
of how foreign air smells. I remember how I felt on my honeymoon at the Mayan pyramids. I remember my walks around Alster Lake in Hamburg. I
picture myself on the ocean, floating on my back. Just floating. Many people might not know this, but I was a
beach baby. My parents had a timeshare in San Carlos, and we were there every year, without fail, for my birthday (until Alexa was born). Of course I would also tag along any time anyone else in the family went to Guaymas or San Carlos. So it helps me to remember the salty smell, the sound of the waves crashing on rocks. I
remember that time when I was left unsupervised at a new beach. It was
really clean and I had those goggles that covered my nose so I could
swim underwater like a mermaid. I swam out, squirming my way on the
seafloor, when suddenly there was a steep drop. I came up for air and
down I went again to explore. I could feel this cold, cold current coming from this
steep, dark drop. I went down as far as I could. Obviously that
situation could have ended badly, but something scared me and I came
back up. As I did, I thought to myself "I'll be back when I'm bigger. I need to
know what's down there."
I guess...that. I need to know. I need
to know what's out there in the world. I need to know what's on the
bottom of the ocean. I need to know what's under the polar caps on Mars.
I need to know what else is lurking in the rainforests. I need to know how my story ends.
Curiosity might kill me one day, but it's the only thing saving me right now.