Thursday, January 16, 2014

It Felt So Real


Last night I had a dream that felt so real. I don't know why, but my mom has not been in my dreams often.
Maybe it's silly, but it almost felt like she was ignoring me while I was fucking shit up. I was doing the wrong things, on the wrong track, and she would never have stood for that nonsense.
I've had a few dreams in my life that have stuck with me. The first one when I was maybe 4. Two after Austin died. The memories of them are so fresh. Last night was one of those that I will never forget.
I saw my mom. We were in some futuristic looking place, all shiny and cold, but it was full of people.
I was running around trying to find the room where I was supposed to be, and none of them were the right one. I would see my friends, different friends in different rooms, and each time I would think "Okay, he/she is here, so I'm supposed to be here too." Each time I would get sent out of the room with a brisk voice saying "you're in the wrong place."
After the frantic running to several rooms I just stood in the hallway. That's where my mom was. She was just standing there. She wasn't ordering me around, or rushing to anywhere like all the other people. She was just this silent presence. She looked sad... As I burst out of the last room and saw her face, I just started crying. I went to her and she asked me what was wrong. It just made me cry more, and I tried to tell her how I was so anxious, and I was never doing the right thing, and there were all these people who knew what to do except me...and then I just couldn't talk anymore because I was crying and my heart was about to pound out of my chest. So she hugged me. She hugged me so tight and let me cry. I could feel her arms. I could smell her perfume. I could feel her warmth. Then she told me, in her no-nonsense way, that it didn't matter what other people were doing and it didn't matter what anyone else thought. Then I looked up at her face as she told me that the only thing I needed to do right now was to fix my heart. She told me to do whatever I had to do to put my heart back together, and to find peace. And, of course, to ignore other people's words. I curled up into her again, calming down. I knew in my dream that she couldn't stick around so I just let myself feel her presence. No need to explain anything, she just knew how I felt. She knew what to say. She knew what to do.

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