Sunday, January 19, 2014

That Girl

My memories from this summer have a strange quality to them. They're so...thick. It's almost like I can just reach out and touch them.
I know I can never go back to that...but I miss it sometimes. I never thought this would be the case...but I do.
I miss the fearless, reckless, careless girl with the unfinished phoenix tattoo. I miss the girl who resisted sleep (for fear of nightmares) until she passed out on the floor saying hi to her cat when she got home in the morning. I miss the girl who loved to go dancing every night. I miss the girl who wasn't afraid to go have fun by herself. I miss the girl who made friends so easily, and secretly trusted everyone. I miss the girl who could spend all day singing, never once worrying about whether other people could hear her or not. I miss not caring.
That girl is a stranger. I had shut down inside when I realized all of my worst nightmares became my reality, and that girl swooped in to save me. It's like she usurped my body, occupied the hollow shell, and filled it with love and hope for the world. Even though she's a stranger to me once again, that girl was fun. That girl had no worries. That girl had no reservations anymore. I was that girl for a while...and above all else, that girl was free.
Then...The Incident occurred. The Incident was a culmination of many things, but it seems to have had one outcome. It killed the part of me that was that girl...and I'm so sorry about it.
I don't really know how to feel about it, most of the time... That kind of "freedom" came at a price. It sounds like I'm romanticizing it, but I'm not. It's the sort of freedom I wouldn't really wish on anyone.
I'm not sure if I wish I never had to know what that felt like, or if I should be happy that I ever experienced that at all.
I think if I went back in time and had to watch myself live it again, I wouldn't try to stop myself. I wouldn't interfere. Just like the girl at the show so many years ago...I wouldn't dare to interrupt.

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