Monday, June 23, 2014


Don't you think that it's boring how people talk,
Making smart with their words again, well I'm bored,
Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it,
Never not chasing a million things I want,
And I am only as young as the minute is full of it,
Getting pumped on the little bright things I bought,
But I know they'll never own me.

Something has changed. Maybe it's a culmination of a myriad of small changes, but the picture of my life is entirely different now. I think that quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower is true- we accept the love we think we deserve. That said, I think I had the best birthday of my life.I had a mild moment of panic right before midnight on the 19th, when I realized 23 is pretty close to 25, and people are supposed to have their shit together by now. I'm getting there, only now there isn't really room for major mistakes. I have to get things right the first time. All day on the 20th, I felt so appreciated. I felt so loved. Not everyone gets cake on their birthday at my job. I got TWO cakes. I got to blow out a candle. I got sang to. People brought me Starbucks all day long. I got the most gorgeous new dresses, bathing suit, and shoes. Someone got me a coffee maker. A beautiful bouquet of roses was delivered to my work in the middle of the day, and my heart melted. It's the thought behind each gift that matters to me. Every one was so personalized. It's nice when people care about you, and pay attention to everything you say. It's nice when people go out of their way to make you smile. It's nice when someone puts your needs before their own. If you have someone like that in your life, hang on to them. I know I plan to.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Vroom Vroom

It's funny how life works. I always had a plan. I was supposed to be a veterinarian or go to grad school for neurobiology. My life was all about science and love, and I liked it that way. When it all changed, I tried to fight it. I didn't want to accept it. There wasn't anything else that piqued my interest. Old friends gave up on me too. I knew I was the problem, but I didn't care enough to change. Or rather, I didn't know how to. I was miserable and I wouldn't want to be around me either, so it was for the best that I was alone. Sometimes I would wonder why, if maybe there was something else I was supposed to do with my life, and this drastic end to all my old plans was the only way to achieve it. Then I would immediately think I was stupid, there is no higher power guiding my life, we are all alone and our choices make or break our lives. Still though... sometimes it was like the universe was laughing at me, and whispering "Just wait..."
Even, a month ago I had no idea what I was doing. I had a job that I liked and I wanted to get promoted and move to Colorado. The job was just that. A job. I met tons of people every day, but I worked alone. I got fed up when they kept making payroll errors. I looked on Craigslist and there it was. My future.
"Bilingual salespeople".
Did I ever in a million years imagine that I could sell cars? No.
Now that I'm doing it, I wonder why I didn't start sooner. It's not for everyone. The hours are ridiculous. You have to actually know about every car. You have to know how to talk to people. I love it. I've been there 3 weeks and I already made sales alone and with coworkers. It's addicting. I thrive in high stress environments.
I can actually see myself doing this as a career. It's not just a job. We all basically live there, so our teams are like families. What's even more awesome is that my motivation and skills are actually recognized. It's not like I've sold 15 cars in one month, yet, but they all see that I will. I can't wait to prove them right.
Take notes, parents. When you believe good things about a person, they will do anything to prove you right. After my mom died, I had no one left that believed all those wonderful things about me so I stopped believing them myself. I have that again. I have a whole slew of people that believe the best, so now I believe it again too.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Metaphors Taken Literally

My best friend is going through a rough time. She was finally able to get out of Arizona with her child and is creating the ideal life for herself in Colorado. Still, the way her family was reacting to her trying to better herself brings back unpleasant memories for myself. My best friend was depressed, so she went to therapy. That's healthy. She got better.
My brother and I are the only ones who went to therapy when my mom died, and I kept going when all the other shit went down in my life. Still, the stigma is terrible in that culture. Because my brother and I were the only two in the family to be proactive and seek help, we are crazy, right?  Soooo fucking crazy. Just because no one else went, it doesn't mean they wouldn't have benefited. Still though, in that particular culture, if you go to therapy or counseling for any reason (even bereavement counseling) you are crazy to them. They ostrazise you.
Incidentally, this is what also happened to my friend. Her family (also Mexican) found out she went to a couple of therapy sessions, so they ganged up on her because they think she's crazy. The fact that she sought help means she shouldn't have her child, according to her family.
Unfortunately these people (her Mexican family) are the same type of people I had to deal with as well. There is a fucked up cultural barrier there. I'm not being racist when I say this, and I wish it wasn't true, but my family in Mexico has no idea who I am, how Americans live, or why we say the things we say or believe the things we believe. They will take anything you say and attach their own meaning to it, or twist your words. You could say something as innocuous as "the pot called the kettle black", and they'll turn around and tell everyone "oh my god, she honestly believes pots can talk. She must be schizophrenic or something! "
It's a God damn figure of speech. God forbid you use any metaphors on social media or around these kinds of people. They don't have the mental capacity to understand metaphors. They take everything people say literally. Zero critical thinking skills. People at my work will say " I'm a beast!" When they sell a car. If my best friend or I said that around any of our family members,  those family members would turn around and say "SHE THINKS SHE IS A BEAST! INSTITUTIONALIZE HER ASAP!"
They probably can't even connect the dots between examples either. To make this easier to understand, I said "I'm a fucking princess!" to someone who I thought was a friend, and who I (wrongly) assumed would know what I meant. Imagine my surprise when  weeks later my family intervened and informed me that I thought I was (really) a princess. The fuck?  No. People abroad were so kind to me and I wasn't used to it. They were making me (and all the other girls) feel like princesses with their hospitality. I use metaphors and hyperboles quite liberally in conversation.
Anyways, sorry this turned into a mini rant. When there are very real cultural and language barriers between you and your family, shit gets really uncomfortable really quickly. I was shocked when this happened to my bestie. It also made me realize that maybe this type of behavior is way more common than I thought. It's not right, and maybe by talking about it other people won't have to feel so alone. Just remember no one knows what is best for you except yourself, and you shouldn't let others persuade you to do what they would do. Maybe they have a solution that WOULD be better for them, but they don't know what goes on inside your mind and what makes you happy. Only you do.
I love you Ann and I'm so proud of you for creating a better reality for yourself and your adorable babeh. ♡♡♡