The F Word

Fat.

My entire life I always felt fat. Obese even. I noticed how my thighs touched or I would pinch my skin in front of the mirror and just cry because I felt so huge. I couldn't understand it. I ate right and worked out and always the girl in the mirror looked so fat. My ass. My boobs. My thighs. Everything! 

Looking back at photographs, I don't think I have ever been fat. I just didn't believe it though. I wasn't perfect and I wasn't happy with my body.

I just gave birth to my son almost 2 months ago. I felt so comfortable with my body  (usually...) when I was pregnant because I accepted that I was not in control. I could control what I ate but ultimately that baby had to grow, and I had to grow, and I felt adorable with my baby belly. I loved it! In the back of my mind though, I kept thinking "what happens after? What happens if I can't lose the weight? What happens if I have saggy skin and stretch marks?" I didn't want to dwell on it, but I was wondering if I would become very depressed or if I would ever be happy with myself again. 

Well, the fateful day came and I met my son. It was by far the hardest, most incredible thing I have ever done. My body did that. My body created this little boy who stole my heart. My body got him safely out. My body continues to keep him alive with breastmilk. My body, the one I always hated, created and sustains life. 

I am about 8 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and it's more like 18 lbs from my ideal weight. You know what? I have never felt more beautiful. Sure, there are a few stretch marks here and there. Sure, my belly hasn't recovered from having the abs literally ripped apart by my uterus. The scales say this is the largest I have ever been but it doesn't bother me. If I went shopping before and I had to look at larger sizes, I would leave and starve myself until I fit into the smaller sizes again. It would ruin my whole week. The Man just took me shopping for my birthday and I hardly glanced at the tags. If it fit well, I was happy.

My body didn't let me down. It did what it was supposed to do. It bears the signs of bringing my snuggly, sweet boy into the world, and I feel fucking beautiful.
I love my imperfect body.

Sunrise Sunday

If one year ago you told me what my life would be like right now, I would have had you committed to an insane asylum. It would go something like this:

You: "A year from now, you're going to sell cars, and you're going to be really fucking good at it. On your days off you are going to model and be happy with your body. You are going to live in Phoenix and you're going to like it. Oh, and your friends? Just wait. They would jump into a volcano for you if you asked them to."

Me: ::dials 911:: "Operator? Yes, I have a raving lunatic at my house. They are talking crazy. Send help."

It's funny how life changes...very slowly, and then all at once.

........

Here's a sneak peak of my last modeling shoot with Duane Furlong! 

Supergirl

Don't you think that it's boring how people talk,

Making smart with their words again, well I'm bored,

Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it,

Never not chasing a million things I want,

And I am only as young as the minute is full of it,

Getting pumped on the little bright things I bought,

But I know they'll never own me.

Something has changed. Maybe it's a culmination of a myriad of small changes, but the picture of my life is entirely different now. I think that quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower is true- we accept the love we think we deserve. That said, I think I had the best birthday of my life.I had a mild moment of panic right before midnight on the 19th, when I realized 23 is pretty close to 25, and people are supposed to have their shit together by now. I'm getting there, only now there isn't really room for major mistakes. I have to get things right the first time. All day on the 20th, I felt so appreciated. I felt so loved. Not everyone gets cake on their birthday at my job. I got TWO cakes. I got to blow out a candle. I got sang to. People brought me Starbucks all day long. I got the most gorgeous new dresses, bathing suit, and shoes. Someone got me a coffee maker. A beautiful bouquet of roses was delivered to my work in the middle of the day, and my heart melted. It's the thought behind each gift that matters to me. Every one was so personalized. It's nice when people care about you, and pay attention to everything you say. It's nice when people go out of their way to make you smile. If you have people like that in your life, hang on to them. I know I plan to.

Vroom Vroom

It's funny how life works. I always had a plan. I was supposed to be a veterinarian or go to grad school for neurobiology. My life was all about science and love, and I liked it that way. When it all changed, I tried to fight it. I didn't want to accept it. There wasn't anything else that piqued my interest. Old friends gave up on me too. I knew I was the problem, but I didn't care enough to change. Or rather, I didn't know how to. I was miserable and I wouldn't want to be around me either, so it was for the best that I was alone. Sometimes I would wonder why, if maybe there was something else I was supposed to do with my life, and this drastic end to all my old plans was the only way to achieve it. Then I would immediately think I was stupid, there is no higher power guiding my life, we are all alone and our choices make or break our lives. Still though... sometimes it was like the universe was laughing at me, and whispering "Just wait..."
Even, a month ago I had no idea what I was doing. I had a job that I liked and I wanted to get promoted and move to Colorado. The job was just that. A job. I met tons of people every day, but I worked alone. I got fed up when they kept making payroll errors. I looked on Craigslist and there it was:
"Bilingual salespeople".
Did I ever in a million years imagine that I could sell cars? No.
Now that I'm doing it, I wonder why I didn't start sooner. It's not for everyone. The hours are ridiculous. You have to actually know about every car. You have to know how to talk to people. I love it. I've been there 3 weeks and I already made sales alone and with coworkers. It's addicting. I thrive in high stress environments.
I can actually envision this as a career path. It's not just a job anymore. We all basically live there, so our teams are like families. What's even more awesome is that my motivation and skills are actually recognized. It's not like I've sold 15 cars in one month, yet, but they all see that I will. I can't wait to prove them right.
Take notes, parents. When you believe good things about a person, they will do anything to prove you right. After my mom died, I had no one left that believed all those wonderful things about me so I stopped believing them myself. I have that again. I have a whole slew of people that believe the best, so now I believe it again too.

My Summer Wine

"Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time..."

So... I haven't posted in a while. I need to unload some brain vomit.

I have so many plans, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Unfortunately, I have a tendency of making rash and impulsive decisions that end up backfiring and costing me everything, financially and emotionally. Call me crazy, but I think maybe, just this once, I am going to plan. The last time I planned, it also backfired and ruined my life, but this isn't the same. It's more of a loose plan. A rough outline, with wiggle room. I was so eager to go, go, go, get the hell out of here, but I'm ill prepared. It was a possibility with my last job, since they were promoting me and transferring me to Colorado. That was a plan! However, due to issues with payroll (the issue being, they weren't paying me!), I had to leave that job. I was pretty bummed and saw this as a huge setback. Leaving that job is starting to look like something religious people refer to as a "blessing in disguise". I see it as an opportunity to regroup, refocus, and make a solid plan. When I finally do go, I don't want it to backfire. I don't want to come crawling back, depressed and penniless. When I go, I want to have a real chance at life and achieving my dreams.
So, I took a logical step and found a new place to work. The new place happens to be the number one Nissan dealership in the state. My last job was in sales, this one is even bigger sales. The hours are insane, the office is like the car dealership equivalent of Mercy Grace hospital (Grey's Anatomy), but I'm loving it so far. I think my brain was so starved for knowledge, that it doesn't matter that it's cars I'm learning about. It's just happy to be studying something.

From there, all the pieces seem to be falling into place. I am very grateful to my dad for letting me stay here for a few months, but let's be real. I need to move out. The perfect opportunity arose, and come July I will be back in a house in Tempe with my best friends. Even better is the fact that one of these friends has cast me as the female newsanchor in a new ASU film department newscast. It's going to be news for ASU, in the style of Weekend Update from Saturday Night Live. I will obviously update my blog when there is more concrete information. I just know we start filming in August, and the garage has been converted into a studio for this project. Funding has been provided by varios organizations on campus. I am so beyond excited about this. I get to act with one of my old theater pals!

Life has also had a funny way of surprising me lately, in a good way.
For the first time in a long, long, time, I'm not just pretending to be happy or pretending to be excited. I am! I am genuinely pleased with myself, and curious about the future. My last year, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Looking back, I can say with complete certainty that I can survive anything. I depended on myself. I got through it on my own. There will be dark days, everyone has them. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my mom's death. The day, this whole month, is not easy. I don't have a time machine, though. I can't go back and fix anything. Dwelling doesn't help, clearly. The only thing I can do is keep going. People can't help you if you don't want to be helped. They especially can't help you if you don't ask, or if you don't try. I learned that I can rely on myself...but I learned that it's okay to lean on friends during the bad days. Knowing that is priceless.

Be Happy

Why are people so opinionated about other people's lives? Let people do what makes them happy. Your life might be perfect for you, but it's somebody else's worst nightmare.
I can't stand the idea of living in the suburbs with a mortgage, credit cards, a job that doesn't travel...but that's so many people's dream. If that's what you want, go for it. Get it. Just understand that to people like me, that's hell on earth.
I want green, I want animals, I want to travel around the world. My goal is to move to Europe, but in order to do that I need to make sacrifices now. To me, less is more. I don't want stuff. I just want a place where my pets and I can live without stressing about ending up on the street if I don't get my next paycheck on time.
I've been having to rethink everything.  Clearly I need to get out of Arizona for my health. I'm allergic to every native tree and bush. It's causing circulation problems, peripheral neuropathy, and misery. It's not a sustainable life for me here. I always owe at the end of the month.
I talked to an airforce recruiter, so that's still an option.
I also floated out the idea of Colorado to my boss. My company is opening a branch there, and the sooner I go the more likely it is for me to get a promotion.
I even seriously considered living in an RV for a bit, with a minimalist mind set for the next year. Maybe it sounds trashy or ridiculous to you.  I don't care. It sounds like freedom to me. I could cut my expenses to less than $300 a month.  That's including gas to get to work, and food. I could save a lot, pay any debt. I could actually enjoy my time between paychecks and spend time with people that matter. I could write, paint, read all the books, and ride horses. I could afford to go see my favorite bands play. Maybe volunteer at the Humane Society.
Quality of life is more important than how much shit you can buy. Experiences matter more than staying in the (not so comfortable) comfort zone.
I'm ready for more change. I control what direction my life takes. You do too.

P.S. I don't take life advice from people who don't lead the kind of life I desire for myself.

Photo courtesy of an imaginary Twitter friend. :)

The Dancing Dragonflies

The girl lay in an empty apartment, counting the dragonflies on the ceiling and the stars in her eyes. The room, somber and silent, came to life. The patterns were undulating around her, and the still air became restless.  She ignored it,  her gaze transfixed on the ceiling. The wind whispered and sighed, attempting to capture a moment of notice from the starry-eyed girl. She seemed to grow weary, and at last let her eyelids drop. The black oblivion she longed for did not engulf her yet.  Instead, the familiar kaleidoscope of her mind greeted her warmly. A breeze fluttered through the open window, and the wind delivered an echo of sound from a different time to the helpless form on the ground. She heard a clinking of bottles, the sound of a screen door, and unfamiliar laughter. The colors in her mind rearranged themselves into still frames. She saw the door. The sweat forming on the cups. The dark night. The smoke swirling towards a ceiling, before dissolving into the night. Another echo,  different laughter. She recognized this. More still frames,  this time of all of their faces. Her. Him. A cat. Him. A set of fingernails with chipped black polish. That guy's tattoo. Her necklace. Warmth.
At this point the girl tried to open her eyes, but it was as if they had been glued shut. She tried to scream but the sound caught in her throat. Another echo...the same laughter from earlier, but sharper, more defined. The still frames enveloped her body, this time showing her the dripping wax, the ash on the ground, the cuts behind her knees, the aching in her throat. The sparkling laughter still resonated in her mind. It seemed out of place, a sharp contrast to the images, like someone started playing a movie with the wrong soundtrack. The breeze calmed and the scene dissolved. She was back to her familiar view of dancing colors in the darkness of the room.
That's when the girl finally understood.
She opened her eyes.