Monday, August 26, 2013

"Stand There and Watch Me Burn"

"It's okay.
Because I love the way you lie."
"Slutbag". "Bitch". Descriptive words some might use. You can pick which one of you is a little bitch and which one of you is a huge slutbag. Maybe both are both. Who knows. I certainly don't know you.
As you can see from the screenshot of your FB wall/timeline/, she knew that you are married. Clearly she was aware of that little detail, because she posted that NOT EVEN TWO MONTHS BEFORE YOU TWO SAINTS FUCKED EACH OTHER.  My HUSBAND and I were in Europe, celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. With the money my mom had to die to leave me. Sweet, right? Do you know how much guilt I have over how I ended up wasting the money my mother left us? Anyways I gave you sooooo soooooooooooooooo many chances since you started doing the little bitch boy silent treatment and telling people crazier lies or whatever it is you tell them when you aren't talking about me.

This is not right.*** ONE month before you had sex I was still going to have your kid. Seriously. No better than anyone, worse than anyone I know. Especially because it's ME you're treating/treated like this. What the hell? Weren't you so crazy about me and in love and would do anything to "protect and defend" me. Hades did NOT send his wrath. NOT TO YOU. Nothing fucking happened to you. You ditched your only source of concern, me, in EUROPE....then kicked the same source of concern, your wife, out of her home days after she had a miscarriage at 15 weeks. She was in hell at the time. She was in more physical and emotional pain than she could handle. And you made her move alllllllllll of her shit from the past 4 years out of her house. Alone of course because she had no friends by that point.

THEN you went on that vacation that you were supposed to go on with your wife for your 5 year anniversary. OH right, but that was AFTER you had sex with the most horrible bitch I can imagine. I honestly could not ever do that to another woman. How do you live with yourself? It's going to happen to you. OHHHH I hope it does. I take back my previous statement. I would make another woman feel like this, you.
At least the last girl came and told me about it.

Not even 2 months after this screenshot. Before he broke up with me because, oh right, he is too big of a coward to break up with me. He still hasn't. Before I even had a phone again and before he and I could communicate. START to communicate. Everyone told me to leave him alone. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. So that he would have enough time to cool off and then we could talk and start working things out and be fine. I left him the FUCK ALONE during the miscarriage when I fucking needed physical help, emotional support. ANY KIND OF FUCKING KINDNESS FROM ANY OF YOU.

Everyone left me.
Or screamed at me.

That is why I'm all fucked up, crazy, dark, twisted, forever unable to trust or love another human being.

I hate what you people did to me.

Fuck off, everyone who hasn't been there to listen to me. To give me a hug. I hope you die in a fire. I love you, but I also hope you die in a fire.

I'm off.

EDIT @ 5:03a.m. 08. 27, 2013*** to add parenthesis so I don't get sued.Great job on that song Rihanna and Eminem!.... but also to clarify for the dim-witted folk Aunt Petunia's of the world:
Yes. "Jessi" in the screenshot, the girl who posted "I am so worried! Find your wife!!" on May 15th...that's the sweet, honest, kind young woman who was just there being innocent and before she knew it...woops! Sex! Sex is suddenly and without any warning occurring inside of me. hahaha sorry, I crack myself up.  Clearly, none of the blame could possibly be on her. Or him, right? This is my fault, my doing, I totally willed this to happen. Yup, that sounds about right....I'm so sorry you both had to suffer through that... -_-
Furthermore, Jessi's only ever been into women. Ladies. Girls. Fellow vagina-owners. Apparently she recently got out of a very long and serious that started around the same time that mine started with A....hmmmm.....
I'm not mentioning that she's a lesbian as some kind of a character flaw, or to judge her the way a lot of people on this side of the world judge sexuality. I'm just making a factual statement. I make factual statements the majority of the time, and people say I'm an asshole. I most definitely am, but aren't all scientists assholes?
I only mention it to illustrate how ludicrous the sentiment is that their relationship has more inherent value already than ours did. That that one will work out, they'll always be perfect and in love, for years and years, maybe even for forever! They'll fill up 20 or 30 memory chests instead of my measly one chest....Anyways I think we all know I'm kind of into women too. If I decide to sleep with a woman though, let's just say I'm not going to start calling myself a lesbian...because I've only ever been into dudes. I'm straight. If I want to experiment I can, and I will, and hopefully I'll have a ball...but I will want men sooner or later because I was born "straight"... I like relationships with dudes. I like that they already come with I don't believe you choose your sexuality, I believe it is a spectrum, and you should listen to yourself. If you believe in God, then do you believe he would make such a huge mistake, and then repeat his mistake that many times? With humans as well as with other animals?
I don't.
I digress (as usual). Sorry,I'm beginning to suspect you may have to be ADD as well to understand me, ever, haha. So, I love gay people and I hate home-wrecking Bitches. I think that's the main take-home message here.

Luna Romina

Breakable. Breaking. Broken.

The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody) by Taylor Swift on Grooveshark

 Anyways. Yes. Whatever happens, this is your fault. 
I hope you feel guilty.
I hope you feel an ounce of the pain I've felt.
Thanks everyone for denying the existence of the Soybean, thanks for trusting me SO much, thanks for ALWAYS believing me, thanks for TELLING ME THE TRUTH every time I would ask a question. Thanks for making me feel crazy for having emotions when my husband ditched me in Europe. Not only did he ditch me, that would have been fine. I would have had fun alone. No, he ditched me and tossed me to the fucking wolves. I've been trying to defend myself, I've been trying to keep the wolves from ripping my heart out, but I only have so much stamina. One person alone can't fend off a hungry pack of wolves for that long. I'm pretty proud of myself for making it this far. I...don't know how I have. The wolves win. YAY, WOLVES YOU WIN!
Everyone wins.
There are 3 girls who deserve the world. They were on Mill with me the other night. Rather, 2 were on Mill and I had the most adorable, beautiful, loving note from the other one in my purse the whole time. It's kind of like she was there. No one else tries, at all, to get a hold of me. Those girls always manage just fine, even when I'm a total dickface and try to disappear without telling them.
Oh right. I guess they might be the reason I lasted this long. They haven't let me disappear.
All I ever want in life is your company. I don't want your money, or your clothes, or your job, or your life. I just want company. I want to discuss ideas. I want to make jokes. I want to look like an idiot in public and have someone besides me there, laughing at me too...I want someone to help me have fun when I've broken this or that, or got super sick, or whatever. Someone to drive me to get coffee when the anesthesia from surgery hasn't worn off yet, and then maybe drive to the Drama Club elections.  I want someone to yell at me to "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I fucking despise you if you tell me condescending phrases, such as "Go to sleep", "Why don't you get some rest", "Have you slept?", "Have you been sleeping? You should sleep" and oh God.....the words of doom since I was little.... this is the guaranteed all-night anxious wreck/panic-attack phrase: "Go back to sleep".
I'm sure Katie remembers some eventful nights at her house when we were 8....before she caught on and we started staying outside until sunrise. So starting at about 9 years old we were walking the streets of suburbia at night, all night, alone. We were the coolest, dumbest children alive. 
I'm still the coolest and dumbest. Only not really, I'm pretty fucking smart even if you don't  believe my transcript, internships, research, and recommendations. I do dumb things every day. I calculate the risks in my head. If it is like almost guaranteed death I don't do it. If it can hinder ANY of my research or PhD program applications, or deter me from receiving scholarships, it is a resounding 'NO'. Lately, the highger the risk of death the more fun it is. I still won't do anything that might prevent me from proving all of you wrong about the PhD. thing though. I got my education just to throw the diploma in my dad's face and go do acting anyways. I've been imagining this 'revenge moment' in my mind since I was tiny. Yeah, I went into biology because my brother went into sound design 10 years before I went to college and got a B.A. not a B.S.... Since he's such a fuck-up, since he shows a serious lack of ambition and drive, and my parents actually paid for his schooling, I had to go to college and major in something "real".*** Thanks brother.
Okay so I did all this bullshit. Drug addiction research lab. NASA Space grant (EarthScope girl), and got into the research lab of the head of the School of Life Sciences. The man at the top of the School of Life Sciences let me in his lab. That one in particular was tough because it was the year after my mom died. We all know how great the 2012-2013 school year was for me, right? Right?
From June 2012- August 2013.
Holy. Fuck. 
If I had a crystal ball a year ago and was shown what was about to unfold up to this point...I would have taken a few more of those pills I was addicted to and saved myself the trouble. 
When I say I used to be addicted to drugs, I mean opiates. I also do not mean recently....I mean I was addicted to opiates most of the year I was 16. 
and also when I was 17..... Oh yeah I almost forgot those months when I was 18, but those almost don't was prescribed that time. Remember that time? My foot? The boot? Then the other foot...? Yeah.
annnnnd the addiction came back again at 21 from June to September. Fun, fun, fun. Right? Oh right. If you were around me whatsoever in that time period last year, I was most definitely on drugs. Because otherwise no one ever wanted to be around me.
Did you guys think I was happy as a Junior in high school? Did I manage to fool anyone? What about senior year?
Anyways don't worry. I had a therapist, and I told her last year, and she and my then-husband got me through it, and I made the decision to tell all my doctors to say I was allergic to any opiate or opioid on my charts. I don't want a taste. I don't want to feel that ever again because I absolutely prefer feeling like that than feeling sober. No other drugs have ever been better than reality, better than being myself. So...that's what I meant, you idiots, stop telling me to go to sleep. stop telling me to go "get help" or "get better" because that is tooooo fucking vague and as far as I know I am doing everything I should be doing. The only people that don't follow through are the people BESIDES my shrink that I ask for for help. I'm supposed to ask for help, and I do, and I have been every day for the last couple of weeks....people get more mean, people get more distant, people make me want to kill myself every time I ask for help. I want help when I'm tempted to get oxys or something like them. I want someone to BE WITH ME to tell me "No". "Don't". To slap me. Most of all I want a fucking hug. I went months without one, now it's been weeks since a real hug. 
If you tell me to go to sleep one more fucking time, I will go to sleep. 
and I won't want to wake up to face my reality after the beautiful dreams I was having. I won't have to feel the soul-crushing despair I feel when I open my eyes and look next to me. Look around the room. Remember where I am and why. I won't have to just briefly remember how my mother smelled, or how safe I felt with him sleeping beside me. I haven't felt safe since May 5. I can't get any of it back, I can't put ANY of my life back together. Seriously. Every single piece of my life was shaken up and tossed out the window. There is nothing else left to try to salvage. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. 
I failed all on my own, so now I get to deal with the consequences all on my own too.
I'm a selfish bitch. So the next time you tell me to get some sleep, I will get some sleep, I won't want to wake up, and therefore I won't.
Anything is better than this. No. I am not an immediate threat to myself or others. I am typing at a computer. So calm the fuck down and THINK before you act like deranged psychos and fuck up something else. Listen to what I'm saying.
Just. Listen.

***The words written in this shade of pink above do not accurately reflect my sentiments. I know they are ass 

Saturday, August 24, 2013

"That's Her"

Who? Me?
Find me dancing to this. Anywhere, after last night. I'm feeling electric tonight...


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Triangles Are my Favorite Shape

You know Ellie Goulding. 
I'm kind of a huge creep on her, as most inhabitants of the internet know. 
I have also admitted to being a sucker for song lyrics. I's bad. <3

I need to know the lyrics to any song before I can even begin to judge whether I like the song, or whether it is "good". 
Shitty lyrics? Shitty song. I do like a lot of shitty songs, too, don't worry. I listen to some terrible fantastic music during trying times.
Please don't judge how shitty it looks here.
 Definitely getting it touched
up when I go in to color my Phoenix.
Maybe I will put some maroon in this one too.
I don't need to though because Ellie Goulding's songs are magnificent. Her lyrics. I just feel like...ahhh it's a mind fuck. Like this, this, this red triangle thing! THAT'S the only time I thought I was truly gone mad, lost my marbles, went off the deep end. When I listened to the first CD again and kept picking up on every. thing. I finally understood every song. it all made sense. Some of the phrases she used were things I had heard come out of my own mouth, that month. Which also makes sense considering I listen to them so much, but you know. They were not on my mind when I was trying to explain my insane(ly awesome) thought process and the skeleton of a plan that was beginning to form in my mind in Switzerland. I just couldn't find adequate words. I still can't. Ellie can, though. I had the UK edition of her first album- Bright Lights- in my red car Fiona, then transferred it to my sexually ambiguous Prius named Reagan. So I had that as my go-to CD for years. 
I have been trying to figure out what the hell my triangles meant. They came back. I filled pages! I remember the red ones too at the start of 2008....ahhh already flooded with thoughts, I need to go roam around for a bit. I'm too excited! This is what Ellie said in an interview about her red triangle tattoo...which I didn't know she had. I have a triangle, the deathly hallows symbol.

There it is, sneaky tat!
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
-Albus Dumbledore to Harry
 to keep Harry from returning to the Mirror of Erised
and staring, wishing, hoping, pining for his family that he would never get back.
British singer and songwriter Ellie Goulding has only one tattoo. Her tattoo is an outline of a triangle on the inside of her right wrist. Ellie loves triangles and she explained “Triangles are my favourite shape, three points where two lines meet.” Ellie Goulding fans might be aware of her love of triangles from her song “Wish I Stayed,” in which she sings 
“Why do I always draw triangles instead of the words this paper so deserves?”
She told GQ magazine “I got a random tattoo the other day. It’s a red triangle, which makes everyone think I’m arty, which I’m not. I used to draw red triangles all the time. It must mean something — maybe I don’t know it yet. But I’ll figure it out.”

My Phoenix is on its' way. It still needs...all the color. 
I am waiting for the opportune moment.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Really Like Explosions

It's just...fiscally way more responsible to run away again to Hamburg. Like I and.....LOUDLY! HAMBURG MAKES MORE SENSE FOR MEEEEEEE hahaha yeah I'm throwing a temper tantrum basically, because I'm 3.  I will continue to repeat this info often and loudly. Why'd you all bring me here? To yell at me then abandon me, then ignore me, then yell at me, then ignore me, then try to abandon me, then shout to anyone who listens about the Luna-tic? I love it. Original. This is the BEST practice I could ever hope for if I want to "make it" in LA. Fake it 'till you make it, honey. I want to go do the whole conquer-Europe thing first though. I mean, I already bought the expensive winter clothes...and the shoes..don't forget the shoes*....

*ninja edit: and the plane ticket....bahahaha 
I mean shoes and coats are obviously more necessary for transporting myself and the Fry Catso to Germany than a plane ticket is.       -_^

My mind is in the clouds after my fucking incredible night...which of course I won't tell you about yet. Maybe later. Gotta keep you intrigued somehow!
I'm....just going to stop now...before I say something embarrassing  ;)


Explosions by my Future Wife Ellie Goulding.
You trembled like you'd seen a ghost
And I gave in
I lack the things you need the most, you said where have you been
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried
I've fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I've loved and I've lost
I've loved and I've lost

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me and I lost my faith in everything
The nights you could cope, your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
'Cause it's simple darling, I gave you a warning
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you, in slow motion
I pray that you will find peace of mind
And I'll find you another time
I'll love you, another time

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


Seriously? Break up with me in person. Grow a pair, and come do it. Before you go back to fucking. You Are Ending a it Supposed To Be Pleasant? It makes you "uncomfortable" to have to see me to end our marriage!!!! I'm glad it's just a bit of unpleasantness for you. It makes me want to shoot myself, claw my heart out of my chest so I can squeeze the life out of myself and make it stop hurting. I am told I am not supposed to do that. Fry, if you want me dead so badly, and hate me so fucking much, and I was so horrible to you for five years, and I was just the worst wife and girlfriend on the planet, then kill Fry. Then I can go in peace. While she lives I can't abandon her. I know what it feels like to get abandoned. I don't want to put anyone through that. Even a cat. Do something. Shoot her, shoot me, break up with me, DO SOMETHING. Stop choosing inaction. I want to leave and you are NOT LETTING ME. Let. Me. Go. Or tell me you won't. Something needs to happen before I really do go blow my fucking brains out, because of you. You make me crazy, love makes us fools. Isn't that the premise of every song ever?
It clearly won't work out. Not because I didn't try. No, I do not want to be married to you if that's all it takes for divorce. WE WERE BEST FRIENDS. You were friends with ALLLLL of your exes. Be friends with me. *yes I want you in my life forever, but I can't be around like this, and simply put you don't want me. You haven't wanted me for a long time. I understand. I don't like it. I understand. At least be a mature, adult man, who was old enough to propose marriage. Be mature enough to have a conversation. Tell me the truth when you speak to me. Answer my questions directly, don't beat around any bushes.* Bon soir mon petite pomme de terre.

True Love <3 the kind Pink sings about though..haha

Last day together.
This one is just to see who is paying attention.
Text me the word "Tangelo" if you saw this, anyone. ;)

Monday, August 19, 2013

James Dean: I Know Your Wife and She Wouldn't Mind** Now with some Lyrics

** previously: James Dean & I Are: Assholes, Better Than You, Classy as Fuck

Oh yeah, this is for you darling.
Listen to this one, on repeat...until you know all the lyrics.
You know I like to keep it classy...I mean, think of the night we were in the Riviera Maya and I wore that black dress to the dinner and show...remember that AWESOME movie that was on when we got back to the room? I missed a bit when I went to get that expensive-but-actually-free souvenir lighter.
It  sure was a pleasant surprise that they sold Monsters there; those nights were my favorite.  ^_^

We have always been so classy, just friend. Let's keep hanging out and not telling anyone about how much fun we secretly have.

Tangelo. Better late than never. Until next year make up your mind. Friends means friends. No contact until _______(date) means no contact until then, but I need to leave in that case.

*edit at 10:13 pm because I suck at wording. ;)
Lyrics added on August 19, 2013.
We can escape to the great sunshine.
I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind
We made it out to the other side [3x]
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, baby.
I fall asleep in an American flag
I wear my diamonds on skid row
I pledge allegiance to my dad
For teaching me everything he knows

Harvey's in the sky with diamonds and he's making me crazy (I come alive, alive))
All he wants to do is party with his pretty baby

Come on, baby, let's ride,
We can escape to the great sunshine.
I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind
We made it out to the other side [3x]

Drugs suck it up
Like vanilla icies
Don’t treat me rough,
Treat me really niceys

I fall asleep in an American flag
I wear my diamonds on skid row
I pledge allegiance to my dad
For teaching me everything he knows
Harvey's in the sky with diamonds and he's making me crazy (I come alive, alive))
All he wants to do is party with his pretty baby

Come on, baby, let's ride,
We can escape to the great sunshine.
I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind
We made it out to the other side [3x]

Drugs suck it up
Like vanilla icies
Don’t treat me rough,
Treat me really niceys

Harvey's in the sky with diamonds and he's making me crazy (I come alive, alive))
All he wants to do is party with his pretty baby
Come on, baby, let's ride,
We can escape to the great sunshine.
I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind
We made it out to the other side [3x]

Drugs suck it up
Like vanilla icies
Don’t treat me rough,
Treat me really niceys

Come on, baby, let's ride,
We can escape to the great sunshine.
I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind
We made it out to the other side [3x]
Drugs suck it up
Like vanilla icies
Don’t treat me rough,
Treat me really niceys

Drugs suck it up
Like vanilla icies
Don’t treat me rough,
Treat me really niceys

Come on, baby, let's ride

As Promised, In the Morning pt. 1

While in Hamburg: "You're not the only one who sings how they feel...
There's a reason I can't stop watching this video..."



"Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts"

"I can't quote you Shakespeare but I do my best to make my own."
- A  

EarthScope. Social Media. Get on it!
Uhhh....I INVENTED the Gwen Stacey look!
Went to the research lab from an audition that day.

  • In Europe you ignored me, refused to speak to me on the phone, AND how many times did I ask to meet you somewhere? And why did I end up paying for our vacation yet you got to stay at the place that I arranged to stay for free while I was banished from that city because you were there and I hurt your feelings over a post on Facebook; a post which I discussed with you thoroughly in Switzerland. I wanted to MAKE DAMN SURE we were on the same page about what I meant by the word "divorce". It had nothing to do with splitting up. It was easier for immigration if we went anywhere besides Mexico. So to go ANYWHERE in the EU, including England which we could have discussed, visited, and chosen.We would divorce in the USA, then do the whoooole getting-married-again thing that I talked about. First, I didn't know if you even wanted me so I gave you the heartbreaking choice of whether you wanted me or not. That was the first day when I left you. That had nothing to do with our trip, and everything to do with the gradual change in you, especially the last two or three months in Tempe, and how shitty you treated me when you used to treat me like royalty. You treated me badly at the end. Kind of how you treat me just weren't as out in the open about it I guess and now occasionally you decide to stop ignoring me and answer a few things before you go back to ignoring the problems. The elephants in the room. 

  • Why did you stop treating me like....your wife?....or even like you would treat a girlfriend? I have never disliked your friends. I disliked how you act differently around some of it is NOT just me who sees it, a ton of people do. It's a very obvious shift in personality from "Awesome" to "Asshole". started treating your friends better than me. You started caring about them and for them and going out of your way to do nice things for your friends, acquaintances I would say at that point, than you would for me.  Remember when you talked to C about how he was being a careless idiot and was going to lose ANOTHER amazing girl? I was hoping you would listen to the words coming out of your own mouth, and maybe stop and reflect. "Hmmmm this sounds an awful lot like what I'm treating my wife like". I don't know we never talked about it because you left me in another country. I went down to breakfast so you could pack up or do whatever, then I was going to be going back up, and after we were  going to be leaving on the train that left an hour later TOGETHER, but I suggested different train compartments since you were acting so strange and seemed so distraught....confusing to me but I couldn't say much without a voice and I honestly was super happy because we were together. We were a couple. There would be no divorce for any reason because I couldn't imagine going through that even on paper. I say things all the time o facebook, mostly all jokes, purposefully misleading, lies, etc. It's fun, Faebook isn't real. Needed it to get in contact with Saskia though, and I had already messaged saskia and everything I'm pretty sure telling her when we would be there. If you were in contact with her whatsoever during that time  or before the trip, I had no idea. Then my phone locked me out, I didn't know my PUK, so even though it had not been stolen yet, I had no phone.
  •  Anyways, I figured once we talked and after our travels, if we didn't find an area where we would consider living, then we would definitely remain married so you can get the job experience and awesome life available to us at a moments notice in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for a little while. Available to YOU only because it is available to ME with dual-citizenship. You remember Puerto Vallarta...Hollywood stars retire to's a better version of Hawaii that's not an island. Although we can have an island if you want.  lololol no, not crazy, I'm just saying HYPOTHETICALLY we could have an island. Fuck that though. Beach house! My aunts friend kept bothering her recently to go see his new house on his new island and she was just so over having to go see people's islands. Hahaha. I'm super upset my dad just kept refusing to give me her phone number or I would have called her back in March when we first thought of putting the Puerto Vallarta plan into action this July. Sorry a lot of this was not explained or discussed in person whatsoever even...but man...we had just barely started talking...and no voice I was NOT talking about anything important, remember? Why do you think I haven;t left you alone? Because YOU NEVER HEARD WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BEFORE I LEFT YOU ALONE. I suggested leaving you alone. not you. You didn't ask for ANY of this. That's what I meant by THIS ISN'T A REAL DIVORCE AND I DON'T THINK ANTHONY HAS ANY IDEA WHY. Or oh did the 20-30 people who stuck their noses in to "help" just not contact you? Oh they didn't give you any of my messages? No? people suck.
  •  REMEMBER?!?! I kept writing that I did NOT want to try to discuss it until I could speak. I had no voice the days we were together. The days that were wasted. Wasted, wasted days on not our vacation. I was bleeding money and did not give two fucks yet because if it all ended with me and you happy and living on our own, alone, ANYWHERE in the world, it was worth it to me. It seemed to me like every time we talked, then went back inside, your attitude would shift and it was worse instead of better? I might just be  a crazy girl though. Insane. Lost her marbles. Haha "I lost my head...when I fell in love with you." I'm Michael Scott in female form I guess. 
  • Anyways,  point of that stupidness is that I...fell in love with you again dude. The words that came out on our anniversary shocked me, because idk I didn't realize how distant we had been...until we weren't. Until I wasn't being distant anymore. In Europe I was going mad, losing my fucking mind day in and day out because all I wanted was to talk to you, to go to wherever you were, and no one was letting me and no one was telling me why they weren't letting me.Your method for ending it was to just ignore me until I went away. Ignore problems until you don't have to pass one "uncomfortable" moment. So you were married and had not given me the courtesy to tell me you were done and completely 100% fine and "over it" by May 16. Wow. You told me in August. You already had a new 'main squeeze' and I was honestly disgusted with the way you said you were the first man she's been with. I mean that right there. You value that more than....anything. Virgin pussy  >  fame, liquor, love, drugs, marriage, family, baby, travel, life...That, or you were trying to make me jealous. I didn't tell you about all of the guys that have taken me out or come over and "spent the night", technically. We spend it outside, by the pool, conversing about love and life. I made a few amazing friends. They all know about you. They try to help me figure my shit out. I help them figure their shit out. Because every single person has something to figure out and there are a lot of lonely people in cities. I'm finding them. I'm making friends and networking and when I go to Mill I get free drinks almost everywhere now, I get to cut lines, I never pay a cover. I make my dancing attract people. I invite people out. I do dance with non-creepers and maybe flirt, because I am there for free! Mutually beneficial relationships. Symbiotic, in biology.  But you just went for it. It has to be sex=love for you or something? Is that what it is? You think sex and love are linked somehow? Snap out of THAT haha.
  • I think there's support groups for that kind of erratic, unstable behavior. Yes logical, cold, calculating behavior or words in certain situations, like this situation, are in reality very alarming behaviors...exactly when the alarm bells SHOULD be ringing for most people. Oh right most people that study this stuff. She's a lesbian, which would be awesome...if you were a female? Haha. She's the same one you went to "visit" when you cheated on me the first time in October 2008.  You were upset we broke up, I imagine. Well that you thought we broke up. That you wanted it that way. You're the first male she's engaged in sexual intercourse with and you two are going to be together forever and ever and ever and be live super happily ever after. Lol. 
  • "Just go to Berlin then", "leave" "go back to your friends in Berlin" or whatever I said exactly in Cologne...If you had explained the  whole story, the context, remember the words you said before I woke up and we started fighting and I said that....then maybe, tovsomeone looking at the situation objectively,well not anyone but SOMEONE who has succesfully maintained a relationship with a female, over many many years, they would have told you then and now that clearly if a woman says what I said after you told her what you told her, it means SHE WANTS YOU TO SAY SOMETHING TO SUGGEST YOU WANT HER WITH YOU. "I don't want to leave" or "I want you to come with me" or "please come with me" or "I will only leave if you'll see me there" or ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING besides "okay!"  My cousin barged in  before I had your answer to me telling you to "just go back to Berlin, then" She went in to tell us to go talk outside because even speaking at a normal volume in those rooms, the sound carried too much...But I saw her and I cried, and  I went in her bathroom. I ran after you when I realized you ACTUALLY LEFT ME THERE, right after we had a FIGHT... No, right in the middle of a fight!!! A piece of me died. My world...imploded some more. After that nothing makes sense to me. Remember how we had a rule that we would NEVER go to bed angry? Remember how well that worked for us  for 4.5 years of our ridiculously happy lives together, until...we went to bed angry?I'm pretty sure I immediately sent you a message which I will find if you want me to. I'm sick of finding proof for these things only to have the story changed on me and having to go find proof to support my side of ANY of it when all it is is different experiences. No right or wrong. Every person perceives the world DIFFERENTLY than any other person on the planet.  Differences are fun, not bad, and should be discussed.I sent dozens more messages...and emails... and I messaged saskia and tried texting and calling and begged everyone to call you or find out a number for me to call you at, all so I could apologize and go to you and hear your fucking voice. You ignored me. You ignored your pregnant wife. I needed help, I couldn't move around a lot and I kept falling asleep on trains. I mean every single time I got on public transport I fell asleep unless I stood the whole time haha. That was the last week there; it was intense sleeping.  When I finally asked you enough times whether you wanted to be involved with YOUR.BABY, or not, and that it was fucking FINE if you didn't believe me but to just TELL ME THAT so I could leave you alone and stop STRESSING about it, you said, "when I believe you are pregnant i will answer that question." Wow. You couldn't have pretended at least to not be THAT guy that you criticize so much? You didn't even text me back the night before at around 10-11pm when I told you something was wrong "with the pregnancy". When I got myself to Urgent Care in the am they did some tests but when they saw that yes I was pregnant and yes I was bleeding and in immense pain they made me go to the Emergency Room. I sent you a picture from the first place, from East Valley Urgent Care that said everything that was happening, and along with the picture I attached I asked "now do you believe me fucker?" Keep in mind the remaining piece of my life and soul was drying at that moment.
  •  You replied "no". That was June 6th.  I did not speak to you after that for a long time. I wonder why?!?!?!?! A few days later you were kicking me out. Telling me to get out of your house. I have the text. "Get out of my house".... I paid rent. I had nowhere to go except to the ONE PLACE ON THE FUCKING PLANET THAT MY THERAPIST HAS INSISTED I DO NOT GO BACK INSIDE OF- THE HOUSE WHERE I WATCHED MY MOTHER DIE. 
  • Don't pretend you are a better person than anyone. I say "get off your high horse" because you pretend to do things "for" me. To "make it easier". Make what easier exactly? I say I want to go on a walk and you get mad and say no, and I ask why, and you say "you can't walk". Really? Really?!? That did not concern you in Europe when I was pregnant and would get stranded and have to walk on my blistered as fuck feet. Nope, didn't matter back then. It didn't matter when I got back and had to pack what I physically could or couldn't do. I just had to do it all alone. I've had to do everything all alone since May, so when I say something I am well aware of everything my statements imply. You don't have to point out the obvious, I'm not confused. You have absolutely no right to say what is good for me, what is bad for me, what is healthy for me or what is unhealthy for me, when you have no idea what the alternatives are, how I feel, how my body feels.I'm covered in burns because I can't fucking feel it.  NOT saying I purposefully burn myself. The cigarette touches my skin. It lingers, I don't pull away in a knee-jerk reaction anymore. I'm like "oh warm la de la de da" ...4 seconds later..."oohhh that's going to leave a scar"
  • I didn't have a phone or a vehicle and I told you that always,repeated it often. I was allowed to drive for the first time July 9th. I did not get a phone until July 12 or 13th. I know it was AFTER I "stole" my dad's truck on July 10 to find a place to move into that day, then packed all my shit in the middle of the night and moved out before the men woke up and went psycho killer rage on me for "making up my own rules". You continued to ignore me and if you responded to anything it was to say I was crazy/insane/delusional or just the worst things you could think of. I didn't know we were over. I didn't know we were broken up. We did not discuss ANYTHING AT ALL until the first time we kind of hung out. I remember I asked you that day if you had a girlfriend. You laughed it off. I knew you were lying. I knew you were lying and that also it wasn't really that important to me right then. I had to try to convince you I'm not totally crazy over you, over whatever. Nutso. Not the kind of nutso my family thinks. Oh yeah and I had to make sure I cut them permanently out of my life before even telling a soul how I truly felt, and feel. I didn't know you supposedly do not love me any more and have not since the middle of May. You keep telling me and telling me and driving it into my head. That was the day it all ended for you and you threw it in the trash? You stopped loving me on May 16. 
  • You get really mad when I question how you can possibly say that or get mad if I decide to be crazy upset with you. I was right. I was right. You never ever cared or loved me, not the way I love you, if you felt nothing, absolutely nothing, after Cologne. Still today(few days ago now) you refused to look me in the face and break up with me. Look me in the eyes and tell me everything, tell my why and how our marriage is over. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me how I fucked it all up... Not looking at the light rail people but at me. So your method for ending a 5 year relationship and a MARRIAGE that yes, we both wanted to keep the last time we spoke in May. That was the last time you said anything about it to me. The wife. The other person in the 2 person marriage. Maybe 2 weeks ago, it was in August,  you sent me a message to tell me you don't love me anymore, our marriage didn't count because I cried too much last summer over my  dead mommy, and that YOU, yes, YOU wanted a divorce and were getting it. 
  • Great, so why didn't you say that...the last 3 months or believe the 100s of emails and messages where I say I love you and don't want a real divorce and that I need healthcare and you made too much? No clearly the ONE time the ONE DAY I said I wanted a divorce and that we were depressed and maybe some time apart was all we believe that instead.
  •  Something else I would love to clear up...for the world. The only reason I need to clear anything up is because you told people I one calls me a liar.
  •  March. Remember the two solid weeks when we had sex at least twice a day without any form of protection ? Yeah remember that?  Oh god trying not to think about it too hard because....fuck..hahahaha hahahahahaha
  • That was a fun  fun fun two weeks. Why did we have unprotected sex? Because it was fun, fun, fun
  • I think that's when I stopped speaking to my friends, I was having way more fun indoors...under the sheets. hahaha.
  • Then ...I got the positive pregnancy tests. Freaked. Told you from under a blanket to hide my shame/panic/ongoing heart attack, which was all written in my face. I remember how I came home from work that night to a house full of candles, the rooms flickering and lit entirely with candle light,you had your guitar out and played for me and the micro soybean and we got really excited about moving to Puerto Vallarta and being able to FINALLY live alone together in our own place without roommates...and we had amazing job opportunities and a fun fun fun life in store. You were going to really learn Spanish and when we came back to the U.S. to live (Colorado), then you would have valuable marketable skills and experience. Same with me and the dolphins. My pregnant posts on Reddit are still there for anyone to see from that time. I mean I remember every detail of that night in March, Anthony. Maybe you remember SOMETHING. I have a picture of you with Archer and the guitar. I was so happy and thanks to you I knew everything would be fine and this crazy freakout was avoided entirely.
  • "I love you more than those bitches before". I love you, that does not go away for anyone after 5 years, and when I say that that's all it means. It just means I love you. I love a lot of people and a lot of things that aren't mine. I said different things to you when you were mine that were just yours.I love you is cheap, it's public, but it's real too! ^_^ I DONT try to forget  about you by not talking about you, and guess what else darling? I know you better. We spent 5 years attached at the hip. You're way different now and you've been this way for a while. You..became  yourself again that day with the candles. I think THAT guy is still in there hiding. The one everyone who used to be your best friend remembers and the guy I was with since the day I turned 17 until SHORTLY before my 22nd birthday. I know you forgot this year but I'm 22 now. I am still your wife and I'm sure that's super thrilling for you thinking you're sneaking around? With that respectable young woman. Just don't get this one pregnant! In fact do not get anyone pregnant. There are enough kids with daddy issues and they turn into completely batshit insane crazy losers like me. see you like tomorrow probably. Or whenever you decide to answer this or whenever you decide you want it taken down. I told you, you had like 4 full days. You spent all night trying to fight me anyways so I don't understand why you preferred that. I do understand, thanks to my major, but I love to play dumb because I need to hear people tell me. I know you stopped reading because you are scared just like you were scared to see me or talk to me or go to counseling with me or alone. So, what are you scared of, crazy?
  • You already had your girlfriend , had already fucked her, coincidentally on the first day that I was at my new place. I did not ask you for help or tell you because I wanted it to look organized, pretty, beautiful the first time you saw it....fuck me right? By then you had made her your new play girl thing. She's a lesbian, the same one you went to "visit" when you cheated on me ,  you happen to be married,  annnnd  somehow you think she's better than me at taking care of herself? Lesbian fucks married man secretly (while his wife recovers from a miscarriage). Are you blind? Someone (else) is definitely getting hurt in THAT situation. Or maybe not, since no one has feelings here, right? She's so great at life, so Is that why she lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in Arizona? Lol. I always liked the middle of buttfuck nowhere towns and you insisted you needed your "culture" so you didn't want to move to northern az when I suggested it. I was no longer suggesting it, but do you remember my "ToDo" lists that said "BEARS" and "Remember bears!" and stuff? Yeah...there are a few places I was applying to work at, and one was an internship...all in northern start now, this fall....WITH FUCKING BEARS!!!! I was so excited but you KNOW I don't like to say every time I apply to something or audition for something, because then I have to let people down when I don't get that job or this gig or the NASA internship...oh wait...  :P
  • ALL GOOD THINGS I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IN APRIL. And in May. Totally irrelevant now that I am not planning my life around your needs and  wants.  You will be happy working in a warehouse until that job falls through and you go to the next warehouse as some bitch slut's novelty/science project right?  No I am not ridiculing you. If you have a better plan I would love to hear it. That's why I's okay to say "I don't want to talk about it" but you don't say that ever. Oh yeah, she's a Bitch,  capital B, because she has to be in order to put her own sexual pleasure before the LIVES and EMOTIONS of other, very real human beings. I mean seriously. Saying "no" is NOT that hard. Go to Mill, say "fuck me," and someone will surely oblige, honey! No need to go fucking married men, although it was probably because it was all forbidden. Only it wasn't forbidden honey. It was encouraged by me. So, since I encouraged it... why did I turn down my guys for good ol' sex this whole time? Why not take advantage of our breakup thing? I did not want to complicate things, I did not want to confuse myself, I thought after 5 years maybe you should get a few months, and I'm not a filthy whore, or a slut, or a cheater. Then honestly once I found out...I realized well shit. I really am still in love because I...physically, literally, mentally...can't be with anyone else. GREEEAAAAT. Way to go, Luna!   -__-    I was bettering myself. I worked through stuff. Then. This. You had a good life...people liked you...because you were responsible and a hard worker and you were witty and hilarious and ambitious and driven and excited about life and social and just generally a happy and optimistic person/like me/. Then you/we started spending...100 a week on drugs. I was spending some money on weed too...but in my life I spent...a small fraction of the total. More like you/we spent $600per month on DRUGS, give or take a few hundred. In 2 days I spent with you recently, I watched you spend like $100 the one day, and I know it was at least $160 for the first things, right? Or was it more, I mean did you drug more of your girlfriends to have sex with you then, too? Oh, and you're unemployed?!? Where is this fiscal responsibility you always preach about?  But you had the balls to tell ME that I can't budget? Hahaha please. It's super funny, because I had 10K in the bank for our move (whether it was to CO, Mexico, Germany, Australia, whereeeever), a 2008 Prius that was always paid off,  AND my degree is almost complete...well I have like 3 that are almost complete, but I will graduate with a degree that I was paid 20K+ per year to earn. My Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Biological Sciences....already earned my over 85K since I started school 4 years ago. All on my own. Last time I checked no one does my work for me and no one applies to hundreds of scholarships and internships for me. So, not only was my education education paid my rent and bills and gas and stuff for 4 years. That's why I paid rent in 6 month increments.  That left me with enough time to focus on passing these monstrous classes, maintain above a 3.5GPA,  AND to work on networking. Nothing gets done if you don't network. I wouldn't get into grad school if I didn't have a network. I wouldn't get into the best grad schools if it wasn't for my 2+years in Dr. N's drug addiction research lab....and for my year working with the most incredible mentor at...that one internship...what was it called...hmmm...something about space,  maybe earth was involved and like some rocks. and fossils and was the national aeronautical something something....I did the social media for EarthScope  as part of it, and I got to do.... tons of cool shit I'm not about to tell you now. I tell people I played with fossils. True, I certainly  got to play with fossils. That's not all!!!  I also made  lots of coffee... ;)
    I was getting a little bored looking at the same amethyst every day

Tell me one time you have apologized for anything. One time you have said "I love you" including in Europe. The whole time. From landing. One time you said to me "I dont want you to leave" or "I dont want to leave you" or "please don't go"
"don't go"
"don't' leave me
don't file for divorce (notice I didn't file...)
don't get on the plane
don't get on that other plane
don't gp away without a kiss goodbye
don't be scared
don't be worried
don't be so terrified
don't be so sure
don't be so sad
don't talk to me
don't look at me
don't remember me

Oh? Right. You never said any of that. I didn't say any of that either.

You never said the word "DON'T" until last week. 
It helped tremendously. I don't.
But then? You promised me you would come back. In an hour, You did! You made me promise you I woukld stay here. I did. I stayed and put on makeup and better clothes.  You promised me you would return, that you would stay here and help me in the simplest way, by being in my presence for 20-30 minutes. Hanging out. Going on a walk. Calming. Down.
Returning to normal.
 Instead you came back, left shit at my door, and text me after. 

I told you so

But. There is more to both sides of the story. There are always two sides. Clearly I fucked up A LOT too. It was not our fault. It was not your fault. It was not my fault.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry,

Sometimes love is not enough, 

and the road gets tough I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get highThe road is long, we carry onTry to have fun in the meantime
-Born to Die

Rats! Cocaine time!