Saturday, November 30, 2013

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


::gets hacked::
::disjointed nonsense sent to friends and family::
::gets labeled insane::
::buys a plane ticket::
::works ass off for 5 months::
::moves to England::
::illegally marries a redhead::
::finds out he's a Prince::
::hilarity ensues::

So, that's my new novel summary so far. I understand that what I am writing is fiction! Fiction means fake! That's what writing with your imagination produces!

On a completely unrelated note, I have decided my future...well, a small part of it. After much thought, therapy,  and deliberation...I decided that to make things easier on myself I will be using my already-purchased Lufthansa ticket to move to London, England! I don't know how long I will be there for. At least for the long, summer months. By that point I'll probably have made new friends and found new people to call family, and I'll love my, maybe I'll stay there forever, or hop around countries visiting aaaallllll my cousins. I met with my acting agent, Ruth, yesterday and it went incredible! I love her and the actor community soooo much. She even said Dustin considers me a little sister, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yes, these are real human beings whom I have interacted with since I was like 15 and auditioned for her for the first time (didn't get in until I was 18 and had gone through a crash course in commercial acting from Sandy Gibbons at John Robert Powers). They, and my dreams, are not figments of my imagination. My resume is not a figment of my imagination. The people who I met this summer when I stayed out for like a month are not figments of my imagination. You want their info, I've got their cards motherfuckers.

Have a nice day! ^_^

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Rose, The Hummingbird, and the Astronaut.

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl named Rose. She had a hummingbird that hummed around her in the lush flower gardens of her youth. She didn't have any siblings, her and the hummingbird lived in the garden and greeted visitors enthusiastically. Rose was bubbly and easily amused,  so she was able to entertain the visitors and she befriended everyone. None of the visitors ever stayed for very long. When she was very small, Rose used to cry and cry because she was filled with grief and longing for her friends and cousins who came and went. Everyone enjoyed their time in the garden, but they always had to go back to their own lives. Rose yearned to go with, sometimes grabbing their legs and begging them to stay and the strangers would politely remove her from their legs and tell her "big girls don't cry, goodbye now Rosie".
The hummingbird noticed how little Rose hurt and heard her cry. The hummingbird decided to fill Rose with dreams, something greater than the people who would always have to leave. So...with the help of the hummingbird, Rose learned to ride a bike. She was so insecure and so scared the hummingbird would leave her, and she made the hummingbird promise to never let go. They went back and forth several times, Rosie refusing to get on the bike until the hummingbird promised again, and again, "I won't let go!"
Finally, Rose got on the bike, the hummingbird let go...and...Rose didn't crash. She rode a long ways before she realized no one was holding her, and then she started crying when she realized she was alone...and crashed. The hummingbird caught up, trying not to laugh, and told her "you were flying too fast for me, I lost my grip." Rose threw a fit and cried and sulked and vowed she would never forgive the hummingbird.
The next day, she was on the bike again. Eventually she realized the hummingbird wasn't teaching her to ride a bike, it was teaching her to fly. Rose didn't have wings, she didn't look like a bird, and certainly didn't feel like one, but she zoomed around on her bike. She raced the wind down the winding path she knew so well and then raced back in terror time after time to find the hummingbird laughing. "I'm so proud of you!" always awaited at the end of her mad dashes of freedom. There were no reprimands, no belittling words, only love.
One day Rose was watching a play with her birdie, and the bird could tell she was getting worked up over something. Rose had that look she gets when she's piecing something together. A mixture of determination, anger, and...a kind of glazed look, like she's seeing something really far away. The bird hummed around her face until Rose snapped out of it. She looked at the bird and said, "why can't I be the one on the stage looking at all the pretty lights?"
The bird was perplexed, and worried. She had worked so hard to build Rose's confidence over the years and she knew that it would take one tired comment to throw it all in the trash. Rose was fragile, breakable, too little. The hummingbird wasn't about to let her put herself at risk for harsh criticism and disappointment, so she said "Rose, they are acting. They don't let you do that unless you can make yourself cry on command." The bird thought this was a simple enough explanation, and enough to deter Rose's curiosity. Rose put her head down and covered her face for a moment and looked up at the bird with tears streaming down her face. No one said anything for a long, tear-filled, agonizing minute. The silence and stares of onlookers were suddenly pierced by Rose's laughter. "I CAN CRY! I CAN CRY!" she screamed, beside herself with glee.
A resounding ::gulp:: came from the bird.

-to be continued-

Saturday, November 23, 2013


Okay so...I know I'm an actor because when I announce that I'm SAG-eligible and that they ran a Taft-Hartley on me in 2009, I expect these reactions:
Instead I get:

How is this not more exciting than the NASA internship, or the cocaine rats, or breathing?
This is.................................................. my childhood dream. My life-long dream.
No one seems to grasp the significance of it, or why it matters, or why it's such a big deal, or...AHHHH.


Friday, November 22, 2013



So, what is:
  • vampirestat
  • livecams
  • yandex
  • tattooofbadass (too many o's? whatever, too lazy to go back and check)
Should I be worried?
Why can't I click on livecams?
Why so many redirects?
Why the gibberish languages?

What are this?
 Why do I get told to "enjoy your moment" by strangers every time I go buy anything?
They're usually like, "you never know, each day could be your last". Is that a death threat? It's totally a death threat, isn't it?


In other news, my therapist (Molly Dean, she's amazing, omg, go to her. "A New Path" in Phoenix.) told me to write a book. Everyone keeps telling me to write a book. I want's just...hard.
I just want to take all my diaries to a publisher and say, "here, have at it".
Only, I haven't actually written about what's happened in like a year. I write about my feelings and jokes, but, I realized looking back that I never write about what I actually do do. doodoo. hahaha
I just want to tell my stories, in videos. They sound less dramatic that way because of my ridiculous facial expressions. Tomorrow I'm west-siding it and getting that other webcam so I can tell all about jail. It's hilarious. The story is everything I hoped for, and more.
Unfortunately, I have court next week.
Fortunately, I wasn't actually stealing wine from the golf shack so....

Thursday, November 21, 2013

It's Not Gay

When it's right, it's right.
Think about it.
We can join forces and maybe put out videos...twice a week. Maybe that's too ambitious, but baby, I know we can.
Girl, you know what I like. You know that I like it.
We can eat whipped cream, or blast it from our magnificent breasts boobies.
We can hold hands on the boardwalk.
When we're gettin' nasty at the club and weirdos try to grope us, we can just make out.
I can feel it. This love is real.
will you...make videos with me?
Even one?
Please say yes. I hate rejection.
I'll even move for you baby. You think Max No Sleeves is so great because he moved to LA with you?
I'll do that. I'll do so much more for you.

Think about it, baby.  ;)

P.S. I love you.

Sexual Frustration

I feel like I'm on that Disney ride "It's a small world after all! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!" only...I can never get off.

Pun intended.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Daisy Predicted My Future

We made predictions for each other and some of our closest friends one summer when we were in Rocky Point. We were 15. We agreed not to look at the predictions until 2013, when we were all supposed to graduate from college.
This is what I wrote about her:

We're assholes, so by "decent" we actually meant "I see her making a shit-ton of money". We like to push each other though... 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Dear Diary. *music edit

I went to the park today and cried and wrote in my diary. I will now copy what I wrote. If you want to just rip me to shreds, please don't continue reading.

Dear diary,
people who know the date and day of the week really have their shit together.
I've never felt so alive...and so dead.
Now what?
Lately, people say the strangest things to me, out shopping, driving, at the park, on the internet. I don't realize how odd it all is until I have someone else with me. They notice that the elevator beeps for far too long when I get in. They, and I, notice that the entire store alarms go off when I walk in. Then if I'm buying cigarettes, 3 or 4 men rush in and buy the same kind I just bought.
I meet people...and sometimes I recognize them. Sometimes from tv or music or movies. Sometimes I don't...but figure it out later. I have to keep asking myself if they're real. Am I real? Is this all a dream?
But no. Unfortunately?
I feel like a leaf. Just...falling in the autumn breeze, letting the wind blow me any which way it pleases.I fall to the ground, and then occassionally flutter hopelessly up in a new breeze. I'm lost, and I don't think anyone's looking for me.
I'm...trying to connect a few dots, and I might be way off. I don't want to name names just yet, so I'll use initials. J told me his sister is an actress. I have a suspicion she might be the same girl from Ed Sheeran's Give Me Love video. Maybe just a coincidence. Maybe not. BUT then the fighter I met...that one night...well, he gave me his card and they all share a last name.
Well...then..."Amy" and I had a fight because I thought she was telling everyone about my problem, and I thought that's why people were suddenly being rude and following me into bathrooms. I didn't want legal trouble. I didn't mean to attack her, or her friends, and in all honesty if she was telling people she probably was just trying to help. I was so scared, and alone, and I felt cornered and I lashed out. I'm embarrassed about it, and she has since forgiven me which made me so fucking happy. I just...once again, wish I could take it back. I have also forgiven anyone and everyone who has wronged me or who I perceived as having wronged me. Holding onto anger is just like drinking a cup of poison.
Without any of the anger...the fire? I just feel empty. I feel like my presence anywhere is so unwelcome. So yeah. My biggest fear is being forgotten, and at the same time I also feel like everyone would be better off if I disappeared. I just go around disappointing everyone day after day.
I'm so fucking weird that people probably think I'm on drugs, when in reality this is me dead sober. Do I wish I was on drugs? Yes. Then I wouldn't have to feel. I gave that up a long time ago. Even weed. I ran out and just...stayed sober. The truth is I don't know how to act around people. I don't know how to talk to people. Everything I say comes out wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anymore either. I hope no one ever feels the way I feel now. So lost. I like to sleep now, a lot, because there's a chance I'll be happy in my dreams. Last night I had such a wonderful dream, and then Archer woke me up. I yelled at him, "LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP! IN MY DREAMS APOLOGIES WORK". Then cried. So. That's all I've got now. Dreams.
"If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real." -from an Ellie Goulding cover*
By the way, I just need to mention, my place is haunted. Not by spirits, but living ghosts and monsters. People. I've known for ages that other people have copies of my key. My largely rewritten by someone else. I find drawings. I find...letters. Single letters, not like...pages with words. The one time I was actually spooked was when I found a triangle arrangment of my GRE notecards in the center of my bedroom after being away for a few days. Sometimes all my pictures and paintings are face-down. My SIM card in my phone is not even the same company as the one I bought, so there's that. I'm almost glad someone sneaks into my room though. I am. I just wish they didn't have to sneak.
I'm over my GTA days, when I was trying to get away from the fancy cars following me around. Now I've accepted it. I still don't really quite know why, but let's follow the traffic rules, that's fun!
Um. I couldn't write when I was perfectly happy. So I have journals upon journals of my life, the first one started when I was 6 and learning to write and learning english. There's a life gap of about 5 years where I barely wrote. Why? I was too happy. So happy. I'm afraid I will never be that happy again.


I Blame The Bloggess, Today
Today is going to be...less tear-filled than yesterday because instead of blaming myself for my horrible life choices, I can blame Jenny!
Who went crazy in Europe? The Bloggess.
Who robbed me in Paris? The Bloggess.
Who made my husband hate me? The Bloggess
Who refuses to compromise and hug and cuddle and be happy with me? The Bloggess
Who makes me cat walk all over me and wake me up from beautiful dreams? The Bloggess
Who is making me get a "normal person" job? The Bloggess


Happy Tuesday!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Black Horses Everywhere!

 So, we all remember Katy Perry's song "Dark Horse", ft. Juicy J, from Prism, right?
Here it is:

Keeping with that's "Black Beauty" by Lana del Rey:

I paint my nails black
I dye my hair a darker shade of brown
'Cause you like your women spanish, dark, strong and proud
I paint the sky black
You said if you could have your way
You'd make it nighttime all today
So it'd suit the mood with your song

Oh, what can I do?
Nothing, my sparrow blue
Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Black beauty
Oh x2

I paint the house black
My wedding dress black leather too
You have no room for light
Love is lost on you
I keep my lips red
They seem like cherries in the spring
Darling you can't let everything seem so dark blue

But oh, what can I do?
Nothing, my sparrow blue
Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Oh x5
Black beauty baby x2

Oh, what can I do
Life is beautiful
But you don't have clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you

Black beauty
Oh x4

Because, REASONS!

The awkward post was a story. Meaning, fiction. I don't, and never have, had a girlfriend. I just say very lesbian things sometimes.
I may or may not have a Powerpoint of "Beautiful Ladies" on my computer to look at when I'm sad.
That doesn't necessarily mean anything.

My Life in Cat Videos

Leela: I don't know that freak, don't look at me!
::drinks from toilet::

Leela Playing Zelda


So...I finished my phoenix tattoo yesterday...only...NOT REALLY. Now that it's colored I realize it needs some dramatic smoke swirls around it or something. Anyways...getting it colored in did not hurt as much as the outline whatsoever. In fact, I laughed at some points in the process because it tickled, or because I was thinking about Kanye West. Don't ask. It was hilarious.
I slept for like 12 hours, woke up crying, slept. I'm sick, it turns out. I'm freezing at 78 degrees, and I can't wear clothes because they stick to my tattoo. So I'm stuck, topless, in my room. Being miserable. Sorry.
If I am unresponsive for a few days, I'm sleeping.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Excuse me, mister

Excuse me, I'm tired of people thinking everything I do is for someone else. No.
The things I do are for me. I want to. They distract me. I was told to do them by someone else who owns me. Or I'm trying to not sink into the big black hole of depression and self-hatred.
The things I DON'T do? Those are all because of that someone else.
They are also because I just don't want to do them. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to have sex with randoms. I don't want to go clubbing. I don't want to go out and get wasted and black out around college frat boys. So, I don't.
Simple, really. Nothing is ever as complicated as you think it is, and also, not trying to prove shit to anyone. I what I do. Isn't that the same for everyone else? If I buy a monster instead of a rockstar one day, it's because I fucking want a monster that day instead of a rockstar, or maybe it's on sale!
If I take the time to handwrite you notes and leave them at your house with presents, then yeah, I'm in love with you, but I have ZERO control over how you feel so I try to put it out of my mind and go about my days and days. I don't sing well, but I LIKE IT, so fuck you. I'm not a world-class dancer, but that WAS my safety self-expression over the summer. When dancing stopped being fun because bitches started judging and like making it a competition, look what happened? I tried to die. So now, I sing. I narrate what I do, through song. I sing along to almost anything so pay no attention to the words I'm singing. Someone else wrote them. It's not a competition. I don't give two shits who I'm annoying when I sing in public. If they don't like it, they can move away from me or put headphones in. I also found out when you go about in singing in public, people tend to leave you alone and your own voice drowns out whatever bullshit other people are spewing at you, works out for me. This is like...all I did as a child...So...gonna go ahead and keep being weird as fuck and not accepting rides to Vegas from strangers and not meeting randoms from Instagram who like to write in blood on my roof anymore.

I'm having a really hard time because for Christmas, fucking Christmas, which already makes me want to blow my brains out, well my family decided they want to go ahead and do EXACTLY WHAT MY MOM EXPLICITLY TOLD US THOUSANDS OF TIMES SHE DIDN'T WANT.
They want to take her ashes and put a fucking cemetery. THE REASON SHE WANTED HER ASHES SPREAD IN THE SNOW, ON BIG BEAR LAKE, WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS VERY MUCH AGAINST THE IDEA OF BEING IN A CEMETERY. She didn't want us to be stuck going to the same spot to mourn her. She said we could do that from anywhere, it isn't one fucking place where the remains of her body are. That, and she loved the snow more than anything so near the end she even said to make it easier on us that it didn't have to be Big Bear, BUT IT SHOULD BE SNOW, IN THE MOUNTAINS.
Nope. Family DGAFs about her. I feel like no one fucking knew her, no one loved her like I did, no one cares about what she wanted. They're being selfish. Also, "BIL" took pictures of her dead body "for the children" and my aunt got pissed at him. My mom didn't even want the kids to see her body, and there's their dad TAKING PICTURES.
So when I'm looking down in the dumps, please don't assume what it's about. It could be about something as serious as this, or maybe my face just looks weird that day. I guess you'll never know...if you never ask. Even'll leave with an unsure feeling in the pit of your stomach. Was I even real? Probably not.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

"Be Careful When Anyone Loves You"

"...but one thing's for certain, he'll definitely try to finish off the job if he's still alive, and he'll probably do it while you're sleeping...and he'll probably look like someone you love, just to make it worse when he murders you. So, you know, be on the lookout for that. And be careful when anyone loves you."

How Long Will I Love You?


Fall for Fall in the Fall of 2024

Husband and kids? Better come along before 2018 or it's never happening. >:[
You can call me... Mrs. President, and I can call you my First Man.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Because I Hate Myself

100 DAYS

Oh no....Truth Time. TT[on]

I had a nice chat today with an NBC insider- Caroline.

Caroline: nice! Well don't forget me when you make it big 

hahaha no chance. I think we're stuck knowing each other. I'm not even kidding when I say we'll both make it big. Don't forget me, either! Make those connections! Then we can share them [some day in the distant future...]
One day...we'll be sitting in a New York high-rise drinking awesome shooters reminiscing about the [personal info ommitted] Laguna [days].
hahahaha yes
p.s. I'm a girl. have you heard anything/know anything about Anthony? I'm like...dying...I hate that I love him. FUCK, so much.
fuck. haha
AND there's tons of supermodel-looking British boys at my apartment complex and they always want to cook together or party or cuddle and I'm like... umm....
No we don't talk. Ever. lol  Sorry
And why are you saying no???
I deleted him a bunch of times on facebook and now the loser won't add me back haha
I stopped saying no, and started getting high with everyyyyone
but then I come home...horny...and still alone....but if they try to kiss me I flip shit
it's not even voluntary
it's like a slap that just happens
this other guy though.....omg....he rubbed my feet and we climbed A mountain and he borrowed his friends dog when we hung out and BECAUSE he tried so hard to not creep me out/scare me/make out with me, I still have a huge crush on him
so...I just don't know what to do with my personal life
I think he was in a band
I just don't know. If anthony still has that girlfriend and hates me, i obviously want to move on. but he refuses to talk and refuses to like...break up in he's making ME suffer in silence while he fucks around. If he's happy, that's great, but I need to hear it from him so I can move on.
Sorry for the novel. It's just since [---] I had to vent
New girlfriend???
Ugh that's so awful! I can't imagine not having some actually face to face closure!
yeah no. and I want closure and everyone says I'm insane
you don't end a marriage by just ignoring me
he had a girlfriend since JULY
and that bitch has caused SO MUCH DRAMA IN MY LIFE. like she hunts me down and sends her friends after me
like no bitch. he cheated on me with you, so chances are he's going to cheat on you. uou can have him
and he ALREADY DID technically cheat on her, so idk why she's so insane
anyways...her "story" is the she WAS a lesbian but then they fucked
WHAT?! I didn't know this. Do I know her? I wish I could help! What the fuck!?
she's got weird virginity-loss/christianity attachment issues
her name is Jessie
from Bagdad arizona
and I think, once I went online and told her girlfriend or wife or whatever about their cheating, I think she went and moved in with anthony
walking around tempe, MY town, I get so many randoms taunting me and yelling shit at me everywhere I go
like wtf?
i live here. get used to it or leave
btw...can I copy this conversation into my blog? No one ever hears my side because I keep my mouth shut.
What parts? Will I be anonymous?
Gotta keep my social media clean for the employers you know!
oh yeah, I can change your name!
what should I call you?
omg I left Anthony a note the other day from "Catnip Neverclean"
bahaha How's Archer doing? Do you still have him?
YEAH! I love my little teddy bear. He smells amazing. He gets baths all the time now
You can call me Caroline
Is that weird
him and Fry seem to have figured their shit out. I got a gift from...someone...and it's this GIANT cat tree, like way taller than me, with all these compartments. So that's Fry's castle, and Archer sticks to one of my beds
No, nothing is weird. Caroline is great!

I had sweet potato fries and thought of you 
awww hahahaha were they any good?
I LOVE the sweet po fries at Oreganos
So you're talking to your dad again?
yummmmm. haha I'm broke....I basically get paid in cat trees and designer clothes...but no cash to go out... haha I love this life
yeah I mended the relationship. We aren't BFFs but I can't be on bad terms with everyone. OH. So...I like died over the summer
actually...kind of...died....
from an OD type of thing
and ever since then I've been trying SO HARD to be nice and give love and stuff
and let go of the bad
Wha wha what?! soo bad
um. still not entirely sure what happened, but I know I'll find out some day. I was so depressed and didn't care. Like honestly wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself? So...I decided to let the drugs do it for me. it was a lot. was meth, courtesy of anthony's girlfriends friends BTW
then just....not eating/drinking/caring for days
ugh Romina!
then something happened. I was in the bathroom I think
anyways I woke up like dayyys later
in my bed, with my feet individually tucked in
and water/meds/stuff around me
and crazy weird bruises
and the most disgusting burn on my thigh
so im guessing i passed out with the red-hot pipe in my hands and it must have just cooled itself off on my thigh
that guy i told you about, the a mountain guy, idk. he dropped hints and I feel that he's involved somehow, but he said he found someone that had stopped breathing/etc. ... ugh
that was in august?
anyways...I turned a new leaf when I started piecing everything together
like I don't want whoever saved me to have put effort in for nothing. I've stayed...clean...aside from weed and just have forgiven people. it took a while but that changed my outlook

Monday, November 11, 2013

Double Rainbow #SALEM #KatyPerry #Prism

"No...not prison...Prism..." 
This is why I don't do phone calls.

Ed Sheeran: "Drunk"

Basically, everyone needs to watch this video.
It had me crying and laughing and then crying again last night. It's just so...cute/true/sad/adorable.
I'm cold.
Hold your arms....again....